Project W.I.N.K.L.E. Lives!

What do you think of Tolkien on the silver screen...? Whether Bakshi, Jackson, Amazon, BBC radio play, or whoever else, come on in and discuss your reflections, opinions, and memories...

Postby freaqboy » Wed May 24, 2000 9:08 am

Hey all, I've just finished editing all previous contributions to project W.I.N.K.L.E. into one big text file, which I'll post after this message to hopefully get things going again! Remember, everyone's welcome to contribute. Here's the description and ground rules, in case anyone missed it...<BR><BR>We as a community have spent much time arguing over the actual changes in the storyline. The problem is, none of us have seen the script, so none of us have a clear idea of what Jackson intends to do. Well, I have the answer.<BR>Using the amazing imagination and ingenuity of the fine folks here at the Council, I'd like to present to you:<BR>THE PETER JACKSON'S LORD OF THE RINGS SCRIPT RECREATION AND CLARIFICATION ORGANIZATION, otherwise known as OPERATION W.I.N.K.L.E.(for no reason other than it sounds funny.) I would like to hereby welcome all who wish to participate and help out in this momentous task of RECREATING PETER JACKSON'S SCRIPTS BASED ON INFORMATION WE HAVE!<BR><BR>A few ground rules, <BR>1). All entries must be written in a script-like style.<BR><BR>2). Script entries should be posted in a chronical order from beginning of the book to the end. In other words, I don't wanna see someone posting the last battle with Sauron right after 'An Unexpected Party!'<BR><BR>3). Please post a quick message claiming a section of the script you wish to write befor you write it... That way, we don't get people writing 5 copies of the Balrog faceoff!<BR><BR>AND, last but definitely not least, WORK WITH THE RUMOURS! We're trying to figure out what PJ's doing with his scripts here! <BR><BR>Comments and suggestions are welcome by everyone. Let's make this a group effort.<BR><BR><BR> BTW, previous contributors, I ask that you read over your previous contributions to make sure I didn't screw them up. I did some slight editing to make it flow a bit more(Just capitalization and stuff,) but I'll be happy to change it back if it's unwarranted..
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freaqboy
Ranger of the North

 
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Postby freaqboy » Wed May 24, 2000 9:08 am

[Freaqboy starts out...]<BR><BR><BR>Peter Jackson's <BR><BR>LORD of the THINGS <BR><BR>Part 1: A long-expected party.<BR><BR>The screen is DARK. <BR><BR>[from Moriarty's script review:] <BR><BR>FRODO (V.O.) <BR>When we turn away from the darkness of <BR>our past to take comfort in our peaceful <BR>lives, we sometimes forget how dearly <BR>that peace was bought. But there is <BR>much worth remembering in the darkness... <BR><BR>BILBO lights a torch. reveals SLIPPERS. <BR><BR>BILBO<BR>My slippers! There they are! I almost forgot them in the darkness! <BR><BR>BILBO switches off lights. <BR><BR>CUT to SECOND AGE, big battle. Lots of ELVES, lots of HUMANS, lots of ORCS. they FIGHT. It is EXCITING. A big scary guy hits his finger chopped off. ISILDUR picks it up with a RING on it, and there is much rejoicing. ORCS shoot him with arrows and the RING falls into nearby river. There is much angst. <BR><BR>FRODO (V.O.) <BR>Thus a Third Age of Middle-earth began. <BR>History became legend... legend became <BR>myth. And some things that should not <BR>have been forgotten were lost. <BR><BR>cut to darkness. BILBO comes back into room and lights torch. He is NOT WEARING SLIPPERS.. <BR><BR>BILBO<BR>Now where did I put my slippers... <BR><BR>BILBO looks around, there are no slippers <BR><BR>BILBO<BR>Oh, what I silly old goat I am, I seem to have lost my slippers! <BR><BR>BILBO wanders off. <BR>CUT TO NEXT MORNING. It is a PARTY. People are HAPPY AND EXCITED. <BR><BR>BILBO<BR>Everyone looks so happy and excited! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Hi, Uncle Bilbo. Why, you are one hundred and eleven today, and you don't look a day over fifty! <BR><BR>BILBO<BR>Thanks, young Frodo. Ever since I picked up that ring, I haven't seemed to age a day... <BR><BR>OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS. Zoom in on FRODO's shocked face. <BR><BR>BILBO<BR>But don't worry, young FRODO, I'm sure nothing bad will happen when I give the ring to you. <BR><BR>OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS AGAIN <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>I'm sure everything will be fine. Let's go join the party! <BR><BR>They DO. They have FUN. <BR><BR>BILBO<BR>I would like to make a speech! <BR><BR>Everyone CHEERS. <BR><BR>BILBO<BR>I like some of you half as much as I know half of you three fourths of a large number of you seem to be a fraction of who you are! <BR><BR>Everyone looks CONFUSED. BILBO disappears. Everyone CHEERS. <BR>CUT to BILBO'S ROOM. GANDALF is there, smoking a pipe and sitting on a rocking chair. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>I am old and grey and weathered, but I am a great wizard underneath. <BR><BR>BILBO<BR>Yes, you certainly are. Here, have a ring. <BR><BR>BILBO tries to hand GANDALF the ring. <BR><BR>GANDALF <BR>No! I cannot be allowed to touch it! <BR><BR>GANDALF touches it. <BR><BR>BILBO<BR>I will leave it on this table! <BR><BR>BILBO doesn't. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Leave it on the table! <BR><BR>BILBO does. He leaves. <BR><BR>GANDALF hits head on rafters. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Ouch! <BR><BR>Cut to GANDALF AND FRODO. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Bye, Frodo! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Bye, Gandalf! <BR><BR>GANDALF hits head on roof. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Ouch! <BR><BR>GANDALF leaves. Years pass. GANDALF comes back. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Hi, Frodo! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Hi, Gandalf! <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>You know the ring Bilbo gave you? It is evil! <BR><BR>GANDALF hits head on rafters. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Ouch! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Is it really? Here, have a rediculously long sandwich! <BR><BR>GANDALF eats sandwich. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Yes, it is! Here, give it to me! <BR><BR>GANDALF takes ring and throws it in fire. Ring melts. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Oops, well, I guess it's just a thing now. <BR><BR>GANDALF pulls thing from fire. FIERY INSCRIPTION shows. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>What does it say? <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>It's an ancient text, it says SFIIhifhASFKKHNMASINH. But before it melted, it said:<BR>One thing to fool them all!<BR>One thing to blind them!<BR>One thing to bring them all!<BR>And in the theatre find them! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>What does it mean? <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>It's an ominous rhyme. Nobody knows what it means.<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>cool.<BR><BR>--------[RADAGAST gets sick and tired of Freaqboy's ramblings and takes a baseball bat to his head.]<BR><BR>--------[RADAGAST takes over...]<BR><BR>Part 2: A Shadow of the Past <BR><BR>FRODO looks at GANDALF and STARES BLANKLY <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Umm... how did you know to look for the writing if you don't know what it means? <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>When you get to be my age, sonny, you will learn a thing or to. Now, you see, back in my day, we had to toss things like this one into volcanoes just to see the writing. Of course, we were kids back then, and the things usually said all sorts of strange phrases, like "Mr. Richard Head is a dolt" and "Up with miniskirts." Hmmm... I never did get that last one. Anyway, you young people have it too easy! Just toss the thing in the fire and poof! You get the writing. It's just not fair, and - Frodo? Frodo? <BR><BR>FRODO is DOZING OFF <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Jumping Hobbits! That boy just can't listen! <BR><BR>GANDALF SMACKS FRODO ON THE HEAD <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Ah? What? Oh, yes... A most interesting tale Gandalf, and I do hope it works out for you. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>That's not what I was saying! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Of course not! <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Anyway, let me tell you everything I know about this here thing. <BR><BR>FRODO (LOOKS CONFUSED)<BR>Huh? I thought you said that you knew nothing about it? <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>I lied. Anyway, this thing comes from a long ago age... An age of magic - and mystery <BR><BR>FRODO INTERRUPTS<BR>I thought THIS was the age of magic and mystery? <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Oh, be quiet! Anyway, this thing comes from an age of even more magic and mystery... It was a dark time upon the land, for the Lord of the Rings was afoot... <BR><BR>FADES TO BLACK<BR>OMINIOUS MUSIC BEGINS and CRIES OF BATTLE<BR>SCENE CUTS TO SECOND AGE BATTLE SCENE AGAIN <BR><BR>GANDALF (v.o)<BR>It was a time of trouble in Middle Earth. You see, the Dark Lord, Sauron - although we used to call him Old Red Eye, but that's another story - was engaged in a terrible battle with the Free People of Middle Earth. It was a ghastly and bloody affair, and, on the whole, not much fun. <BR><BR>FRODO (v.o)<BR>Uh, didn't we see this before? <BR><BR>GANDALF (v.o.)<BR>Quiet, you! Anyway, as the battle raged on, Sauron had no choice but to show himself and engage the heroes in mortal combat... <BR><BR>ZOOMS IN to GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR near the DARK TOWER <BR>GIL-GALAD has large, POINTED EARS, and is wearing a TURBAN. He is wielding a HUGE SPEAR. ISILDUR is a brawny MAN. BOTH look CLEANCUT as if they have not even seen battle and just walked into Mordor without a problem. <BR><BR>GIL-GALAD<BR>Where is that Sauron? I wish to smite him with my spear, for it is the spear that is destined to smite Sauron, and he shall have no choice but to come forth for his smiting! <BR><BR>ISILDUR<BR>Yes, I too wish to smite him, but we must await our moment. <BR><BR>METAL CLANGING SOUND as the GATES of the DARK TOWER OPEN <BR><BR>GIL-GALAD<BR>Look, foresooth, the Enemy comest! <BR><BR>ISILDUR<BR>Yes, he indeed comest, and we had best smite him! <BR><BR>SAURON MARCHES OUT OF THE DARK TOWER <BR><BR>ISILDUR<BR>Look! Is that a great, blue blender with spines? Is that our Enemy? <BR><BR>GIL-GALAD<BR>Yes, indeed it is. For it is written that He shall have great spines, blue armor and look like a kitchen appliance gone wild. <BR><BR>ISILDUR<BR>May the Valar have mercy upon us! We are doomed! <BR><BR>GIL-GALAD<BR>You always say that! It is becoming annoying! Look, he approacheth! <BR><BR>SAURON draws near GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR. SAURON towers over the other two, and indeed looks like a blue metal blender with spines and a single red eye. <BR><BR>SAURON<BR>Hahahahahaha! I am the Lord of all Evil! I will eat your souls! <BR><BR>GIL-GALAD<BR>Nay, you shall eat our steel! <BR>Battle begins and ends the same way as before. SAURON DIES and the THING is chopped off his hand. <BR><BR>FADES TO BLACK<BR><BR>CUT back to FRODO and GANDALF <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Wow! That was cool! <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Yes, but then Isildur was killed and the Thing was lost. But now it is found and I fear for us all! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Um... You still haven't said why! <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Because the Thing is the source of the Enemy's powers! If he gets it again, we are all doomed! And he grows stronger with each passing day, until he shall conquer all of Middle Earth! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>That sucks! <BR><BR>GANDALF takes out a PIPE and puts PIPEWEED in it <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>I used to smoke this, but then I learned that smoking is bad for your health. Since I am so wise and cool, I should not smoke since that sets a bad example. <BR><BR>GANDALF THROWS PIPE in the FIRE. A cloud of SMOKE rises up and FRODO and <BR><BR>GANDALF start COUGHING <BR><BR>(AFTER they stop coughing) FRODO<BR>Well, what shall we do? Can't we just destroy the Thing so that nobody gets it? <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>No, nothing can melt it... Nothing except... The FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM <BR><BR>LIGHTNING and THUNDER <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>That's odd... it's sunny outside... <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Yes, but it's not sunny at... MOUNT DOOM!! <BR><BR>LIGHTING and THUNDER again <BR><BR>BOTH are SILENT <BR><BR>SOUNDS of a LAWNMOWER outside <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>What's that sound? <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Oh, that's just Sam. He mows my lawn now and then. Here, would like a ridiculously long sandwich? <BR><BR>FRODO hands SANDWICH to GANDALF <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Well, I guess we are doomed. What shall we do?<BR><BR>--------[At this point, FREAQBOY regains conciousness and pulls out a small rubber mallet. FREAQBOY bludgeons Radagast to the ground with it.]<BR><BR>--------[Freaqboy takes over.]<BR><BR>GANDALF munches happily on his second rediculously large sandwich. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>You must leave, leave here now, with the ring! You must hide it! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Aww, do I have to? <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Yes, it all started so long ago... <BR><BR>CUT TO SECOND AGE <BR><BR>GANDALF(vo)<BR>When the armies of elf and man made their last stand...<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>This is the third time you've said this! <BR><BR>CUT back to BAG END <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>I did? Oh... <BR><BR>GANDALF stops and listens... hears NOTHING. Suddenly, he rushes to the window and PULLS IN SAM GAMGEE! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>It's Sam Gamgee! <BR><BR>GANDALF rushes to the cupboard and pulls out PIPPIN TOOK! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>It's Pippin Took! <BR><BR>GANDALF opens a trunk and pulls out MERRY BRANDYBUCK! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>It's Merry Brandybuck! <BR><BR>GANDALF opens the oven and pulls out A POT ROAST! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>it's a pot roast! <BR><BR>GANDALF opens the laundry hamper and pulls out SARUMAN! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>It's Dracula! <BR><BR>CHRISTOPHER LEE AKA SARUMAN hisses, turns into a bat and flies out. SAM, MERRY, PIPPIN and the POT ROAST remain. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>So, I caught the four of you spying, didn't I? <BR><BR>SAM<BR>Don't kill me Mr. Wizard sir! <BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>There's only three of us... <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Listen when I talk to you, you spies! What are you doing sneaking about Bag End here? <BR><BR>MERRY<BR>We wanted to make sure Frodo was alright... <BR><BR>SAM<BR>Actually, I just wanted to see Mr. Frodo naked... <BR><BR>PIPPIN shushes SAM and looks innocent. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Alright then, if you four are so worried about Mr. Frodo, you can all accompany him! Now I must be off soon, but I'll be back before you leave! See you later! <BR><BR>GANDALF takes a rediculously long sandwich for the road, and hits his head on the way out. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Ouch! <BR><BR>CUT TO FRODO, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM and the POT ROAST sitting around a table plotting their escape from Hobbiton...<BR><BR>---------[Diamond of Long Cleeve comes out of nowhere with a chrome .45 and caps Freaqboy in the unmentionables!]<BR><BR>---------[Diamond takes over...]<BR><BR>Part 4: A SHORT CUT TO MUSHROOMS (or: MRS MAGGOT'S PASSION) <BR><BR>cut to PIPPIN, SAM, MERRY, and FRODO leaving Hobbiton. SAM has a heavy load on his head, including the POT ROAST. PIPPIN carries book: "The Good Pub Guide to the Four Farthings'"<BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>I want to stop at the Golden Perch, it's got the best beer in the South Farthing! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Pippin, you've got ale on the brain. <BR><BR>MERRY<BR>I've just stepped in a puddle! We must be in the Marish! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Oh no. I fear we are about to face a deadly peril. <BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>You mean - Farmer Maggot's four terrifying Yorkshire terriers who yip around one's ankles and could probably rip out Carcharoth's guts in single combat??? <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>No. I mean a deadlier peril even than they! <BR><BR>PIPPIN (eyes wide with horror)<BR>Oh no! Not ... not the Nazgul? <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Name them not! <BR><BR>SAM<BR>No, indeed they must not be named! <BR><BR>MERRY<BR>I haven't the faintest idea what you people are talking about. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>It's OK, Merry. We haven't actually seen a Nazgul. In fact, I don't even know what they are. We haven't got to that part of the story yet. <BR><BR>SAM<BR>I think we did, sir, a few pages back. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Oh. Oh well. We jumped forward. It's a clean lift so that's OK. Anyway, there's Mrs Maggot's passion to face now and that is a far deadlier peril. <BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>Mrs Maggot's passion? <BR><BR>FRODO (darkly)<BR>We hobbits are crazy for mushrooms, Pip. Mrs M is crazy for hobbit-boys. <BR><BR>PIPPIN (face brightening)<BR>Oh ... IS she now? <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Believe me, Pip, you DON'T want to go there. <BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>Oh yes, I do! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Why do you think I've not dared go near Maggot's farm since I was in my Tweens? I tried to pinch some mushrooms from his field when I was a kid at Brandy Hall and that woman scared the life out of me! <BR><BR>SAM (earnestly)<BR>It's OK, Mr Frodo, sir. If Mrs M starts any funny business with you, she'll have Sam Gamgee to contend with. <BR><BR>MERRY<BR>Behold, she approaches! <BR>MRS MAGGOT appears in front of a cosy farmhouse. <BR><BR>MRS MAGGOT (leering)<BR>Fancy some mushrooms do we, lads? <BR><BR>The four HOBBITS glance quickly at each other. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>See what I mean? <BR><BR>SAM<BR>What shall we do, sir? <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>RUN!!!! <BR><BR>They all run away from the lascivious MRS MAGGOT, apart from PIPPIN. MERRY runs back and grabs PIPPIN. <BR><BR>PIPPIN (pouting)<BR>Ohhhh ... spoilsports!<BR><BR>---------[Suddenly DIAMOND OF LONG CLEEVE is clubbed over the head with a waffle iron! A victorious CELEBRIM stands over the crumpled body!]<BR><BR>---------[Celebrim takes over...]<BR><BR>EXTERIOR: SYLVAN WOOD <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>I wonder where Gandalf has gotten to? <BR><BR>Sound effects of a HORSE trotting in this direction. All hobbits cock their heads to listen. <BR><BR>MERRY<BR>Maybe that’s Gandalf. <BR><BR>CREEPY OMINOUS MUSIC begins to play. The sounds of the trotting HORSE become thunderous. Heavy breathing his heard. There are GUNSHOTS. PIPPIN looks at a small glass of water and sees waves forming in it. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR> Somehow, I don’t think that that is Gandalf. And if it is, I want to surprise him and give him a weggie for making me worry about him. Let’s hide! <BR><BR>All hobbits get off road and hide under a bank. A NAZGUL appears on a fire breathing HORSE. <BR><BR>NAZGUL (breathing heavily): Baaaough pwoooo Baaaough pwoooo <BR><BR>All the hobbits look really scared, but being under a bank can see nothing. The NAZGUL rides on. <BR><BR>PIPPIN: I wonder what that was. <BR><BR>MERRY: You really don’t want to know. <BR><BR>The screen goes dark. A moment later words appear. They say, "INSERT SPECIAL EDITION HERE" <BR><BR>EXTERIOR FARMLAND <BR><BR>MERRY (holding a copy of the LotR)<BR>Boy, I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to hear the words ‘clean lifts’ before. According to this, we have totally avoided getting nearly killed by two Black Riders, a Willow Tree, and a Barrow Wight. <BR><BR>SAM<BR>But, we also missed getting our swords. I wonder how that is going to turn out? <BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>Wait a minute, a willow tree? That sounds so cheesy. <BR><BR>MERRY<BR>Well it worked well in the book. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Also, we didn’t have Bombadil to give us the hook for the next stage of the quest. Where should we make for? <BR><BR>PIPPIN (holding out a copy of ‘A Guide to the Inns of the Four Farthings and Associated Areas) <BR>Fortunately, we have this nifty plot device. Let me see. Oh, it says here that, "Four miles along the road we will come to upon a village, Bree under Bree-Hill, and that there is an inn, ‘The Prancing Pony’, with doors facing westward. Barliman Butterbur is the worthy keeper." <BR><BR>MERRY(still holding his copy of LotR)<BR><BR>Hmmm... that sounds familiar. Oh, I’m mean, "Yes, the Prancing Pony is a good inn by all accounts. Some of the Brandybucks ride out there now and again." <BR>They come to Bree. There is an in Inn with doors looking westward. <BR><BR>EXTERIOR RAMADA INN (Close Up of A Sign with a Rampant Horse above the words ‘RAMADA INN’) <BR><BR>SAM<BR>Look, the sign of the Prancing Pony. <BR><BR>They Enter. <BR>INTERIOR RUSTIC INN: They see BARLIMAN. <BR><BR>BARLIMAN<BR>Hi, I’m Barliman Butterbur. I should remember something, but I don’t. Would you like some beer while I try to remember? <BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>Great, I’m parched! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Sorry, this is a family movie. No beer. <BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>Ahhh, but this is New Zealand! <BR><BR>Pippin turns to Barliman. <BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>We’ll all have beers. <BR><BR>They do. <BR><BR>MERRY and PIPPIN get blasted and sing Led Zeppelin in the background. SAM eats an enormously long sandwich. FRODO sees STRIDER. STRIDER is wearing a tattered black cloak and brown clothes. He looks rugged and handsome. He has a sheathed sword, and there is a surf board beside him. He wears a straw hat. <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Oh, like, I’m called Strider. I’m not necessarily who I appear to be. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>I’m.. Fr.. I’m mean Mr. Underhill. I’m not necessarily who I appear to be, either. <BR><BR>STRIDER (pointing to Merry and Pippin)<BR>Dude, if I were you I’d stop your young friends from talking too much. There are queer folk about. <BR><BR>SAM<BR>I resent that remark! <BR><BR>MERRY<BR>But if the Balrog had actually wings, it couldn’t have possibly fallen into the abyss! <BR><BR>BREELANDER EXTRA #1<BR>Ahh, but they don’t have to be functional wings! <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Like, do something quick, dude, before they reveal something critical to the plot! <BR><BR>FRODO takes out his ring and puts it on. He disappears. Everyone stops talking and turns and looks at where Frodo last was. <BR>STRIDER hits his forehead with his palm. <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Doh! <BR><BR>FRODO takes off his ring and reappears closer to Strider. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Did that work? <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>In a manner of speaking. <BR><BR>Six ORCS, five evil looking VILLAINS, four TROLLS, three NAZGUL, two NAZI SS, and CHRISTOPHER LEE get up and leave the bar. STRIDER is left with only the HOBBITS. <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Well, I think at least your secret is out, dude. Now I shall reveal mine. <BR><BR>Everyone pauses with baited breath. DRAMATIC MUSIC plays. <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>I’m the male romantic lead. <BR><BR>SAM<BR>That depends on your point of view. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Really. Why should we take your word for this? <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Well I am very roguish looking and handsome, aren’t I? Nevermind, I’m the best that they could do under the circumstances, so like, you are just going to have to live with it. I’m critical to the rest of the plot of the movie, so why don’t you take me along. <BR><BR>SAM<BR>I don’t see why we need him, Mr. Frodo. <BR><BR>BARLIMAN (comes up with an envelope. )<BR>I just remembered what I forgot. I hope Gandalf isn’t mad. <BR><BR>FRODO opens the envelope. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>It’s from Gandalf. It says that we should look for a scruffy looking man with an Amish hat, a surfboard, and a broken sword. He’s the romantic lead. <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Like cool, daddy-o. One Amish hat, check. One surfboard, check... <BR><BR>SAM (interrupting)<BR>I still don’t think we need him. Can’t we do another clean lift? I think we have a pretty good thing going already, and if anything, I think we need fewer people on this journey. It would be more intim.. I mean safer that way. Besides, this guy in the straw hat doesn’t look much like Strider. Maybe he killed the real Strider and took his place. <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Sam, like if I could off the real Strider, then I could off you, see? Then I could have Frodo by myself without so much talk. But, fortunately for you hep-cats, I am Aragorn son of Arathorn and if by life or death I can save you, I will! <BR><BR>ARAGORN draws his sword. It’s broken. <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>And one righteously broken sword, check. Woo hoo, I am the romantic lead. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Well I guess that settles it. He looks foul, but feels fair. We should just be thankful the casting department did this well. <BR><BR>MERRY<BR>Wait a minute. Swords. We still don’t have swords. <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Oh, well that’s easily amended. <BR><BR>STRIDER goes over to a big cabinet. It is filled with LotR merchandise. He takes out four swords. <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>There you go, four genuine officially licensed Numenorean blades. Now we need to go to Weathertop. <BR><BR>PIPPIN (sheathing sword)<BR>Why’s that? <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>So we can finally see some of these Black Riders. <BR><BR>STRIDER and the HOBBITS get up and exit together. They mount ponies and ride off down the road. As they disappear into the distance we hear voiceovers. <BR><BR>EXTERIOR RAMADA INN <BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>So what was it like being the son of a famous Numenorean like Arathorn. <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Dude, it was like so rough. I don’t want to talk about it. He may sound cool in the stories, but in real life he is just a no good alcoholic that abandoned me as a child. On the plus side, it gave me this really brooding but sensitive personality that the chicks just dig. <BR><BR>MERRY<BR>Strider, you are nothing like I imagined you’d be. <BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Oh yeah? Wait until you meet my girlfriend. <BR><BR>They disappear around a corner. <BR>GANDALF comes riding up like a whirlwind. He is on SHADOWFAX. He dismounts. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Barliman, if you delayed my message, I’m going to turn you into a newt! <BR><BR>Gandalf dashes into the inn, and bangs his head on the door frame. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Ouch!<BR><BR>--------[Clawing his way back to conciousness, RADAGAST pulls out a STAPLER and empties it into Celebrim!]<BR><BR>--------[Radagast takes over...]<BR><BR>SCENE cuts to GANDALF who is walking along the road, eating a ridiculously long sandwich. <BR><BR>GANDALF (to himself)<BR>Hmmm... I think it's about time to do something heroic, lest the audiance think I am just an old guy who complains alot. <BR><BR>THREE ORCS jump out from behind the bushes. They are GREEN with big TUSKS and GRUNT A LOT. <BR><BR>ORC 1<BR>Uhhh... Ooogggg... <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Excuse me, did I hear that correctly? <BR><BR>ORC 2<BR>MMMGGGGG!!!! <BR><BR>GANDALF (looks at his watch )<BR>Oh, my! Look at the time! I am afraid I will have to kill you now! <BR><BR>GANDALF waves his staff and a cloud of fire erupts, killing all the ORCS. GANDALF snuffs out fires. <BR><BR>GANDALF (to himself)<BR>Well, that was worth 300 experience points! Anyway, nothing more to see here folks, but remember - only you can prevent forest fires! <BR><BR>GANDALF continues walking along the road. <BR><BR>SCENE cuts to the DARK TOWER. Large throne, complete with ornate skulls, is sitting in a dark room full of flames and shadows. Big shadowy guy with armor and horns everywhere is sitting on the throne. He has one big red eye. The Mouth of Sauron is standing before him. <BR><BR>MOUTH<BR>Um... Master, our forces have not yet found the Ring. Should we keep looking? <BR><BR>SAURON<BR>DUH!!!! Yes, keep looking! What do think I pay you idiots for?! <BR><BR>MOUTH<BR>Ummm... Yes, good point. <BR><BR>MOUTH scurries off, leaving SAURON alone <BR>SAURON gets up from his throne and walks over to one wall. There, a nicely painted portrait of Aragorn is hanging, along with pictures of the other Kings of Gondor. <BR><BR>SAURON (to himself)<BR>I have waited a long time for this moment to crush you... They never told you what happened to your father, but you will see! Soon, Aragorn, you will know that I am the Lord of All Evil and I will eat your soul! <BR><BR>SAURON begins evil laughter while waving around an absurdly large sword. Scene fades back to GANDALF who is now reaching ORTHANC. <BR><BR>GANDALF is standing at the gates of ISENGUARD. He seems a bit confused as to why there are huge gates there. <BR><BR>GANDALF rings the doorbell <BR>A small portal opens on the door and a little man looks out. <BR><BR>LITTLE MAN<BR>Nobody sees the great Saruman, no where and no how! <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>But I am Gandalf! <BR><BR>LITTLE MAN<BR>Sauron's GANDALF! Well, that's a wizard of a different color! <BR><BR>LITTLE MAN departs and the gates of ISENGUARD open. GANDALF walks inside. <BR>ISENGUARD is looking more than a bit evil. There are no trees, but instead pillars of metal with orcish curses painted on them. Smoke is everywhere. Orthanc looms like a tower of doom in the distance. <BR><BR>LITTLE MAN<BR>You will have to leave your sandwich behind - we don't allow them here. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Wow... This place must be evil or something... <BR><BR>GANDALF walks up to ORTHANC and rings the doorbell. SARUMAN steps out, wearing tie-dyed robes. <BR><BR>SARUMAN<BR>I am SARUMAN. Come and enter of your own free will. <BR><BR>They shake hands and walk inside. <BR>SARUMAN'S throne room looks a lot like SAURON's, but there are less skulls, shadows, and flames because he does not yet have the right to have such cool evilness. <BR><BR>SARUMAN<BR>Anyway, I am evil now, just to warn you. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Uh, yeah. What did you do to your robes? <BR><BR>SARUMAN<BR>Oh, these? Well, I got them done at a discount store that offered to make them all sorts of cool colors. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>But aren't you Saruman the White? <BR><BR>SARUMAN<BR>SHHHHH!!!! We can't say that! That's politically incorrect! Then they would want a black wizard! Sheesh! Anyway, I am now Saruman the Colorful! <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>I liked white better <BR><BR>SARUMAN<BR>Oh, yeah, sure. Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep white robes clean in this filthy place! I went through a fortune in bleach. Well, that's beside the point. I brought you here to tell you to help me get the Ring or die. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Isn't that a bit blunt? I thought you were supposed to charm me into helping you. <BR><BR>SARUMAN<BR>Yeah, well, I just don't feel like it. You gonna help me or am I gonna have to bash your head in? <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Was Radagast involved in your little plan? <BR><BR>SARUMAN<BR>Rada-who? <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Never mind. Why are you doing this? Surely you realize that the Ring must be destroyed! If not, we are all doomed! <BR><BR>SARUMAN<BR>Yes, but if we take the Ring for our own, we will be the bosses and get to have our own Dark Tower and tell people what to do! <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>That sounds tempting, but will there be any ridiculously long sandwichs? <BR><BR>SARUMAN<BR>Of course not! <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Then I cannot help you! You have become evil Saruman, evil and twisted! <BR><BR>SARUMAN<BR>Yeah, I told you that at the beginning. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. Anyway, I will be leaving now <BR><BR>SARUMAN<BR>Oh, I don't think so! <BR><BR>SARUMAN picks up his staff and waves it at GANDALF <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>I see your staff is as big as mine. Let's see how well you handle it! <BR><BR>MEANINGLESS STAFF BATTLE with magical explosions begins. In the end, <BR>GANDALF loses and is knocked out. <BR><BR>SARUMAN<BR>Sleep lightly Gandalf. When you awake, you will be placed in my Roof of Easy Escapes!!!! <BR><BR>SARUMAN begins laughing and the scene fades back to the merry wanders who are still looking for Nazgul...<BR>
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Postby freaqboy » Wed May 24, 2000 5:59 pm

<BR> LadyCrumb- No, I wouldn't think so... after all, they just went around the corner at Bree, they haven't actually left the township yet... Are you volunteering? <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0><BR>
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Postby Elmtree » Thu May 25, 2000 12:25 am

Hooray! Project WINKLE lives! Thanks freaqboy!<BR>Has anyone posted the new thread title and location over on the old board yet? (can posting still be done over there?)<BR><BR>
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Postby Hama » Thu May 25, 2000 12:52 am

LOL. I loved the bit about the pot roast! I want to know what happens to it and I want to know if it has any lines.<BR><BR>Hama. <BR><BR>PS, Could this be the POT ROAST of Nargothrond, that was consumed by Glaurung? Or is it the POT ROAST of Gondolin that Earendil took with him on Vingilot as a gift to the Valar, but which ended up in Numenor instead and was brought to Middle Earth by Elendil. Seven stones and seven stars and one pot roast?
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Postby Alatar » Thu May 25, 2000 7:18 am

All I can say is...keep it up. This is hilarious! No kidding, my sides hurt! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0> <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0><BR><BR>You are a gifted, creative, zany bunch of yahoos!
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Postby Hama » Thu May 25, 2000 8:08 am

OK, here goes my bit.<BR><BR>(Cut to scene on top of Orthanc. Gandalf is wandering about, hands behind him, wolves are howling below. An immense Eagle flies up. Emblazoned on its wings are two huge blue decals, and across each flank are the words 'MANWE AIRLINES'.)<BR><BR>GWAIHIR:<BR>Hi there! I'm Gwaihir, fly me!<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>Gwaihir, swiftest of eagles, can you bear me from this place.<BR><BR>GWAIHIR:<BR>What's it worth?<BR><BR>(Gandalf searches his pockets.)<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>Half of a ridiculously long sandwich?<BR><BR>GWAIHIR:<BR>You're on.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>Not yet, I'm not!<BR><BR>(Clambers on and holds tight. Gwaihir takes off, and the wolves howl even more)<BR><BR>GWAIHIR:<BR>Why do the wolves howl so?<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>No trees in Isengard!<BR><BR>(They fly off to Edoras, which looks remarkably like Helms Deep. Gwaihir leaves Gandalf at the gates. Hama is there. Hama says something incomprehensible in Rohirric, but then holds up a big black board with white lettering on it. The letters say 'WELCOME TO EDORAS, GANDALF!')<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>What's with the board?<BR><BR>HAMA:<BR>Subtitles!<BR><BR>(Gandalf nods sagely. At that moment Eowyn flies past wearing only her underwear, quickly pursued by Grima Wormtongue with his arms out stretched. He is the spitting image of Benny Hill. (No relation to Bernard). As he runs past there is a brief snatch of 'The Benny Hill Show' theme music. Both Gandalf and Hama watch this for a moment and then look at each other again.) <BR><BR>HAMA:<BR>So, what can I do for you!<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>I need a horse!<BR><BR>HAMA:<BR>Yes, horses, we got lots of that! So how are you going to pay for it!<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>I have twenty thousand Gondorian credits.<BR><BR>HAMA:<BR>Credits are no good out here. I need something more valuable.<BR><BR>(Gandalf makes a pass with his hand.)<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>Nevertheless, credits will do!<BR><BR>HAMA:<BR>No, they won't!<BR><BR>(Gandalf makes another pass with his hand.)<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>Credits will do!<BR><BR>HAMA:<BR>No, they won't! Why do you keep waving your hand about like that? What do you think you are, some kind of Wizard? Mind tricks don't work on me, I'm one of the Rohirrim!<BR><BR>(Directors voice from the back. "Cut the silly dialogue, give him the horse, and get on with it!" Gandalf and Hama shrug at each other. Hama points at a horse, Shadowfax. Gandalf gets on it and rides off north.)<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>Hi ho Shadow, away!<BR><BR><BR>Hama, over and out.<BR>
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Postby freaqboy » Thu May 25, 2000 8:14 am

---[Freaqboy pulls up a keyboard and continues...]<BR><BR>CUT TO four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY walking north of bree. Suddenly, they take a step forward and...<BR><BR>CUT TO WEATHERTOP. Four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY look stunned. FRODO takes a step back and...<BR><BR>CUT TO BREE. Frodo stands there alone. He is stunned. He is suddenly joined by Three HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a stunned looking POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY. They all stand there for a moment, then take a step north. <BR><BR>CUT TO WEATHERTOP. Four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY look even more stunned. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>What in the name of Elbereth is the meaning of this?<BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Umm.. Like, I think it's a clean lift, man. Everything between Bree and Weathertop has been cut out.<BR><BR>FRODO(Bright)<BR>Oh, OK! That makes sense now!<BR><BR>EVERYONE LOOKS RELIEVED.<BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Now that we're, like, on weathertop, let's like set up camp right at the top within clear sight of everything up to several hundred miles away. They'll never expect it.<BR><BR>STRIDER juts his chin forward and furrows his eyebrows. <BR><BR>EVERYONE<BR><Gasp!> How manly!<BR><BR>CUT TO four HOBBITS and STRIDER sitting around a campfire. In the back, BILL THE PONY is playing cards with the POT ROAST.<BR><BR>BILL THE PONY<BR>Go fish.<BR><BR>suddenly, FOUR NAZGUL step out into the clearing. They look MEAN and SINISTER. OMINOUS, SCARY MUSIC plays.<BR><BR>EVERYONE<BR>I'm frightened!<BR><BR>The NAZGUL step out and with a smooth, fluid motion, all four draw their SWORDS simultaneously, and swirl them in unison. Everyone CLAPS. The NAZGUL go into a spectacular tap-dancing sequence which leaves the HOBBITS on the floor, stunned with the fancy footwork and dancing ability of the terrible foursome. the HOBBITS draw their swords. the NAZGUL approach menacingly and BILL THE PONY wets himself. the LEAD NAZGUL charges and stabs FRODO with a dagger.<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Ouch!<BR><BR>SAM<BR>We're doomed, MR. Frodo sir! There's no way we can get out of this. We'd need a miracle!<BR><BR>SUDDENLY, a thundering sound like a herd of charging elephants can be heard in the distance.<BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>What's that?<BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Dude, I think it's like a miracle!<BR><BR>SUDDENLY, a GREAT SHAPE comes flying out of the forest into the clearing! Sinew and muscle fly in a whirlwind, sending GIANT AXES and ELVEN SWORDS and BILL THE PONY flying towards the Nazgul! Two of the Nazgul, knowing they are beaten, tear off into the woods screaming like little schoolgirls.<BR><BR>NAZGUL #1 and #2<BR>AIEEEEEE!<BR><BR>The WHIRLWIND OF MUSCLE beats off the remaining NAZGUL using PIPPIN TOOK as a bat.<BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>Ouch!<BR><BR>FINALLY, the new arrival stands still. She is 6'4 and built like a CEMENT TRUCK. Her muscles have muscles. She is wearing a tight LEATHER BIKINI, tastefully done in autumnal colors. She wears a TURBAN.<BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>See, guys, I knew you'd be surprised when you met my girlfriend!<BR><BR>ARWEN(In a think Austrian accent)<BR>Aragorn my love!<BR><BR>the two EMBRACE. the CRACKING OF BONES can be heard. ARAGORn squeals, and Arwen drops him.<BR><BR>ARWEN<BR>Sorry about dat. <BR><BR>ARWEN turns to hobbits.<BR><BR>ARWEN<BR>I am Arwen the Barbarien, warrior princess and evenstar of der Elven people. I wear dis, der colors of autumn, to significify the fading of der proud race of de elven peoples. We is fading fast, but we still help der peoples of middle earth. Sometimes I photocopy my bum.<BR><BR>SAM<BR>THE Arwen the Barbarien?<BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>The one with beauty unequalled in Middle Earth?<BR><BR>MERRY<BR>The one who is like the evening to her people?<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>The one who bare-handedly kills dragons?<BR><BR>MERRY<BR>Which ones?<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>All of them.<BR><BR>ARWEN<BR>Der same. And now, along with Strider my eternal love, we must escape into der woods before der dark riders come back. <BR><BR>ARWEN looks at FRODO.<BR><BR>ARWEN<BR> You're hurt! Here, ride my horse!<BR><BR>ARWEN bellows into the woods. A grey horse runs out. FRODO climbs onto the HORSE. the HORSE climbs onto ARWEN. They run off into the woods. STRIDER, the HOBBITS, BILL THE PONY and the POT ROAST follow...<BR>
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Postby Whistler » Thu May 25, 2000 1:08 pm

(Scene suddenly changes to a psychiatrist's office. Frodo is on the couch.)<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>Doctor, I have these terrible feelings of inadequacy. I've been trying to get in touch with my inner child, but other peoples' inner children keep threatening to beat me up and take my lunch money. I have these terrible headaches, and I'm nauseous all the time, and I think I have a fever blister coming. I've never been able to establish a healthy relationship with any woman other than my mother, who heaps this terrible guilt on my head because I didn't fulfill her dream of my becoming either a rabbi or the originator of a really great recipe for tuna casserole. I have this terrible fear of being sexually unattractive to women. I think about death all the time, and I wonder if life is just a meaningless void of horror and despair, like an evening at the Ice Capades.<BR><BR>PSYCHIATRIST:<BR>I see.<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>Well, I don't! What am I talking about? This dialogue doesn't seem right for the story. And where am I?<BR><BR>PSYCHIATRIST:<BR>New York, of course. It's the best place to be Jewish, neurotic, miserable and sexually frustrated.<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>I'm none of those things! Why are we interrupting the story? Where's the director? Where's PJ?<BR><BR>PSYCHIATRIST:<BR>He's getting a root canal. Woody Allen is filling in.<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>Well, he's all wrong for this story! And I don't have time for analysis!<BR><BR>PSYCHIATRIST:<BR>Ah, then! You don't feel inadequate?<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>Of course I do! I'm the ringbearer, for cryin' out loud! Who wouldn't be inadequate?<BR><BR>PSYCHIATRIST:<BR>Tell me about your feelings. Let's do inadequacy first, then take the others alphabetically.<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>Do I have to keep wearing these glasses? The frames are just awful.<BR><BR>PSYCHIATRIST:<BR>Whatever.<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>Well, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, which in fact it is. And sometimes...hey! Are we in black and white? <BR><BR>PSYCHIATRIST:<BR>Yes. Very artsy. You'll also notice, if you look around, that the room is filled with Freudian symbols, Art Deco and references to Ingmar Bergman. This is comedy, but it's comedy for really smart people. You watch it, then you discuss it over espresso.<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>That's too pretentious! As Liv says, it's just a movie. <BR><BR>PSYCHIATRIST:<BR>It's not a movie! It's a film.<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>It was a movie when we started. And it wasn't an intellectual comedy. It was a fantasy.<BR><BR>PSYCHIATRIST:<BR>Ah, fantasies! Yes, tell me about your fantasies. Don't be embarrassed.<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>Are you referring to Sam? Well, that's a load of Balrog droppings, pal! Darn that Ted Sandyman, shooting off his mouth! I'm outa here!<BR><BR>(Frodo storms out)<BR><BR>DIRECTOR:<BR>Cut! That's a wrap. Add a little Dixieland jazz, it'll be okay. Where's my wife? Gee, I hope she didn't miss the school bus!<BR><BR>(Scene changes suddenly to whatever it should have been in the first place.)<BR>
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Postby Mondprinzessin » Fri May 26, 2000 12:59 am

LOL<BR>o my god...i'll die laughing...<BR>this is a great thread! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0> someone should make a movie out of this screenplay!
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Postby Elmtree » Sat May 27, 2000 9:11 pm

No posts today? Where are we? Up to the flight to the ford, I think. Any takers? I love reading this stuff!<BR>More silence and you'll force me to write something (no! no!)<BR><BR><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0><BR>Elm
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Postby Radagast » Sun May 28, 2000 1:36 pm

Just as Frodo is leaving, Tom Bombadil and Old Man Willow walk into the office, and they look rather angry...<BR><BR>Frodo is back with Arwen, Aragorn, the other Hobbits, Bill the Pony, and the Pot Roast. They are sitting around the road near Weathertop.<BR><BR>SAM<BR>"Um... Didn't you get stabbed or something, Mr. Frodo?"<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>"Oh, yeah..." and resumes holding his wounded arm.<BR><BR>SAM <BR>"Uh, it was the other arm."<BR><BR>Frodo shifts arms and resumes his acting. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>"Oh dear, it seems I have been stabbed by the evil knife of the Nazgul! Where is the faded King? Where is the King?"<BR><BR>ELVIS walks by briefly, saying, "Right, here, and thank you very much for remembering me." He then takes a few more steps and runs into a camera platform. <BR><BR>The camera platform collapses behind the heroes as they discuss what to do with Frodo.<BR><BR>ARAGORN<BR>"Like, we should take to Elrond's House of Elven Wenches!!"<BR><BR>All the others look at him strangely.<BR><BR>ARAGORN<BR>"Umm.... I didn't say that.... I meant, we should take him to Elrond House and get him patched up again!"<BR><BR>POT ROAST<BR>"Nah, let's eat him!"<BR><BR>All the others looked at the POT ROAST strangely.<BR><BR>POT ROAST<BR>"What?! How would you feel being food on a long trip! Next thing I know, you'll be eating me!!!"<BR><BR>Everyone just shook their heads and sighed. Then, a few technical directors ran by and started clearing the ruined platform from the road. The Fellowship continues onto Elrond's house.<BR><BR>Some more odd scene transitions take place.<BR><BR>MERRY<BR>"Hey, shouldn't we have found some Trolls or something?"<BR><BR>ARAGORN<BR>"Nah, that's for the Special Edition!"<BR><BR>They reach the Bridge leading over the River and into Rivendell. As they are walking along, a tiny horse with an equally small rider comes by. <BR><BR>ARWEN<BR>"It iz Glorfindel!"<BR><BR>SAM<BR>"Uh... aren't Elves taller than that?"<BR><BR>ARWEN<BR>"No. I am ze the main woman of ze story, and thuz I am big and strong. But I am ze Queen of the Elves, a group of small woodland creatures."<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>"Small woodland creatures? Wouldn't that include squirrels?"<BR><BR>Just then, a wraith squirrel leaps out from nowhere and eats Glorfindel in one bite.<BR><BR>SAM<BR>"Gee, I wonder how those little Elves managed to defeat Sauron?"<BR><BR>Gandalf comes riding up out of nowhere.<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>"Well, it all started many years ago, back in the age of magic and mystery..." <BR><BR>SCREEN BEGINS TO FADE TO SECOND AGE BATTLE AGAIN.<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>"Enough!!! Look, Nazgul!"<BR><BR>All Nine Nazgul are standing on the bridge.<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>"Nazgul - I hate these guys!"<BR><BR>WITCH KING<BR>"I am the Witch King and I am a really bad dude. Surrend the Ring and no one gets hurt!"<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>"Never!"<BR><BR>WITCH KING<BR>"If only you knew the power of the Dark Side. You will obey."<BR><BR>All of the Nazgul begin to march forward. Suddenly, the bridge collapses from their combined weight and they all fall in. The WITCH KING survives and emerges from the water. ARWEN runs up to him and they begin fighting for no real reason.<BR><BR>ARWEN<BR>"You are beaten! It is useless to resist!"<BR><BR>WITCH KING<BR>"That was my line!"<BR><BR>The WITCH KING knocks ARWEN to one side and heads towards FRODO. GANDALF raises his staff to cast a spell, but he realizes that he left his staff back at Orthanc.<BR><BR>Just as the WITCH KING is about to kill FRODO, ARWEN fires a rocket laucher into him and he is blown into gory pieces. His spirit, which looks like ghost from the old Pac Man video game, goes scurrying back to Mordor.<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>"Wow! That was cool!"<BR><BR>SAM<BR>"Hey, Gandalf, why did you help us?"<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>"Because I lost my staff. However, it is easy to get a real Gandalf staff. Just go to your local toystore and ask for Gandalf's Magic Staff and you can have your own magic staff, just like mine!"<BR><BR>The Fellowship enters Rivendell and Gandalf sets off to buy himself a new staff...<BR>
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Postby Zaphod » Sun May 28, 2000 1:55 pm

---<BR>Oops, when I started this, Radagast hadn't posted yet. So, here is the alternative ending to Book One (and beginning of Two).<BR>---<BR>Flight to the Ford<BR>The hobbits depart Weathertop eastward, with Frodo slumped atop Arwen the Barbarian's horse.<BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>I want a turn on the horse! Frodo's been on his lazy arse all morning!<BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Pippin, are you forgetting the wound which he bears?<BR><BR>PIPPIN (mumbling)<BR>Always some excuse or another to be in the spotlight...<BR><BR>GLORFINDEL (pops out from behind a tree)<BR>Hail friends, I've come to lend my aid!<BR><BR>ARWEN<BR>Begone Glorfindel, to pull in over $40 mil the first weekend, I'm PJ's ticket!<BR><BR>GLORFINDEL (as he wanders back off into the woods)<BR>This isn't fair! First Bakshi cuts me, now this one too!<BR><BR>FRODO (looking west along the road)<BR>Uh, Strider. Remember when I said we should stay off the road, but then you said to take the road because we need to make good time, and then you wouldn't stop at the last rest stop even when I said I REALLY had to go, but then I said..<BR><BR>STRIDER (interrupting)<BR>Frodo, what IS it already!?!<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>NAZGUL are following us!<BR><BR>MERRY<BR>Where's Gandalf? Left us again. Just when a wizard would have been most useful.<BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>Sorry Merry, I think that's from the Hobbit.<BR><BR>MERRY<BR>Which hobbit?<BR><BR>STRIDER<BR>You know, THE Hobbit. The part where the dwarves see the trolls and Balin says...<BR><BR>MERRY (interrupting)<BR>Where's a troll? Isn't this bad enough with the Nazgul coming!<BR><BR>ARWEN<BR>Enough bantering, you two. You sound like an old married couple. Frodo, hit the road. We'll try to hold them off, won't we my brave hobbits? Hobbits?<BR><BR>SAM (from behind a quivering bush)<BR>YOU hold them off, Xena!<BR><BR>ARWEN (to her steed)<BR>Fly, my steed, Fly!<BR><BR>MERRY (whispering to Strider)<BR>Your girlfriend talks to horses.<BR><BR>STRIDER (rolling his eyes)<BR>Dude, I know.<BR><BR>Frodo flies off toward the Ford of Brunien with the Nazgul in hot pursuit. The hobbits moon them as they pass.<BR><BR>FRODO (from the other side of the river)<BR>Come on suckers, the water's fine.<BR><BR>NAZGUL<BR>What do you mean? Why wouldn't the water be fine?<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>No reason, I just mean that, uh, hey don't you want to get me or something?<BR><BR>The Nazgul look at each other, shrug, then start to cross the river. Moments later, they are shocked to see a tidal wave of raw sewage rushing downstream toward them. The smell of the sewage overcomes Frodo. He heard and saw no more.<BR><BR>Book Two<BR>Many Meetings<BR><BR>Frodo slowly awakens to the sound of a heart monitoring device beeping steadilly. <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Hah, I TOLD you he'd make it! Pay up Elrond!<BR><BR>ELROND (hands a few gold coins to Gandalf)<BR>A strong hobbit indeed.<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>You're my doctor, but you bet I wouldn't make it?<BR><BR>ELROND (checking Frodo's IV)<BR>Well, Frodo it didn't look good. You see, the knife had penetrated the trapezoidal muscle mass. The CAT scan revealed that the tip had already made its way to the upper broncial artery plus with the danger to the.. <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Whoa, there. English doc, English.<BR><BR>ELROND<BR>Two days of light activity and easy on the pipeweed.<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Two days? I thought you said this was a grave wound and that I could have died!<BR><BR>ELROND (embarassed)<BR>Well yes, but it would seem your insurance isn't up to date, and well, you know.<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Frodo now that you're awake, there's someone who wishes to see you.<BR><BR>FRODO (excited)<BR>Sam? Is it Sam?!?<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>No. Why did you think it was Sam?<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Er, no reason. Who is it then?<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Why your old friend Bilbo!<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Bilbo! Why it's that old coot's fault that I'm in this crazy mess! Him and his stupid rings and treasures.<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Frodo, that's not a very nice thing to say.<BR><BR>ELROND<BR>It's alright Gandalf, just the Demoral talking. He'll be his old, friendly self in no time, once the anastegia wears off.<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Well, I promised Bilbo I'd bring him to see you when you awoke, drug-induced haze or not.<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>In a moment, Gandalf. Could you pass me that bedpan...<BR><BR><BR>
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Postby Radagast » Mon May 29, 2000 3:49 pm

MANY MEETINGS:<BR><BR>SCENE: GANDALF and SAM are sitting next to FRODO'S bed. The Hobbit is resting and seems to be recovering from his sword wound - hopefully on the proper arm... FRODO stirs and opens his eyes...<BR><BR>GANDALF (while running around insanely):<BR>"It's alive! It's alive!!!"<BR><BR>SAM:<BR>"Um... you really don't have to do that just because Mr. Frodo is alive, sir..."<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"It's alive! It's - oh, yeah... Anyway, it's good to have you back in the world of the living, Frodo. That little knife could have ended your life quick, don't you know?"<BR><BR>FRODO (stares blankly at GANDALF)"<BR>"Yeah... that's what knifes are for..."<BR><BR>GANDALF looks dumbly at Frodo, blinks a few times, scratchs his butt, and then assumes the air of a really important wizard. He stands up - and his his head on the low rafters.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Ouch!"<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>"So where's the end of the knife that was heading towards my heart to make me into the tenth little Ringwraith after the Ring is taken from me?"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"How did you know about that?!"<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>"Hey, I read the book!"<BR><BR>SAM:<BR>"Isn't it about time we do something cool to impress the audience?"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Yes, it is!"<BR><BR>An ORC walks in. GANDALF blows it into chunky bits. He then bends down and lights his pipe on the flaming ashes.<BR><BR>SAM:<BR>"Didn't you give up smoking?"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Nay, you have me confused with another Gandalf..."<BR><BR>SAM:<BR>"Huh?"<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>"It's time to meet people, isn't it? Or is the title for this chapter all wrong?"<BR><BR>SCENE FADES TO BLACK<BR>NEW SCENE: FRODO is talking to BILBO in a modest hallway. BILBO is looking out a window while sitting on a chair. He is NOT wearing his slippers.<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>"Soooo... there you are!! You sent me on this stupid quest to destroy this Ring - I could have been killed you know!!!"<BR><BR>BILBO:<BR>"Yes, well... Elrond's House of Elven Wenches is so much more fun than the Shire..."<BR><BR>FRODO stares blankly.<BR><BR>BILBO:<BR>"Um... I didn't say that. Anyway, I am rather drunk right now, so you should really leave me be."<BR><BR>FRODO waits awhile, and then says:<BR>"Aren't you supposed to tell me a poem about some famous sailor or something?"<BR><BR>BILBO:<BR>"Can't. That's for the Special Edition, available in all good video stores after the release of the Return of the King... Do you want to go Elrond's House of Elven -"<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>"ENOUGH!!! The answer is yes, of course..."<BR><BR>SCENE FADES TO BlACK.<BR>TIME PASSES<BR>NEW SCENE: Elrond's meeting hall. It is reasonably large and full of ornate pillars and carvings on the walls, all done in motifs of leaves and flowers. The stones are generally green or blue. There are many windows, and the light of sunset is streaming through them. <BR><BR>FRODO and BILBO enter. Both seem unusually happy for some reason...<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"It is time to introduce you to all the cool dudes who will help you on your Quest!"<BR><BR>ARWEN thunders to the front and practically knocks GANDALF over. He drops his staff. <BR><BR>ARWEN:<BR>"There iz no need for a Fellowzip. I am the hero. I will deztroy Zauron with my bare handz..."<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Oh, great - just give away the plot, why don't you! Look, we need a Fellowship to keep this movie remotely like the Lord of the Rings!"<BR><BR>ARWEN:<BR>"Ze Lord of the Rings? Never heard of it."<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Of course not... Anywho, it seems you have already met Aragorn and Arwen... Next on the list is Boromir..."<BR><BR>BOROMIR stands up. He seems more than a bit confused as to why he is there.<BR><BR>BOROMIR:<BR>"I have no clue why I am here. Wasn't I supposed to have a dream or something?"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Yeah, well, your here to provide the noble sacri- uh, never mind. Hmmm... Next up is Legolas!"<BR><BR>NOBODY is seen to respond to that name.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Legolas? Are you hear, man?!"<BR><BR>LEGOLAS:<BR>"Over here, you big oaf!"<BR><BR>SCENE shifts to focus on LEGOLAS. The Elf is tiny (about 1 foot tall) and is busy talking to the pot roast on the table.<BR><BR>SAM:<BR>"What is with the tiny Elves?!"<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>"I don't know. Arwen said they are tiny, so they are."<BR><BR>SAM:<BR>"Does that make any sense?"<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>"Has anything else you've seen here?"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Well, we have our four Hobbits, our hero-ranger dude, our noble sacrifice guy, our super-woman heroin, and our tiny Elf comedy relief person... What else do we need? Oh, yes... A Dwarf! Gimli, son of Gloin!"<BR><BR>RANDOM PERSON:<BR>"Gloin? Is that pronouced like groin?"<BR><BR>GIMLI carves him in two pieces. Meaningless splattering of blood everywhere. <BR><BR>GIMLI:<BR>"Thank you, Gandalf, and I need a swig of some strong Dwwarrvveeennn Ale!"<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>"Oh, no... is he going to be saying that through the whole trip?!"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Okay, now its time for Elrond to show up!"<BR><BR>ELROND walks in. He is tiny (about 1.5 feet tall) and has a spinning crown of stars over his head. He is dressed in green and wearing a ring with a blue stone.<BR><BR>ELROND:<BR>"Okay, it's story time - on to The Council of Elrond!!"<BR><BR>SCENE FADES...<BR>
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Postby Beleg » Mon May 29, 2000 9:56 pm

SCENE: COUNCIL ROOM OF IMLADRIS<BR><BR>The room is huge and iridescent, no angles all curves. A long oblong table occupies the center, surrounded by a wild variety of chairs, with a little nook off to one side. This is what we see as FADE IN.<BR><BR>SAM<BR><i>snores gently, arms folded over his belly. A fly buzzes his nose, which he flicks away. Camera follows doomed insect spinning little bug guts in a pinwheel.</i><BR><BR>CUT TO EXTREME CLOSE-UP of ELROND<BR><BR>ELROND <i>sitting in his high chair, the bib plate down. He bangs his aluminum cup to get attention</i><BR>All right, all right, you can cut the cards later, Legolas, just simmer down...<BR><BR>LEGOLAS<BR>Hey, you can't talk to me like that, my dad's a king. And I don't have any lines for five pages yet. And..<i>looks at his cards, hurriedly hiding a smug look</i>..gosh, what an awful hand.<BR><BR>GIMLI<BR>Finally!<BR><BR><i>The pile of chips in front of the dwarf is much shorter than the elf's</i><BR><BR>ELROND<BR>Now we must discuss this Ring. <BR><BR>ARAGORN<BR>Hey, that is soo uncool. What are we going to do about this sword?<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Oh, I don't know. Looks about the right length for you. Maybe Arwen has some she doesn't want.<BR><BR>ARWEN<BR><i>smiling as sweetly as a 250-lb woman with blond braids and a horse in her lap can do</i><BR>Zat is richt, mein loff. You vill be wery happy wehn I chow you de svord I haff for you!<BR><BR>ARAGORN, FRODO, GANDALF<BR>Oy, vey...<BR><BR>DIRECTOR<BR>Now, cut that out!<BR><BR>ELROND<BR>Ahem!! I didn't get myself into this chair just to listen to you children squabble. Now, first things first: Frodo, when are you leaving?<BR><BR>FRODO <i>very dreamy voice</i><BR>Leaving, Telperiel dear? Not yet...we hobbits have such great endurance...<BR><BR>BILBO<BR>Wake up, you nit! <BR><BR>FRODO <i>startled</i><BR>Oh. Oh! Leaving? I just got here. Can't I just have a little more peril in this lovely castle? <i>looks around. Imladris bears this very uncomfortable resemblance to a certain square stone block in the middle of a Scottish swamp</i><BR><BR>ELROND<BR>No! I've got enough trouble with all these elves underfoot. You brought it, you bought it. Now you get it right on outta here.<BR><BR>ARAGORN<BR>Now, dad...The lil guy doesn't even know what you're talking about..<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Oh, yes I do, Kahuna. If you had to sit through three different flashback sequences with Gandalf narrating...sheesh! Couldn't they have gotten Chris Lee to do those voice-overs? His voice is so dreamy...<BR><BR>GANDALF <i>wearing his Fascist outfit from Richard III</i><BR>Now, that's quite enough of that! I didn't spend 25 years slaving away in provincial theatre to have some horror show freak's speaking voice used over this exquisite instrument I have honed to perfection!<BR><BR>BOROMIR<BR>Do I get to talk now?<BR><BR>LEGOLAS<BR>Only if you're going to call my bet.<BR><BR>BOROMIR<BR>Oh, sorry. <i>bets</i><BR><BR>ELROND<BR><i>takes a long look around the table. Notices Glorfindel sitting at the other end</i><BR>Didn't we write you out of this?<BR><BR>GLORFINDEL <i>wearing a t-shirt reading 'I was cast in Lord of the Rings and all I got was this stinking t-shirt'</i><BR>Nah. My agent threatened to sue PJ if I didn't get one line.<BR><BR>ELROND<BR>Oh, well, that's very different. So, was that your line?<BR><BR>GLORFINDEL <i>looks up, very surprised</i><BR>Yeah...hey, this is cool---<BR><BR><i>two orcs run in, snatch GLORFINDEL and drag him off, carving him into eensy little elfie pieces</i><BR><BR>ARWEN <i>smugly</i><BR>And the cost vas wery reathonable.<BR><BR>ELROND<BR>Well, you've all managed to eat me out of house and home in just a week. So, you're all nominated. Take that little rugrat with you <i>tosses his staff at Sam, who wakes, snarling</i> and just read the script. Do what it says and don't let the door hit your butts on the way out.<BR><BR>Meeting adjourned!<BR><BR>FADE TO BLACK<BR><BR><BR>
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Postby Alatar » Tue May 30, 2000 10:41 am

So far...BRAVO!!!!!<BR>(background noise of large crowd cheering, applauding, and a lot of WOOF, WOOF, WOOFing.)
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Postby Coney » Tue May 30, 2000 11:57 pm

::<i>Coney, fingers warming to his task, begins a new chapter.</i>::<BR><BR><u>THE THING GOES SOUTH</u><BR><BR>SCENE: <i>(Bilbo’s room at Imladris. The 5 hobbits are discussing the Council of Elrond.)</i><BR><BR>PIPPIN: I can’t believe it! Sam sneaks into the Council and they reward him by sending him with you, Frodo!<BR><BR>SAM: <i>(dreamily)</i> I know....<BR><BR>PIPPIN: Together, day and night, sweating and laboring together through all the wide lands between here and Mordor.<BR><BR>SAM: <i>(dreamily)</i> I know....<BR><BR>PIPPIN: And if things get tough, holding your hand, sharing the same food, cup, bedroll maybe....<BR><BR>SAM: <i>(dreamily)</i> I know.... <i>(Leans head on Frodo’s knee.)</i><BR><BR>FRODO: Hey! Cut that out!<BR><BR><i>(Pippin shuts up, rolls eyes upward and whistles innocently. Sam snaps upright, begins fiddling with cooking gear, making enormously long sandwich.)</i><BR><BR>GANDALF: <i>(Leans in Bilbo’s window, hits head on opening.)</i> Ouch! Hullo, my fine hobbits, you’ll need some wisdom on your trip, so guess what: I’m coming with you!<BR><BR><i>(Hobbits groan in unison)</i><BR><BR>MERRY: Say, I hear Old Butterbur back at Bree needs a fresh spell put on his beer. Maybe you could see to that first....? <i>(Trailing off, hopefully)</i><BR><BR>PIPPIN: Yeah, and I hear Elrond’s been having troll trouble north aways. Only Gandalf will do, I heard him say....?<BR><BR>FRODO: And you never can tell when the Ford of Bruinen will be racing with the spring melt-off....?<BR><BR>SAM: Would that be the ‘mustang’ shaped waves racing at the Ford, Mr. Frodo, Sir? <i>(He and Frodo break up into peals of laughter. Other hobbits groan.)</i><BR><BR>GANDALF: Silence! I am coming with you, and that’s that!<BR><BR>ARWEN: <i>(Walks up to window, leans in with her full weight, windowsill makes crunching sound.</i> Yah! Und I am coming, too! Von’t dat be nize? I can tell you stories about all der tiny little elves, und I can show you photocopies I made for my boyfriend of my, er, um, bodyparts.... <BR><i>(Looking downcast, sad voice.)</i> If only Orcs hadn’t eaten Papa in der lazt scene, zo I could zay gut-bye to him....<BR><BR>PIPPEN: But, the Orcs ate Glorfindel!<BR><BR>ARWEN: Yah, I know!<BR><BR>MERRY: But, you said they ate your Papa!<BR><BR>ARWEN: Yah... Und your point?<BR><BR>GANDALF: But ELROND's your father!<BR><BR>ARWEN: OH!! You zee, I grew up thinking GLORFINDEL vas my Papa! You mean it is really Elrond? Oh joy! <i>(Runs off to find her real Papa.)</i><BR><BR>MERRY: <i>(To Pippin, shaking head.)</i> Dude!<BR><BR>PIPPIN: Tell me about it!<BR><BR><i>(Days later, Elrond summons them.)</i> <BR><BR>ELROND: OK, folks, the spies have returned, Aragorn’s sword’s been fixed, and all you hobbits have eaten me out of house and home. I’m down to my last pot roast! I am sending you forth, you Nine Walkers...<BR><BR><i>(Arwen comes running in, speaking in musical voice.)</i> <BR><BR>ARWEN: Oh, Papa, don’t forget meee!<BR><BR>ELROND: ...TEN! You Ten Walkers to oppose the Nine Nazgul. Now THAT should even things up a bit. I’ve given you what provisions I could.<BR><BR>BILBO: <i>(Aside to Frodo.)</i> And I’VE given you Sting and the old mithril coat, eh? <i>(Elbows Frodo in the ribs.)</i> Ouch!<BR><BR><i>(Boromir takes out war-horn while nobody’s looking, gives it a couple of great blasts!)</i> HAROOOOOOOM!!! HAROOOOOOOM!!!<BR><BR><i>(Everybody hits the ground. Then Elrond sees it was just Boromir’s horn.)</i> <BR><BR>ELROND: Will somebody PLEASE take that thing away from Boromir?!?!<BR><BR>BOROMIR: Nay, always have I let my horn cry when setting forth, and…. Oh, alright, sorry guys!<BR><BR>ELROND: Farewell Ni- er, TEN Walkers!<BR><BR><i>(Sam finishes packing, puts pack on Bill the pony’s back. Bill the pony climbs up on Arwen’s back. The Company waves goodbye to the lights of the Last Homely House.)</i><BR><BR>SAM: <i>(To himself.)</i> Oh, darn, I’ve forgot a bit of rope! Well, too late now! I guess I’ll just have to figure out some other way to tie up Mr. Frodo, er, um, help him climb that is. He, he, he....<BR><BR>::<i><b>Coney seeing 'Yosemite Sam-looking' Gimli photo on web, MUST add the following...5/31 12:20p</b></i>::<BR><BR>SCENE: <i>(Outside Bruinen Ford, after Company turns South.)</i><BR><BR>GIMLI: <i>(Can be heard bellowing from rear of Company)</i> Dwaaaaarrrrrrvvennnn ALE!!!<BR><BR>FRODO: Oh no, he <i>is</i> going to be saying that the whole trip!<BR><BR><i>(Gimli stalks up to Legolas. He has an oversized leather and iron ring helmet pushed far back on his head, cartoonishly flaming-red beard parted in the middle, and two hand axes stuck in holsters on each hip.)</i><BR><BR>GIMLI: Wha-a-r-res mah Dwa-a-a-r-r-rven Ale, ya pointy-eared galoot!? 'Cause Ahm Erebor Gimli, the roughest, toughest, rootin-tootinest, meanest hombre north o’ the Runnin’ River!!!<BR><BR>LEGOLAS: <i>(Munching on carrot)</i> Eh, what’s up, Gimli?<BR><BR>GIMLI: Somebody said yew had mah Dwarven Ale in your pack, and Ah WANTS IT BACK!!! <i>(Hands stray toward hand axes in belt.)</i><BR><BR><i>(Legolas grabs Gimli by sides of head and plants a big kiss full on his mouth. Then, bouncing like a rubber ball 4 times around scenery, Legolas does a swan dive off a short cliff into the top of a nearby tree.)</i><BR><BR><i>(Gimli grabs helmet down onto head, squinches up eyes and jumps up and down.)</i><BR><BR>GIMLI: O-o-o-o-ooh! Ah HATES that varmint!!!<BR><BR><i>(As scene fades to black, the appropriate Warner Bros. music springs up in the background.)</i><BR><BR>
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Postby Diamond of Long Cleeve » Wed May 31, 2000 8:32 am

Having laughed myself silly at the last chapter, I will continue:<BR><BR>THE THING GOES EVEN MORE SOUTH <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0> <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><BR><BR>SCENE: The Fellowship of the Thing are trekking through the Misty Mountains. Snow is falling. Oh, this is boring. Cut to BOROMIR blowing his war-horn.<BR><BR>HORN:<BR>HAROOOOOOOM!!! HAROOOOOOOM!!!<BR><BR>(This starts off an avalanche which buries the entire Fellowship. ARWEN's powerful arms are seen digging a hole out of the snow. She digs out each member of the Fellowship in turn). <BR><BR>FRODO (angrily shaking snow off himself)<BR>Bloody hell, Boromir! Will you STOP doing that! <BR><BR>BOROMIR<BR>Sorry, Thing-bearer. Hey, why ARE you the Thing-bearer, by the way? I was just wondering ...<BR><BR>SAM (darkly)<BR>Don't trust him, Mr Frodo, he keeps looking at you in a funny way!<BR><BR>PIPPIN (pertly)<BR>Well, YOU keep looking at Frodo in a funny way and I don't see him complaining!<BR><BR>FRODO (going red)<BR>Shut up, Pippin!<BR><BR>MERRY (soothingly)<BR>Pip - give it a rest, mate.<BR><BR>ARWEN (cheerfully)<BR>Now boyz, ztop arguing. Vat vould you do wizzout me to look after you all, huh?<BR><BR>FRODO (muttering)<BR>We might have a decent script, for one thing ...<BR><BR>GANDALF <BR>Now, everybody, the avalanche has neatly cut off the Redhorn Pass so we can't cross the mountains that way. Our only hope is go to through the Mines of Moria.<BR><BR>(Ominous music suddenly plays). <BR><BR>EVERYBODY<BR>Oh no! Not - the Mines of Moria! <BR><BR>ARAGORN<BR>I too have passed the Dimrill Stair but the memory is very evil. I do not wish to enter Moria a second time.<BR><BR>ARWEN<BR>Und vy is zat, dahlink?<BR><BR>ARAGORN <BR>Er ... I can't remember. No doubt the scriptwriters will tie that particular loose thread up.<BR><BR>(ARWEN pinches his cheek fondly. ARAGORN winces visibly).<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Wait a minute, everybody ... what about the Wargs?<BR><BR>EVERYBODY<BR>What about them?<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Well, they're supposed to turn up around now. <BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>The crows, the crows! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>No, I said Wargs!<BR><BR>PIPPIN (yelling in alarm)<BR>The crows! The crows! They're looking at us in a funny way!<BR><BR>(The Fellowship suddenly notice a huge flock of crows diving towards them). <BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Duck, you fools!<BR><BR>(Everybody ducks.)<BR><BR>GIMLI (waving his axe at the crows)<BR>Shove off, you overstuffed buzzards!<BR><BR>ARAGORN<BR>Those crows are evil! They are spies of Sauron! His arm has grown long!<BR><BR>GIMLI<BR>His arm's grown bloody long if he can lob a bunch of crows at us from blinkin' Barad-dur!<BR><BR>LEGOLAS<BR>No, Gimli, you ignorant oik, that's just a figure of speech. But I wouldn't expect an uncouth, intellectually challenged child of Aule to know that.<BR><BR>(A sub-title appears on the screen. It says: 'Aule'.)<BR><BR>GIMLI<BR>Now listen here, you Silvan ponce ...<BR><BR>(A sub-title appears on the screen. It says: 'Silvan'.)<BR><BR>ARWEN (squeezing ARAGORN'S arm for no other reason than the fact he is standing next to her. He winces visibly.)<BR>Boyz, boyz, boyz! All zis arguing! <BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Arwen's right. We should be demonstrating a true spirit of fellowship and solidarity and, you know, really get into that male bonding stuff. <BR><BR>SAM (under his breath)<BR>Any time, Mr Frodo sir. You just say the word.<BR><BR>MERRY (yawning)<BR>Sorry, but I'm bored. Where are the Wargs again?<BR><BR>(Right on cue, a sinister howling starts. A pack of Wargs bound into the clearing and start chasing the Fellowship round a tree. The Wargs are then shot with arrows by LEGOLAS, kicked by BILL the PONY and the POT ROAST, and cut to pieces with swords by ARWEN, ARAGORN, and EVERYBODY ELSE. Then GANDALF sets fire to all the trees and the Wargs run off again.)<BR><BR>ARAGORN (shouting)<BR>The arm of Sauron has grown long!<BR><BR>LEGOLAS<BR>Metaphorically speaking.<BR><BR>GIMLI (muttering)<BR>Show-off!<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Right, that was a bracing little interlude! How much screen-time does the Thing-bearer reckon?<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>About thirty seconds.<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Not bad, not bad. No need to wait for the Director's Cut then! <BR><BR>(And so the Fellowship of the Thing journey to the Doors of Moria. BILL the PONY and the POT ROAST are carried by ARWEN, LEGOLAS carries GIMLI ... you get the picture). <BR><BR>Next chapter: A JOURNEY IN THE DARK.<BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR>
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Postby Radagast » Wed May 31, 2000 9:23 am

A JOURNEY IN THE DARK:<BR>-------------------------<BR><BR>The Fellowship is trudging through the wilderness, heading towards the Mines of Moria. It is late evening and clouds speckle the sky as the moon rises.<BR><BR>ARAGORN:<BR>"We are doomed."<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"For the LAST TIME - will you stop saying that?! It does not make you look more heroic."<BR><BR>LEGOLAS:<BR>"Look, up in the sky!"<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>"Is it a bird?"<BR><BR>MERRY:<BR>"Is is a plane"<BR><BR>SAM:<BR>"Is it a man wearing tight tights?"<BR><BR>LEGOLAS:<BR>"No, you dolts - it's a black shadowy thing. Probably one of those winged Nazgul we've heard about."<BR><BR>EVERYONE looks at him blankly.<BR><BR>LEGOlAS:<BR>"Oh, come on! Didn't you guys read the Lord of the Rings?"<BR><BR>GIMLI:<BR>"Yeah, I think so... While I was drinking some strong, Dwarrrvveeennn Ale."<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Wasn't there something about Sauron not sending the Nazgul across the River yet? Could this be some sort of plot-hole in the Master's Work?"<BR><BR>THUNDERCLOUDS gather directly over GANDALF and lightning flashes.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Okay! Okay! I take it back!"<BR><BR>THUNDERCOULDS depart.<BR><BR>GIMLI:<BR>"Well, considering how long Sauron's arm is, I guess he could stick a Nazgul on our trails."<BR><BR>GANDALF (sobbing):<BR>"Aarrgghh!!! That's a metaphorical arm!?!!"<BR><BR>GIMLI:<BR>"Where? And what's a metaphor? And how many arms do they usually have?"<BR><BR>Nobody says anything, and soon the party reaches the dismal lake that lies in front of the Gates to Moria.<BR><BR>PIPPIN:<BR>"The air is foul here."<BR><BR>GIMLI:<BR>"Well, don't look at me! I didn't eat the beans before we left!"<BR><BR>GANDALF belchs and then speaks:<BR>"It seems we have reached the Lake of the Watcher!"<BR><BR>PIPPIN and MERRY:<BR>"Huh?"<BR><BR>GANDALF lowers his eyebrows and puts an evil look on his face as he flips through his copy of the Fellowship of the Ring:<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Oh, you'll see my pretties... you'll see..."<BR><BR>The FELLOWSHIP keeps walking and soon reaches the Gates of Moria.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Hmmmm... They seem to be locked..."<BR><BR>LEGOLAS:<BR>"Duh. Would you leave your front door wide open in this place?"<BR><BR>GANDALF looks blankly at LEGOLAS and then says:<BR>"Hey! Just whose the wise guy around here, anyway?!"<BR><BR>LEGOLAS:<BR>"Oh, you are, most great and wise Goodolf, you are..."<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"That's better!"<BR><BR>GANDALF begins muttering wierd words of magic to the door. Cool sparkles and colors flash around him without much point. Finally, he beings simply beating on the door while cursing in Elven. Eventually, night falls and Gandalf gives up. He then pulls out a flask of wine and starts drinking.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Maybe I'll understand this better if I get drunk first..."<BR><BR>TIME PASSES<BR><BR>POT ROAST (To itself)<BR>"At least nobody's eaten me yet!"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"I've got it!"<BR><BR>He leaps up and hits his head on a low holly limb.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Ouch!"<BR><BR>He then rubs off the grime on the door and reads it aloud:<BR>"I, a cool dead Elf of old, do hereby dedicate this door to the wonderful dwarves who live here and the Seven Kings of the Dwarves: Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, Loony, Hungry, Dopey, and Doc."<BR><BR>GANDALF then walks over to ARWEN and says:<BR>"As the needless addition to this story, you should have no problem getting this door open since the door magic only works against those it expects to be there."<BR><BR>ENTIRE FELLOWSHIP:<BR>"Huh?"<BR><BR>GANDALF to ARWEN:<BR>"Oh, just open the stinking door!"<BR><BR>ARWEN walks up to the door and flexs her muscles. Lots of skin, needless grunting, sweat, etc. She then pries the doors open.<BR><BR>ARWEN:<BR>"Zere. Ze doorz are open!"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Yes... we can see that..."<BR><BR>BOROMIR blows on horn. Rocks fall and something stirs in the water.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Why did you do that?!"<BR><BR>BOROMIR:<BR>"Uh, just because, I guess..."<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Well, just for that, you can go fight the Watcher!"<BR><BR>WATCHER emerges from the water. It has many tendrils, heads, and teeth. It is green-black and slimy.<BR><BR>BOROMIR:<BR>"Arrrggghhh!!!!"<BR><BR>He then dives in and starts hacking at the Watcher.<BR><BR>ARWEN:<BR>"I vill zhow it who iz bozz."<BR><BR>ARWEN slowly strides into the water like a tank. She starts hacking at the Watcher. A needless battle takes place, full of explosions, screams, and wierd, Matrix-like slow motion shots of people in battle. Near the end, a bunch of gals from Baywatch run by, wearing nearly nothing.<BR><BR>GANDALF (Looking at watch):<BR>"Well, that was just the right amount of needless action for this scene. Lets go!"<BR><BR>The FELLOWSHIP piles into the Moria and closes the Gate behind them.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Ummm... why did we do that? Now we can't get out..."<BR><BR>PIPPIN:<BR>"According to the book, the Watcher is supposed to chase us in here and block the door with falling rocks."<BR><BR>ARAGORN:<BR>"How heroic! I like our version better - we killed three or four watchers and lit the whole lake on fire! Much cooler!"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Ah, well... It can't be helped now. I guess we had to do that to keep the plot even remotely sane. Forward now!"<BR><BR>GANDALF takes a few steps forwards and then falls down a huge staircase.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"AHHHHHHHH!!!!!"<BR><BR>MERRY:<BR>"I knew we should have left him back at Rivendell."<BR><BR>PIPPIN:<BR>"I guess we have to go get him now."<BR><BR>SAM:<BR>"I have a bad feeling about this."<BR><BR>OBIWAN KENOBI:<BR>"Duhhhhh....."<BR><BR>POT ROAST:<BR>"Onward!"<BR><BR>The FELLOWSHIP then journeys through the dark, with the Pot Roast in the lead...<BR><BR>
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Postby freaqboy » Wed May 31, 2000 10:26 am

The scene is DARK. very DARK. In fact, the whole scene is BLACK as the fellowship apparently make their way down the stairs. Whispering can be heard. Finally, they make it to the bottom and find GANDALF.<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR> Bloody stairs, crept right up on me... I'm OK...<BR><BR>Sounds of SCUFFLING heard<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Hey, who touched my bum?<BR><BR>EVERYBODY BUT SAM<BR>Not me!<BR><BR>ARAGORN<BR>Can somebody light a magical staff here? I can't like see a thing!<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Right, right... just a second...<BR><BR>MAGICAL STAFF lights up, illuminating a dark, scary set, obviously not completed yet.<BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>Actually, I think it was better without the light...<BR><BR>GANDALF extinguishes the light. They continue in complete darkiness. GANDALF hits his head on a beam.<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Ouch!<BR><BR>The TEN continue through the darkness. Suddenly, it gets just light enough to see... A CORPSE COMING OUT OF A CLOSET!<BR><BR>EVERYONE<BR>AAAH!<BR><BR>It gets dark again. They walk forward, and it gets just light enough to see... A RUBBER SPIDER ON A STRING COMING DOWN IN FRONT OF THEM!<BR><BR>EVERYONE<BR>AAAH!<BR><BR>It gets dark again. They travel forward. It gets just light enough for them to see... A PAGAN STATUE OF A LONG-FORGOTTEN GOD WITH BIG TEETH AND A TONGUE STICKING OUT!<BR><BR>EVERYONE<BR>AAAH!<BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>Ok, this is getting tired...<BR><BR>MERRY<BR>We need to get across how creepy and scary this place is...<BR><BR>Suddenly, it gets just light enough for them to see... A CORPSE OF A PAGAN STATUE OF A LONG-FORGOTTEN GOD WITH BIG TEETH AND A SPIDER STICKING OUT OF HIS MOUTH, LEAPING OUT OF A CLOSET!<BR><BR>EVERYONE<BR>AAAH!<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Everyone suitably frightened? Good!<BR><BR>CUT TO... a DARK ROOM with a WELL in the middle. Everyone seems to be getting ready for BED.<BR><BR>FRODO<BR>Sam... that's MY bedroll<BR><BR>SAM(smiling coyly)<BR>Oh... is it? <BR><BR>PIPPIN throws a rock into the well. Sounds are heard from below. The well throws the rock back.<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>No, Pippin! Whatever you do, do NOT throw anything down the well. The things down there are dark and... EVIL!!!<BR><BR>LIGHTNING flashes. OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS. Everyone GASPS. <BR><BR>PIPPIN<BR>NOOOOOOOOO!!!<BR><BR>GANDALF<BR>Yes. It all happened in the second age, when Men and Elves fought as one... <BR><BR>CUT TO second age.<BR><BR>CUT TO ARWEN slapping GANDALF around like a bad monkey<BR><BR>ARWEN<BR> Dis is enuf of der schkreaming and der carryink on of der sekunt age, you gots dat?<BR><BR>GANDALF(Battered and bruised)<BR>Killl... me.... let... me... die...<BR><BR>ARAGORN<BR>Sorry man, you gotta fight the Balrog...<BR><BR>CUT TO wide angle shot of the company falling asleep. GANDALF writhes in pain. The camera slowly pans down to the WELL, where INDUSTRIAL MINING EQUIPMENT is heard... A THIN HOBBIT-LIKE CREATURE with BIG EYES done in TRON-like BAD CGI crawls into view, wearing a MINING HELMET. He FLICKS OFF the light on his helmet, disappearing in the darkness...<BR><BR>
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Postby Coney » Wed May 31, 2000 12:20 pm

Ooops, sorry! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif"border=0>
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Postby Radagast » Wed May 31, 2000 7:43 pm

(Hey, I just have to take the Balrog scene!)<BR><BR>FRODO:<BR>"Hey, did anyone see a terrible CGI character wander past?"<BR><BR>SAM (who is obviously staring at Frodo):<BR>"Huh? Uh, no..."<BR><BR>JAR JAR BINKS:<BR>"Well, don't look at mesa!"<BR><BR>TIME PASSES.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Well, I need me a good smoke!"<BR><BR>PIPPIN:<BR>"I thought you gave that up, or was that the other Gandalf!"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Ah, the heck with it!"<BR><BR>GANDALF breaks out a patch of chewing tobacco.<BR><BR>MERRY:<BR>"I think I liked the real Gandalf better. You know, the one in the books."<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"I heard that! Just for that, Pippin gets to take the first watch!"<BR><BR>PIPPIN:<BR>"Huh? I didn't do anything!"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Not yet..."<BR><BR>TIME PASSES. Everyone else is asleep. Arwen is snoring loud enough to wake a Balrog and prevent Sauron from sleeping all the way over in Mordor. Oddly, this does not seem to disturb lover-boy Aragorn. Pippin is left all alone.<BR><BR>PIPPIN:<BR>"Hmmm... Is that a strange hole in which to toss things over there?"<BR><BR>PIPPIN walks over the hole. He then grabs a nearby rock and tosses it down the hole. There is a muffled "OUCH!!" from below.<BR><BR>PIPPIN:<BR>"Now why the heck did I do that?"<BR><BR>GANDALF (Who comes out of nowhere from behind):<BR>"A good question. Next time, chuck yourself in the hole, you, ah... um.... Hmmmm.... stupid hobbit..."<BR><BR>There is the sound of hammers tapping and a stereo playing deep within the mountain.<BR><BR>The Fellowship + 1 continues on their path. Soon, they reach the chambers of Balin. <BR><BR>GIMLI:<BR>"Ahhhh... I bet I can find some strong, Dwwwaaaarrrrvvveeennnn Ale in here somewhere."<BR><BR>LEGOLAS:<BR>"Does the fact that some Dwarven pals of yours were brutally slaughtered in here bother you?"<BR><BR>GIMLI finds a barrel of ale and practically falls into it in his efforts to get drunk.<BR><BR>Meanwhile, GANDALF and ARAGORN have found a journal containing the records from the last days of the Dwarves.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Hmmmm... If this is right, we are doomed."<BR><BR>ARAGORN:<BR>"I thought we weren't supposed to say that!?"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Oh, sorry. Anyway, this has all sorts of nice lines in it, like 'The Watcher ate Grumpy' and 'There is no way out.' and 'They are coming' but I won't bore you with the details. Anyway, time to be going."<BR><BR>DRUMS START BEATING.<BR><BR>LEGOLAS:<BR>"There is no way out."<BR><BR>GIMLI:<BR>"GLUB!"<BR><BR>PIPPIN:<BR>"Oh, heck, it's not my line, but: They are coming!"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Why have I been such a fool! I hung out here too long! That's what I get for looking through these old chests for loose gold coins and copies of Elf Wench Weekly! Aye, what an old fool I have become!"<BR><BR>ARWEN:<BR>"Ziz is no problem. I vill deztroy the horde myzelf."<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"That's very sporting of you, but that makes no sense. Quickly, we have some running to do!"<BR><BR>Suddenly, a TROLL begins to push it's way past the door. <BR><BR>MERRY STABS THE TROLLS FOOT:<BR><BR>MERRY:<BR>"For PJ!!!"<BR><BR>The wounded TROLL retreats. The party flees, killing random orcs that pop out of the walls as they go. Eventually, they run out of Orcs and start killing Stormtroopers and Ninjas. <BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"I must seal the doors with a spell of Sealing!"<BR><BR>He whips out a handful of dice and says:<BR>"Let's see the Balrog make a saving throw vs. THIS!!!"<BR><BR>GANDALF goes up the stairs. There is a muttering of words of magic, and then a huge flash. GANDALF comes flying back down the stairs and hits his head on the stone.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"OUCH!!"<BR><BR>ARAGORN:<BR>"Are you okay, dude?"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Yes, but there was something terrible there - something that I have never felt before. It seemed that there was a shadow past the door, and it ate up all light in its black cloud. Even the Orcs feared it, and its counterspell almost broke me. I will need to rest for awhile, and I can give you no more light for now!"<BR><BR>PIPPIN:<BR>"Didn't you say it was a Balrog before you went running dumbly up the stairs?"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Will somebody shut up this annoying Hobbit?! He's ruining my big moment!"<BR><BR>The party runs on as the drums beat. Finally, they reach the lower levels. A great chasm lies beyond them, while the Bridge of Moria lies between them and their escape.<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"'Gash' means fire. Maybe the lower levels are fire..."<BR><BR>ARAGORN:<BR>"Dude, we're here and they are on fire!"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"Oh... Well, run for the Bridge everyone! Last one across is Orc meat!"<BR><BR>EVERYONE runs for the Bridge. As they do so, bad guys come up from behind and start bridging the chasm. At their head a is a vast flaming shadow. It is man-like, only larger, and seemingly carved of fire and ash. It wields a whip of many thongs in one hand, but it has only one wing.<BR><BR>LEGOLAS:<BR>"Aye! Aye! Boy do I feel dumb saying Aye! A Balrog has come!"<BR><BR>GIMLI:<BR>"uhh...."<BR><BR>LEGOLAS smacks GIMLI<BR><BR>GIMLI:<BR>"Oh, Burin's Dane?!"<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"This just plain sucks! Everyone - run bravely while I do my hero thing!"<BR><BR>The Balrog reached the bridge. Gandalf went out to meet it. Both stand at a sword's distance away from each other while exchanging mean looks.<BR><BR>GANDALF (in a Clint Eastwood voice):<BR>"You ain't getting past me, Balrog."<BR><BR>BALROG (in a Cling Eastwood voice):<BR>"I reckon so."<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"It doesn't have to be like this, you know. I am a Servant of the Secret Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Arnor."<BR><BR>BALROG:<BR>"Yeah, and I am the Flame of Uden. But what does it matter? We're both men, and I reckon that that is our destiny."<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"I'm the fastest draw in the West."<BR><BR>BALROG:<BR>"And I am the fastest draw in the East."<BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"I reckon so."<BR><BR>BALROG:<BR>"I reckon so."<BR><BR>There is a long pause. Tumbleweeds drift by as the two characters' hands hover over their swords like a pair of cowboys in a shoot out. The tumbleweeds catch fire as they go past the Balrog and fall into the pit.<BR><BR>GANDALF spits a wad of tabacco. Both draw their swords. There is a flash of light, and the Balrog's sword is broken. <BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR>"I reckone I've won, partner."<BR><BR>BALROG:<BR>"I reckon not..."<BR><BR>BALROG swings whip at GANDALF just as the wizard breaks the Bridge. Both fall into the pit and go boom. <BR><BR>GANDALF, as he is falling:<BR>"Awwww..... Crap......"<BR><BR>LEGOLAS:<BR>"You heard the man! Let's fly!"<BR><BR>ARAGORN:<BR>"Strange, that's not what I heard him say...."<BR><BR>ARWEN:<BR>"I will zhow that ztinking Balrog who iz bozz..."<BR><BR>ARAGORN:<BR>"That's nice, dear, but Mr. Balrog has already fallen into the big hole, so I think this is our cue to be leaving."<BR><BR>The Fellowship + 1 departs the Mines, screaming like madmen all the while. As they leave, the Orcs are last scene crying and weeping for the loss of nice Mr. Balrog.<BR><BR><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0> <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0> <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><BR>
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Postby Hama » Thu Jun 01, 2000 8:46 am

LOTHLORIEN, AN ANDROGYNOUS PLACE!<BR><BR>Cut to the dimrill dale, We have ARWEN carrying BILL THE PONY, which is carrying FRODO, followed by ARAGORN, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, BOROMIR and the POT ROAST.<BR><BR>ARWEN: (Points ahead)<BR>Der is Dimril Dale!<BR><BR>ARWEN: (Points at the mountains)<BR>Der is da Misty Mountains!<BR><BR>ARWEN: (Points at ARAGORN)<BR>Der is my love!<BR><BR>ARWEN: (Points behind at the POT ROAST)<BR>Der is da Pot Roast!<BR><BR>ARWEN: (Points behind at lots of orcs coming from the gates of Moria)<BR>Der is da Orcs!<BR><BR>ARAGORN:<BR>Quick the orcs are following us with lots of orcs, and there are lots of them too. There is no time to lose.<BR><BR>TOULOUSE-LAUTREC:<BR>Que le diable je fais - ici? (Subtitles appear - "What the devil am I doing here?")<BR><BR>ARAGORN:<BR>Run away! Run away!<BR><BR>The fellowship runs away. TOULOUSE-LAUTREC is skewered by several orcs.<BR><BR>TOULOUSE-LAUTREC:<BR>Mon Dieu!<BR><BR>ORC CAPTAIN: (To TOULOUSE-LAUTREC)<BR>Consider that revenge for your stupid poster of the Moulin Rouge!<BR> <BR>The fellowship run towards Lothlorien. A troop of limp-wristed, androgynous looking Elves stand out from behind various trees. They are dressed in autumnal shades, a variety of fabrics which swish about in a very fetching manner indeed. They are all wearing make up, eye shadow, lipstick, etc, etc. They mince towards the fellowship.<BR><BR>ELF 1:<BR>COOEEE! ARWEN LOVE!<BR><BR>ELF 2: (Examines hands)<BR>Oh look, I've cracked a nail.<BR><BR>ELF 3:<BR>Well doesn't it make you want to stamp! I've got a loose thread in my tunic!<BR><BR>The orcs scream in complete horror and run away back to Moria. The fellowship meet up with the elves.<BR><BR>ARWEN:<BR>Hi derr!<BR><BR>ELF 2:<BR>Oh she's so butch! I love it!<BR><BR>Aragorn steps forward.<BR><BR>ARAGORN:<BR>Leave her alone, she is not for you. She is my love.<BR><BR>ELF 1:<BR>Ooooh! Listen to him. Give a mortal a broken sword and he thinks he's king.<BR><BR>ELF 2:<BR>Getting very uppity, these mortals. <BR><BR>ELF 3 runs a hand over ARAGORNS shoulder and holds out his fingers so that the others can see.<BR><BR>ELF 3:<BR>Look at the dust on him.<BR><BR>ELF 1 & ELF 2: (pursing lips in a critical manner)<BR>Hmmmm!<BR><BR>ARWEN clatters the elves to one side.<BR><BR>ARWEN:<BR>Enough of dis! Take us to granny, now!<BR><BR>The elves pout at Arwen, but do as she says, leading them into the depths of the forest!<BR><BR>Hama.<BR><BR>
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Postby Radagast » Thu Jun 01, 2000 3:39 pm

MEANINGLESS CUT TO THE DARK TOWER:<BR><BR>SAURON is sitting on his usual offical Evil Dude throne. The Mouth of Sauron is standing before him. In classical Fanatasy villian stype, the Mouth is portrayed as a bumbling idiot. His robes are too long, he has a silly sounding voice, his sword is on the wrong way, and he's as dumb as a post.<BR><BR>MOUTH:<BR>"Uhh.... We still haven't found that Ring Thing yet..."<BR><BR>SAURON:<BR>"Yes? And your point is?"<BR><BR>MOUTH:<BR>"Um.... I don't know. You want me to keep looking?"<BR><BR>SAURON leaps down from the throne and smacks the Mouth of Sauron across the room in one motion.<BR><BR>SAURON:<BR>"YES YOU DOLT!!!!"<BR><BR>MOUTH:<BR>"Uh... Okay. No need to get all hissy. Why don't you just use that Seeing Eyeball thing you have and find it?"<BR><BR>SAURON:<BR>"Because, like all great villian geniuses, I need to have useless flunkies do my work for me. Then, when I lose, I can blame them!"<BR><BR>MOUTH:<BR>"Okay, that's nice and all, but why don't you just win in the first place?"<BR><BR>SAURON:<BR>"Because I am not allowed to! DUH!!!"<BR><BR>MOUTH:<BR>"I'll be leaving now..."<BR><BR>MOUTH leaves. SAURON walks over to the row of pictures of the Kings of Gondor and starts talking to Aragorn's picture again.<BR><BR>SAURON:<BR>"Soon it will all be over, my young apprentice. You have fought well, but not well enough. I have much revenge to get, yes I do. It all started in the Second Age, when the Elve's and Men made their last stand against me..."<BR><BR>SCENE FADES TO SECOND AGE BATTLE. Sounds of sobbing in the background.<BR><BR>SCENE FADES IN but everything is told from a twisted SAURON viewpoint.<BR><BR>BARA-DUR is a happy and cheerful place with a forest and garden around it. All the Orcs are buys playing games, talking, and sleeping in the sun. SAURON is shown as a nice old man, clad in overalls, working in his garden.<BR><BR>SUDDENLY, CLOUDS loom overhead. There is the sound of marching. An ARMY appears out of nowhere.<BR><BR>ISILDUR:<BR>"It is time for you to be smited, Sauron."<BR><BR>SAURON (innocently):<BR>"Me? What did I do? I was just planting flowers in my garden!"<BR><BR>GIL-GALAD:<BR>"No more gardens for you - or your Orcs!"<BR><BR>The Elven army kills all the Orcs cruelly without warning.<BR><BR>SAURON:<BR>"But... But, surely we can work something out?"<BR><BR>ISILDUR:<BR>"No deals, dirtbag. You die, scum!"<BR><BR>SAURON is killed, the Ring is taken, and all fades back to the Dark Tower throne room.<BR><BR>SAURON (to Aragorn's picture):<BR>"And if wasn't for that day, I wouldn't be such the mean monster that I am now! So there! And you'll pay for this, Aragorn - you'll pay!"<BR><BR>SAURON begins laughing insanely while wielding a huge sword.<BR><BR>SCENE fades out.<BR>
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Postby Radagast » Sat Jun 03, 2000 4:04 pm

(OOC: Just couldn't let this fall to the bottom of the topics. Come on, folks - we have two more books to write!)<BR>
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Postby Elmtree » Sat Jun 03, 2000 5:05 pm

Radagast, we need some more rumors! We're basing this on the various rumors, aren't we?<BR>Hmm... time to go to TORN and EOnline, I guess...<BR><BR>(were there Samauri elves in Lorien, I wonder?)
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Postby Hama » Mon Jun 05, 2000 12:48 am

Elmtree, you betcha!<BR><BR>Lothlorien. ARWEN is here, with BILL THE PONY on her back and FRODO on the back of BILL THE PONY. ARAGORN, BOROMIR, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM, LEGOLAS, GIMLI and the POT ROAST are here, as are ELF 1, ELF 2 and ELF 3.<BR><BR>ELF 1: (very camp) All right luvvies, as we agreed, it's time to play 'Blind Man's Buff' with the cute little dwarf!<BR><BR>GIMLI: (outraged) This was NOT with my agreement.<BR><BR>ELF 2: (even camper than ELF 1) Oh, don't be such a spoil sport! (Turns to the others) I hope the emphasis will be on the 'Buff' part.<BR><BR>The other elves nod. Gimli gets out his chopper, I mean axe. Arwen gestures ahead.<BR><BR>ARWEN: (angry) Ve hav no time for dis! Lead on!<BR><BR>ELF 3: (really, really camp) Well, I must say that it is customary to have at least one game of 'BMB' before we go on. It won't take very… (He/She/It is interrupted by a large throaty cry, HALDIR in full samurai gear leaps through the trees yelling his head off. He is followed by RUMIL waving a very long flag on a very long lance. On the flag is a picture of the rising sun of the elves).<BR><BR>HALDIR: HAAAAAIIIIIIII!<BR><BR>Haldir runs at the fellowship, waving his sword about in all directions. In the space of three seconds he has (A) removed all the buttons from SAM'S 'weskit', (B) Trimmed all the fur from BOROMIR'S cloak, (C) Cut all the braces currently holding up MERRY'S trousers and (D) cut all the string currently holding the POT ROAST together. <BR><BR>HALDIR: (bowing) Honoulable guests! Welcome to Lolien!<BR><BR>Everybody bows in return. Sam retrieves his buttons, BOROMIR scowls at his cloak, MERRY holds his trousers up and looks extremely embarrased and BILL THE PONY puts the string back around the POT ROAST.<BR><BR>HALDIR: (bowing again) You must all come with me! We go to see great geisha, Galadriel-san! You come with me, yes?<BR><BR>Everybody bows back.<BR><BR>GIMLI: (eyeing the other elves with disfavour) Just so long as I do not have to play 'Blind Man's Buff'.<BR><BR>HALDIR: Excuse me? We no play games here! <BR><BR>HALDIR turns to the other Elves.<BR><BR>HALDIR: You stay here now, or you go to plison camp. You keep orcs from Lolien, that your job! I take Honoulable guests to Galadriel-san!<BR><BR>The three elves shrug and skip back to the borders of Lothlorien. HALDIR beckons the fellowship on. They come to a circle of trees from which are hanging several paper lanterns. The trees are cherries, laden with blossom. Aragorn clutches at his breast and falls to his knees.<BR><BR>ARAGORN: Oh, Cerin Amroth. Here ever was the heart of elvendom on middle earth. Here my heart is too. <BR><BR>Aragorn seems to speak to someone not present, gazing into the distance with a look of fond memory in his eyes. He calls out Arwen's name.<BR><BR>ARWEN: Vat is dis? I am already here, my luv.<BR><BR>ARAGORN: (startled) What, oh yes, so you are! (too himself) Damn, another quality moment lost!<BR><BR>HALDIR: (pointing) Honoulable Guests. Behold the castle of Lord Celeborn-san and Geisha Galadriel-san<BR><BR>They behold several large trees, between which rises a large japanese looking castle. Before it are several groups of black figures all shouting at each other and engaged in mock battles. There are several targets strung from the trees, and some of the figures are throwing small black star shaped things at them.<BR><BR>FRODO: (amazed) What is all that?<BR><BR>HALDIR: You behold tlaining camp of elite ninja elves. There you see sword fight. (points to a lone figure being attacked by several others. He decks them all.) There you see test of stlength. (points to several Elves breaking unfeasibly large blocks of wood by kicking, punching or by head butting them). There you see test of acculacy with ninja throwing death lembas. (he points to the ninja elves throwing death stars).<BR><BR>HALDIR: (to everyone) Come, you all in time for famous elvish tea celemony. <BR><BR>They all walk to the castle.<BR><BR>Hama-san<BR>
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Postby Coney » Wed Jun 07, 2000 12:28 pm

LOL!!! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><BR><BR>Hama-san: Great Cerin Amroth training camp! This is the part where Bruce Lee fights the guy with the prosthetic knife-fingered hand, right? (Oh, sorry, wrong movie.)<BR><BR>Just had to throw in a comment and keep this thread high on the list.<BR><BR>Anybody else want to take the next part?
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Postby Elmtree » Wed Jun 07, 2000 1:07 pm

If no one else takes it, I'll give the next part a try (she said nervously). I feel ill equipped to write amid such masters! If someone else is already working on it, email me and let me know. Otherwise, I'll try and post tonight.<BR><BR>Elm
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Postby Radagast » Wed Jun 07, 2000 3:03 pm

Hey, Elmtree, don't put yourself down. All it takes is a good imagination, some writing ability, and several good hits of the ol' against a wall to be like us! <BR><BR>You'll fit in just fine. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><BR><BR>(P.S. That was a compliment, I think...)<BR>
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