. I think we know he's not in the Murray Head song I'm referencing. Calma:
When you play at this level it's no ordinary venue. I can feel an angel sliding up to me ... Vana:
You've broached the marrow of topics. How have I been? Or even WHERE have I been?
Well. To address it generally, I can't be so Gandalf as to say "Wherever it is I've been, I'm back." though I may stop just short of that. Let's just say like Frodo and Aragorn I stared at that yawning abyss much longer and deeper and found worse things than balrogs. I found the true nature of myself. I've found hideous aftermath after years of a certain addiction of the mind. I'm living daily with self loathing, self depreciation, and a dragon's hoard of self doubt.
I've turned 40 and done zero with two college degrees (History and Creative Writing: English). I've risen to the Ravenshill of heights (not quite as glorious as King Under the Mountain) in my local transit agency employers ranks and I am bored out of my mind. I've paid off nearly 40 thousand dollars in loans and almost burst a blood vessel doing so. Mrs. Poet continues to have health issues. And I've written tons of poems I dislike doing and yearn to craft fiction though with little zeal to show for it.
And once, some time ago during my TORC absence, I nearly took my own life.
Writers are often troubled souls. TORC is too merry a place for broken ne'er do wells such as me. I would rather TORC go on being merry without my shadow to darken it. I'd like to think I'm emerging from the worst of it, so I've returned hoping for a reprieve from darkness in this merriest of forums.
I have tentative plans for the second half of my life but the baggage from the past is not so easily discarded. I'm like the sighing shadow of Saruman leaving his body after he was killed in the book. And I'm not sure if I believe in Heaven, Valinor, Valhalla, or any sort of chance at spiritual redemption any more.
So if this heavy bit of candidness (is that even a word) doesn't frighten off the best of you, then you are always all welcome here. I try to take it day by day. I try not to engage in bad old habits. And whether or not (like Galadriel) I "pass the test" there's no doubt that I shall remain Will.
Man, I used more LOTR euphemisms than I meant to. Sorry about that.