Comment and feedback thread for Brigands on the Beach

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Comment and feedback thread for Brigands on the Beach

Postby Rodia » Mon Sep 21, 2009 9:35 am

Ok so..yeah. Actual story thread is here. Comments welcome, but do mind what I said in the story thread- this isn't something that's gone through editing or that I meant to be read by anyone not already familiar with the character, so no complaining about that. :P
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Postby rwhen » Tue Sep 22, 2009 10:40 am

Count me in as another that will be following your story. So far I like it, tempting us to what will come. I like your imagery, very nice Ro Ro.

Keep up the great work my friend. :hug:
Love is as big or as little as a hug!!

vison! Alex!Rowanberry!OldToby

I will always treasure and remember your appreciation. Thank you. -2007 WCA's
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The Expected Party!! is now on the road to Gondor to celebrate. Join us.

And getting into trouble with Rally The Eldar.

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Vanadarlin', my SSOTH - 143 forever :hug:
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Postby Rodia » Tue Sep 22, 2009 12:32 pm

:oops:

I don't want to overadvertise... hype it all up and then you'll go 'Huh? That's it?'

But thanks. :)

I'm editing the next bit to make it TOS-friendly, there are a few grown-up words in there.
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Postby Rodia » Tue Sep 22, 2009 4:39 pm

A bit more up. I don't know, I'm very nervous about this story. I put a lot into it but I get the feeling I've missed the mark somewhere, and worst part is, I can see the mark far far away, getting smaller and smaller as I move further and further from it.
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Postby SilverScribe » Tue Sep 22, 2009 7:46 pm

Rodia wrote::oops:

I don't want to overadvertise... hype it all up and then you'll go 'Huh? That's it?'

But thanks. :)

I'm editing the next bit to make it TOS-friendly, there are a few grown-up words in there.


LOL, the usual trouble when writing off-TORC and then realizing that it needs a bit of santitizing if it makes it here. Been there, done that a bit myself. ;) :D

There's nothing wrong with a little hype, besides, I'm more than certain that Garia's backstory will live up to it. :D I'm looking forward to learning a whole lot more about that scruffy but adorable brigand.

:D:D:D
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Postby Frelga » Tue Sep 22, 2009 8:52 pm

Don't you trust me, Ro? I told you it was good. I told you SOMA will like it. Have I ever steered you wrong?

OK, but other than that? :whistle:
Impressive. Every word in that sentence was wrong.
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Postby Rodia » Wed Sep 23, 2009 3:50 am

You like me too much for me to trust you, Frelga. :wink:
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Postby Rodia » Wed Sep 23, 2009 7:01 am

Okay so now I'm addicted to editing my own story. Here's the next part. Get it while it's hot.

EDIT: Testing zone for naughty words....

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Postby rwhen » Wed Sep 23, 2009 2:44 pm

LOL "testing zone". Do I like you to much for you to trust me?


Again, you have me interested enough to keep reading. :D I don't know where you think you have missed the mark. The story is young yet, so there is room for additions, deletions or revisions.

:thumbsup:
Love is as big or as little as a hug!!

vison! Alex!Rowanberry!OldToby

I will always treasure and remember your appreciation. Thank you. -2007 WCA's
Overwhelmed by your support and appreciation. Thank you. - 2008 WCA's

The Expected Party!! is now on the road to Gondor to celebrate. Join us.

And getting into trouble with Rally The Eldar.

Time out of Mind, forever bound to my Knight Ayslhyn

Vanadarlin', my SSOTH - 143 forever :hug:
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Postby Rodia » Wed Sep 23, 2009 2:51 pm

I don't know, rwhen, I have a suspicion you do :P

Sorry about the testing zone but I really wasn't sure which words it would take and which it would mangle! I have a somewhat different take on appropriate language than TORC does, as you know. :P :P

I suppose Garia will just be saying 'bloody' and 'damn' a lot. :roll: :wink: Not that my story was particularly vulgar to begin with, but, you know, when writing brigands and soldiers and Manly Men With Swords you need to add a bit of spice sometimes. For flavour.

I'm glad you like it so far. I have to ration it, otherwise I'll end up with nothing to post far too quickly...
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Postby Bardhwyn » Thu Sep 24, 2009 9:48 am

Oooh, I like. More, please. :D
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Postby Rodia » Thu Sep 24, 2009 9:52 am

Really?

Okay. More coming up right this minute.

Would be nice to know, though, if it's beyond silly or cheesy. I mean, I know I'm playing coy but I can take a bit of criticism.
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Postby Bardhwyn » Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:31 am

It is not silly, nor is it cheesy.

It is good prose. You create a lovely scene with fluid and realistic imagery.

For someone who writing in what is your SECOND language, I am in awe. Always have been.

I have a suggestion: Consider this exercise- try reading your character's dialogue aloud, as if you were acting it - say in an audition (Here, read this part!)

In reading aloud, listen with as much of a conversational ear as you can. Do the words flow? Can they be spoken? Do they work together ( taking into account the character's traits, etc) or does the tongue get tied up. Do the words fully communicate enough what you the writer want to convey through that character's voice?

I do this and I find it really, really helps me shape the dialogue. :)
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Postby Rodia » Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:48 am

Bardhwyn wrote:
For someone who writing in what is your SECOND language


Third, actually. :P My second language is French.

Thanks, Bardy, I really do appreciate that. As to dialogue, I never write a word before acting it out first. Might be proof that I can't act, but...the problem with this is that sometimes, I think, you have to forego natural speech for the sake of a better read. I was always surprised at how Tolkien could go seamlessly from a casual conversation into monstrous paragraphs that read more like a book within the book. No one speaks like that, and yet when you read it, you don't mind.

Of course this isn't the kind of prose I'm attempting, but I don't want to put every 'Ummm' and 'Uh' and casual stutter in there, even if they would sound natural...
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Postby Bardhwyn » Thu Sep 24, 2009 12:57 pm

Third? I didn't realize. I am in even more awe.

I think we're touching on 'the level of diction' and yes, I agree, Tolkien achieved a number of different levels of diction and all impeccably. Some would say most if not all were archaic but like you, I think they work, and will work for ages to come and I love it. Him being a linguistics scholar must have been a factor.

So, when I suggest using a conversational ear, I really mean to say use the conversational ear for that level of diction, and yes, you're right, leaving out the ums and ahs, unless relevant to the character, of course.

I personally think that a coherent level of diction will make for a good read, all the time, every time because we will , I think, more or less hear in the mind's ear as we read and if what we 'hear' is disjointed, lacks a flow, it will jar the reader even more than a grammatically poor sentence. Thats just mho.

So... does Garia get scorched??

:)
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Postby Rodia » Thu Sep 24, 2009 1:00 pm

What, you want the next bit already? I'll soon have caught up to where I haven't written anything yet! :shock:

Taking note of the newly learned term...'level of diction'. :D
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Postby rwhen » Thu Sep 24, 2009 2:32 pm

Don't either!! :P

Hey, so I love it when our hero's have these little missteps, showing that in the end we are all human and none of us do everything right the first time. It was something I had to learn early on in writing. After about six months, I read all my "schtufff" and realized that they were too super human or elf or whatever and started adding some trips or missed targets and such. To me it made the characters much more believable.

So good on you, of course now I want to know how he comes out of THIS. :D

Keep it up!! Miss, I speak three languages thank you!! ;)
Love is as big or as little as a hug!!

vison! Alex!Rowanberry!OldToby

I will always treasure and remember your appreciation. Thank you. -2007 WCA's
Overwhelmed by your support and appreciation. Thank you. - 2008 WCA's

The Expected Party!! is now on the road to Gondor to celebrate. Join us.

And getting into trouble with Rally The Eldar.

Time out of Mind, forever bound to my Knight Ayslhyn

Vanadarlin', my SSOTH - 143 forever :hug:
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Postby Bardhwyn » Thu Sep 24, 2009 2:41 pm

rwhen wrote: Miss, I speak three languages thank you!! ;)


I am in awe, truly. :)
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Postby Rodia » Thu Sep 24, 2009 2:44 pm

Four, actually, and I'm learning a fifth. :P

Garia was my non-hero character. I was never any good at writing epic swordsmen with legendary skills and significant pasts. The world needs them just as much as anyone, but I just don't know how to cope with them. Garia...he's just a dude. He does a lot of stupid things, he brags too much, he's impulsive, he's got a sensitive side that usually turns awkward. He can ride, he can fight, he can do all the things a man in Middle Earth would need to do, but he's never going to be a famous warrior, unless some bard somewhere gets names horribly mixed up. ;)
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Postby Rodia » Thu Sep 24, 2009 3:03 pm

Okay, because I love you all so much, here's another 'chapter' up. :P Not much substance to this story so far, I'm afraid.
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Postby rwhen » Thu Sep 24, 2009 3:22 pm

So does our boy get lucky, or what?

Bardy, I am with you. I have trouble with my one language, so I am doubly impressed with anyone who can speak and write another language much less three. Then again, I always have seen myself as somewhat of a smart arse and can't help the jibs to my dearest grasshopper.

You have come so far from our days at Neverwinter, Rodia. All good, great even.
Love is as big or as little as a hug!!

vison! Alex!Rowanberry!OldToby

I will always treasure and remember your appreciation. Thank you. -2007 WCA's
Overwhelmed by your support and appreciation. Thank you. - 2008 WCA's

The Expected Party!! is now on the road to Gondor to celebrate. Join us.

And getting into trouble with Rally The Eldar.

Time out of Mind, forever bound to my Knight Ayslhyn

Vanadarlin', my SSOTH - 143 forever :hug:
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Postby Rodia » Thu Sep 24, 2009 3:26 pm

Oi, don't even remind me of the rubbish I wrote in Neverwinter (and I'm not being cute this time, seriously, don't remind me. :oops: )

The biggest reason this story has taken me so long to write is that I couldn't decide if he gets lucky or not. :P What do you think?
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Postby rwhen » Thu Sep 24, 2009 3:31 pm

I will let you make that decision, but for me, lucky is well LUCKY and good at any time. :D

Don't worry, do you think I want to review that cack? ;)

I have to edit that. Foolish just might read this and think that I mean it towards her/him/it :P Foolish was brilliant there and anywhere she has written. Also a few others really had some good talent on that thread.
Love is as big or as little as a hug!!

vison! Alex!Rowanberry!OldToby

I will always treasure and remember your appreciation. Thank you. -2007 WCA's
Overwhelmed by your support and appreciation. Thank you. - 2008 WCA's

The Expected Party!! is now on the road to Gondor to celebrate. Join us.

And getting into trouble with Rally The Eldar.

Time out of Mind, forever bound to my Knight Ayslhyn

Vanadarlin', my SSOTH - 143 forever :hug:
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Postby Rodia » Fri Sep 25, 2009 3:16 am

Oh, it was a great thread, I didn't mean it that way! You wrote some awesome stuff in it yourself, rwhen, after all you RAN the bloody thing. Not an easy feat (I know, I've tried). I'd just rather not revisit my own exploits in that particular story, if you know what I mean. :oops:
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Postby rwhen » Mon Sep 28, 2009 11:57 am

I think you are being too hard on yourself my friend. I really do. Many of us were just starting out RP and some were certainly better than others. But ya gotta start somewhere, right? :D

Now. When do we get the next offering? Hmmmmmmm?
Love is as big or as little as a hug!!

vison! Alex!Rowanberry!OldToby

I will always treasure and remember your appreciation. Thank you. -2007 WCA's
Overwhelmed by your support and appreciation. Thank you. - 2008 WCA's

The Expected Party!! is now on the road to Gondor to celebrate. Join us.

And getting into trouble with Rally The Eldar.

Time out of Mind, forever bound to my Knight Ayslhyn

Vanadarlin', my SSOTH - 143 forever :hug:
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Postby Rodia » Mon Sep 28, 2009 2:08 pm

Rwhen, you sneaky thing...you knew I was having a horrible day and I needed someone to make me feel better - and yes, asking for more of the story works. Few things do, but this definitely works.

Posting right this instant.
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Postby Rodia » Mon Sep 28, 2009 2:12 pm

Ok I posted...this part doesn't seem to make too much sense, but hey, it's just a story. Suspend your disbelief and forget about the details of Middle Earth geography and history for a moment. :P
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Postby Bardhwyn » Mon Sep 28, 2009 2:21 pm

:shock:

Ok, I'm hooked.

WHAT HAPPENS!!???
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Postby Rodia » Mon Sep 28, 2009 2:23 pm

Well...we come up to the part I haven't finished yet. :P You might have to wait a couple of days.
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Postby Bardhwyn » Mon Sep 28, 2009 2:25 pm

harumph...

ok. I'll be patient.

But I think I see how Garia get's his intense dislike of TRAITORS!

*cough*
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