Short Poem

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Postby Allowen » Fri Jun 01, 2001 6:36 pm

TAKE A MOMENT<BR><BR>Take a moment to weep for the past,<BR>Stop a minute to mourn for lost opportunities.<BR>Stay awhile to remember great things that will never be again,<BR>Then move on and rejoice for the future.
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Postby Glooskap » Sun Jun 03, 2001 9:43 am

Good idea! Nice concept!<BR>Try to say it in less words. Poetry has been described as "the best words in the best order". Try to reduce what you have written to make it more precise, powerful. Try shortening it by five words (either by taking them out or condensing images by finding one powerful word to take the place of several very general ones). I'd suggest 10 words out but I get the feeling you're new at this.<BR><BR>Here's an example of very condensed and powerful teen writing that was edited down this way to gain precision and concentrate the message:<BR><BR>Know-How<BR>by lindsay zwicker<BR><BR>I don't know<BR>How to right<BR>So many wrongs<BR>So I write<BR>Even though it's wrong<BR>Because I should be<BR>Stronger than<BR>These words.
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Postby fpshimmer » Sun Jun 03, 2001 2:13 pm

Allowen, very nice! I think it was a lovely poem! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0> Not that it would be the worst thing in the world to shorten it, but it was truly beautiful!
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Postby Allowen » Wed Jun 06, 2001 2:28 pm

Thanks, and I'll take your advice Glooskap, I'm going to take a lot off the third line. Maybe I'll make it, "Stay awhile to remember forgotten wonders"
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Postby Allowen » Wed Jun 06, 2001 2:28 pm

Thanks, and I'll take your advice Glooskap, I'm going to take a lot off the third line. Maybe I'll make it, "Stay awhile to remember forgotten wonders"
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Postby Glooskap » Wed Jun 06, 2001 6:16 pm

Allowen;<BR>One of the best ways to make your poems interesting is to make them specific. By this I mean, get them from real events, not just ideas in your head. Real experience that has happened to you is, of course, better than just reading about something, but either or both will do. Take a look at these by two students in our Writers Circle. Mike's poem is based on readings he, as a young Jew, had done on Crystal Night in Germany. Lindsay's was based on a meeting with a female veteran of World War II whose husband had been killed and buried in Norway. Let me know if you see what I mean about real experience vs vicarious:<BR><BR>Glass (Die Nacht ist Gekommen)<BR>Michael Kimber<BR><BR>Pandora’s box opened with a key made of blood soaked glass<BR>The hand that breaks begins to create <BR>A broken creation of a crystal nation<BR>Victims charged as criminals<BR>Staged uproar leads to planned response<BR>Old wrinkled men cattle branded and <BR>the voice of the just spoke responding<BR>to protect the innocent Germans from <BR>the Zionist conspiracy.<BR><BR> <BR>MARGUERITE <BR>Lindsay Zwicker<BR><BR>she looks out the window <BR>at the graveyard across the street <BR>the bodies of so many loved ones <BR>other people's loved ones <BR>she talks of the graveyard <BR>across the Atlantic <BR>the one she has never seen <BR>which contains the body of a man <BR>her man <BR>her loved one <BR>she will not cry about <BR>how unfair this is <BR>that there is a graveyard across the street <BR>she can stare at through the glass <BR>and a graveyard across the ocean <BR>she will never see. <BR><BR>ONE of these poems has appeared on national radio here in Canada and may have got us funding to take some teen artists and poets to Europe next May. Which one do you think? <BR><BR>
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Postby Allowen » Sun Jun 10, 2001 3:19 pm

Thanks, i like them.
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