And it became the truth. DONE +some

Writing is a passion many people experience after reading Tolkien's works. Come here to discuss and share your experiences with writing.

Postby Frelga » Tue Jun 22, 2004 9:43 am

Lingua, Tiger, Luthy - thanks again. And again. And again.

Lingua, I will fix the error. I need to find me a good grammar book. English just has too many durned tenses for my poor brain to handle. :lol:

Tiger, no need to fear for me. :) I am paranoind about keeping backups and copies of everything I write. While about five printed pages of the story have gone into the recycling bin (after I let my son scribble on the blank side), I have my Word document set to track versions back to day one. And when I edit, I use track changes feature. For some reason, when I see that page all marked in red and green, it makes me feel that I'm doing my job.

Another great tool, by the way, is Yahoo's briefcase. I keep a current copy of my story there, so if my computer dies, or I am struck by inspiration while visiting my in-laws, I can get to it. I also use Yahoo's Notepad for quick drafts of the story, and for research notes.

Lingua, I haven't thought about Radesh facing rejection in quite that way, but of course you are right. With every revision, I had to be careful that I don't take the easy way out and have him be indifferent to Tamiko's refusal. I am yet to meet a guy who was capable of comprehending that a female, any female, could possibly resist their charm. :wink:

Anyway, now I am really stuck. Which is funny, because I know exactly what I need to write. I just can't put a single word down.

Thanks for sticking with me, everybody, your comments have made this project a lot more fun.
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Postby GwenElf » Wed Jun 23, 2004 6:21 pm

Anyway, now I am really stuck. Which is funny, because I know exactly what I need to write. I just can't put a single word down.

Join the club!! *Shakes Frelga's hand.* I am in the same position right now...annoying, isn't it? :roll:

:oops: Oh, hi, I'm Sil, by the way. Luthy told me about your story and I decided I had to come and take a look for myself. I love it so far!! I must say, I don't ever write in first person (I much prefer being the all-knowing narrator--bwahah), but you are doing a great job of it! I haven't found anything your other editors haven't already pointed out--mostly little grammatical errors. Looking forward to more!

~Sil
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Postby Frelga » Fri Jun 25, 2004 12:28 pm

Hi, Sil, pleasure to meet you!

I thought I had a good reason for writing this in first person, but of course now I have much better respect for all the complications.

I did manage to get unstuck enough to scetch out another page, and I have a rough draft for the start of the next scene. So, there's hope for this story. I'll see how much time for writing I get over the weekend. I hope your projects progress, too.

And I got a book on grammar. Reading it, dangling participles are not a threat. :D

* chocolates *
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Postby luthienelflover » Tue Jun 29, 2004 11:08 am

I did manage to get unstuck enough to scetch out another page, and I have a rough draft for the start of the next scene.

Excellent, can't wait to read it! :)

My problem when it comes to writer's block is less that I can't get words down than I just can't get ideas. My mind goes completely blank and anything I do think of is completely unoriginal. I've had a pretty terrible case for about ten months now :roll: but I think I'm finally breaking it! :D

Hi Sil!

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Postby Frelga » Fri Jul 02, 2004 12:32 pm

Woo-hoo, I'm so excited. I got my rough draft almost to the end of the story (need about two more pages in the middle).

After that, it's edit, revise and edit some more. :pull: (just looking for an excuse to use the new smiley), so it probably will be at least a week before I am ready to post anything. But at last I can say that I got one story from start all the way through the end! There isn't a smiley here to describe how happy I am. [/rambling]

luthienelflover wrote:My problem when it comes to writer's block is less that I can't get words down than I just can't get ideas. My mind goes completely blank and anything I do think of is completely unoriginal.


Hmm, why does that sound so familiar? :wink:

Actually, in a way that's part of what made me come up with this story. I was playing this mental game where you take the stock situation and change one thing so that it is completely opposite. You know, a beautiful heroine is being forced into marriage with the most undesirable suitor imaginable, who nonetheless pursues her relentlessly. So I thought, "Hey, what if the man she is supposed to marry, but doesn't want to, is the good guy?" and that was Radesh.

I am rambling again, but I just feel so light-headed with joy that I am actually going to see this through! If anyone got this far, I thank you for listening.

* chocolates *
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Postby GwenElf » Fri Jul 02, 2004 2:52 pm

I got to the end!! ...all the way to * chocolates * and then I had to leave my computer for a moment to find the Twix bars. :D

My problem when it comes to writer's block is less that I can't get words down than I just can't get ideas. My mind goes completely blank and anything I do think of is completely unoriginal.


I have that problem..hence I wish my story's plot were more interesting. :roll: The best thing that happened to that story was a friend's comment about a song in choir: "This song makes me want to fly." Got a really neat character out of that... so listen to your friends. :D

I was playing this mental game where you take the stock situation and change one thing so that it is completely opposite.


That's a really cool idea! And you got a very interesting story out of it, so we know it works! :)

~Sil
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Postby luthienelflover » Tue Jul 06, 2004 4:24 pm

I get ideas by trying to apply things that happen to me in real life to my basic worlds or basic storylines. I take it and I say "hmmm, how could I make this work in this other world?" or "hmmm, how could this advance my storyline?" and I have to do all sorts of wacky things to it to make it work, and then it's something entirely different than what I started with, and it's interesting! But it only works when I'm not blocked :roll:

Thank you for the chocolate :D

Luthy
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Postby laurelin_elise » Thu Jul 08, 2004 10:11 pm

Frelga this is great! You have such wonderful talent. I can't wait till you get more! :)
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Postby The_Fool » Wed Jul 14, 2004 10:25 pm

Fregla, what can I say that hasn't allready been said? :D

Very well crafted, the flow of your writing is delicious. It eases along, and makes for very enjoyable reading. Like others have said, there are a few grammatical errors, but you barely notice them, the story is so intruiging.

I have to say, what I love the most about your story, is you distinctions between male and female characters. Your grasp on them both is breathtaking. It's the little things, the young men "pretending" to listen to Givi's songs, Radesh's anger at Tamiko's refusal to love him. Tamiko's strength and resolve, her commitment to her family, yet her refusal to marry for anything other than love.

Your imagery is breathtaking. What I enjoy about it is the fact that it's understated, yet I can picture every detail of the surrounding landscape, the dirt, the snow, the trees, the rocks, the clothing, the people. You can practically taste that cold air. Yet nowhere are your descriptions tedious, or overbearing.

I am now eagerly awaiting the next installment :D Bravo. You're creating and breathing magic into this.
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Postby Cerridwen » Thu Jul 15, 2004 2:25 pm

I echo the gallant Facade. I would not shower you with unwarranted praise, and I do not wish you to think that it is unwarranted praise, but I for the moment am half-sick of being an editor and will scratch in some manner of objectivity at a later date. Meanwhile, keep flexing that silver pen of yours.

Love,
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Postby luthienelflover » Thu Jul 15, 2004 6:46 pm

Oh, Hullo, Facade and Cerri :D

Frelga -- *Whines* When are you going to post the next paaaaaaaart? If I whiiiiiine, will you do it soooooooooooooner? :P

Luthy
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Postby Frelga » Thu Jul 15, 2004 7:32 pm

laurelin_elise, Facade, Cerri - thank you so very much for leaving a comment! The best part of writing this was meeting wonderful people like you.

* liquor-filled chocolates all around *

Luthy - RSN (real soon now). :wink: I am putting last bits of spiff and polish on it. I have it all written out, but it needed to age a bit.

Edit: if I get any computer time tonight, I will post an upate.
[Rant] :bang: I was up until midnight yesterday struggling with a single flutterin' sentence of - what else - description. In total frustration, I got out a book that had several passages similar to what I was trying to do, just to see how it was done. But that was a novel, so the description went on for like three paragraphs, and I only had room for a single sentence. Not that I was going to copy from the book, I just hoped for some inspiration. In the end, I rearranged half a page, threw out two paragraphs that I actually liked quite a bit, and still I don't think I've got it. And there was no chocolate in the house. :cry: [/Rant]
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Postby GwenElf » Sat Jul 17, 2004 12:03 pm

A single sentence? :shock: Wow... I wish my writing was that good....good to the point where a single sentence would drive me mad. *Is now depressed*

*Chocolates* for Frelga in hopes that soon we will be able to read more! :)

~Sil
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Postby The_Fool » Sat Jul 17, 2004 5:41 pm

Cerri, I'm gallant now? :D And a hello to Luthy as well :D

Fregla, I know exactly how you feel. I spend hours sometimes, just staring at my work trying to urge inspiration to come. Most of the time if I get in a real rut I take the dog out for a long walk on the beach and simply stop thinking about anything. It usually works, by the time I'm a few blocks from home I've started writing it in my head :wink:

I also always write with paper and pen first. I don't know why, it's just what I have to do. There's something about spelling it out in my own handwriting that makes the story flow that little bit better for me. And more often than not, when I type it up, I'll add in little pieces here and there that make it that much better :D

A great mound of my best friend's homemade truffles for you Fregla, in the hope that you'll be posting soon.
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Postby luthienelflover » Sat Jul 17, 2004 7:34 pm

* liquor-filled chocolates all around *

OK, how come I didn't get any of those when I first came? ;) I see how it is! :D:D

Facade -- I actually do much better if I type it. If I have to write it out, it somehow makes it much more difficult for me to think. That's very interesting :)

I don't have any fancy truffles or anything for you Frelga, but I'm sending you a whole Chocolate Mousse Cake -- most delicious chocolate cake I've ever tasted :D

Luthy
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Postby Frelga » Sat Jul 17, 2004 10:49 pm

Sil, it's not that the writing was good, it's that the one sentence was bad. And I never did get it to do what I wanted.
Sit, sentence. Sit! Sit, I said. Bad sentence, bad. * goes crazy *

Facade, I tried to write in longhand, hoping that it will stop me from revising too much. But it doesn't seem to work for me.

Luthy, please don't be sad. You see, the chocolates I emailed you are a special universal chocolate type that instantly assume any flavor and filling according to your preference. But here's a box of liquor filled chocolates for you.

Thank you all for the chocolates, they did the trick. That and Droste Extra-Dark 72% Cocoa Pastilles that DH picked up for me at the store. :)
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Postby Frelga » Sat Jul 17, 2004 10:55 pm

“I am here,” I called into the fog. “Are you hurt?”

“No, no, all is well. Do not rush.”

I did not rush, but I did not linger either. What else could I do but leave when Tamiko said “go” and return when she called? I stepped out of sunshine and into the murky whiteness.

The fog thinned out by then, but I still had to move more by feel than by sight. Before long I could see Tamiko ahead of me, a dark shape that grew clearer as I approached. She was kneeling on the trail, looking at something on the ground. Hearing me, she turned and lifted her head, placing a light hand against the rock wall in a graceful, alert pose.

I could only guess at Tamiko’s expression, veiled as she was by the fog, but her voice carried a clear ring of disapproval.

“Didn’t this come from your village? I can see why you expected me come to grief up here, when your neighbors leave their things in my way.”

She pointed at a solid, grayish bundle behind her. For one moment, I thought it was a body. But no, it was only a parcel, cloth-wrapped and rope-bound, such as are used to carry goods up the trails. On the soggy cloth, an outline of a bear was scrawled with black paint.

“That belongs to Ovrul. He went down with his sons some months ago,” I said, remembering my neighbor Inzali as she stood in the rain, watching the road with anxious eyes. Ovrul was her husband. “When I left yesterday morning, they still had not returned.”

“You must have missed them on your way to Gingush.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think I could have.” The cold fog seemed to seep under my bourka, reaching to the skin. I saw that the ropes that bound the package had slipped at one corner, and the edge of the wrapping waved feebly in the wind. Leaning over Tamiko’s shoulder, I pulled at the wraps. Inside were some rolls of thin bright cloth, all wet through, soaked not by fog but by rain. The rain that stopped two days ago.

I looked up. The trail and the rock disappeared into the fog, but I could make out a dark shape of the cliff that loomed high above the path. “It must have fallen from up there.”

“Why didn’t they pick it up, then?” Tamiko demanded crossly.

On a bright, clear day, I would have been able to think of any number of reasons. Just then, with the fog thrown over my head like a sack, I could only think of one. They didn’t pick it up because they could not, because something happened up there at the cliff and they never made it down. That thought must have occurred to Tamiko, as well, because she stood up in one easy motion and looked around.

“Let’s get back out into the sun,” I said, and this time she did not try to argue.

***

Back at the sunlit outcrop, I sat down on a warm rock and tried to think. There was no longer any question of turning back. I had to find out what happened to my neighbors. Apart from an avalanche or a rock slide, few things could stop three men from following the trail home, and I saw no traces of either. Whatever it was, it would be easier for me to deal with it alone and not worry about a girl’s safety.

“Tamiko,” I began gingerly as she sat down a few steps away, “will you not go back now? There may be trouble up there, and help may be needed.”

“Oh, you will have help. You said Behoe would follow me, and my kin should not be far behind. What more help do you want?” She laughed at her own words, a sad, hopeless sort of laugh. When she spoke again, her voice was level. “You can come with me, if you wish, and see what we may find. If there is need, I will go back for help.”

“What if there is danger?” I knew my words were futile, but they had to be said.

“Then so be it. Can you see, Radesh, can you even imagine what my life would be like if I went home now?”

I could not, but I heard tears ring in her voice. Startled, I looked Tamiko in the face for the first time, and was caught. Why must beauty pierce the heart with such sweet, cool pain? What a sorry loss it was to me, her refusal.

“Why, Tamiko?” I asked without thinking. She was silent. The wind pulled thin strands of mist between us, and played with the fringes of the flowered shawl that framed her face. What answer did I expect? I looked down, and tried to keep my thoughts on the things that must be done and away from what could never be.
Last edited by Frelga on Tue Oct 12, 2004 4:49 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Postby GwenElf » Sun Jul 18, 2004 12:04 pm

Yay, more story!! :) Very good, and once again we are left in suspense. :bang: :D I loved the way you talked about the fog/mist in various places, especially about the "fog thrown over my head like a sack".

Only found a few grammatical things. I italicized the changed word: “When I left yesterday morning, they still had not returned.”
On a bright, clear day, I would have been able to think of any number of reasons.
I had to find out what happened to my neighbors. I can't decide if there should be another 'had' before 'happened.' *Shrug* It works the way you have it, though. :)

That's about it. Poor Radesh. :) He needs a hug. :grouphug: for Radesh, and *chocolates* for Frelga!!

~Sil
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Postby luthienelflover » Sun Jul 18, 2004 4:07 pm

Oh, a whole box just for me? I wasn't fishing for that, nope, not at all :D:D:D:D:D:D

I really liked this part -- the atmosphere was so real. And as Sil said we are once again left in suspense! :bang:

And if the sentence you were struggling with was in this part, I couldn't find it :)

Can't wait for the next part :)

*Emails Frelga chocolates to help with the action sequence*

Luthy
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Postby Frelga » Sun Jul 18, 2004 11:35 pm

Sil, thanks so much for pointing out my errors. I can't get along with the past perferct tense, I just can't. :pull:

Luthy, thanks for chocolates. :) 'Tis a wonderful substance. The sentence I was whining about was this one: Hearing me, she turned and lifted her head, placing a light hand against the rock wall in a graceful, alert pose. Or at least it's the current incarnation. :roll:

* chocolates *
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Postby The_Fool » Mon Jul 19, 2004 1:44 am

Ahhhhhhhhhhh *Smiles and is content*

THAT, dear Fregla, was exactly what I needed at the end of what has been a terribly chaotic day :D :D :D

Once again, I commend the easy flow of your writing, it makes your work nothing but a joy to read :)

Looking forward to the next post!
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Postby luthienelflover » Mon Jul 19, 2004 4:26 pm

Frelga, I think the sentence works fine -- I could really see her.

:) Luthy
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Postby GwenElf » Tue Jul 20, 2004 11:52 am

I liked it, too! I remember reading that sentence and going, that's really cool, I can really picture her. :) I think it works.

*more chocolates*

~Sil
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Postby luthienelflover » Wed Jul 21, 2004 12:03 pm

I'd send you more chocolates, Frelga, but I don't hae any right now :'(:'( and I'm deprived! :'(

;)

Luthy
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Postby Frelga » Thu Jul 22, 2004 12:29 pm

Luthy, out of chocolates?! :shock: That box of liquor-filled ones went pretty fast, didn't it? Here's another box for you, but be careful. The liquor is full strength. :)

Sil, just saw your lovely piece over at the Writer's Cafe (I lurk). It's really neat the way you took a single event and made it a focus of an entire life. And you make the first person narrative work beautifully.

Thank you both for commenting on that stupid sentence I am obsessing with. It's not like it's the only problem with the last post. :roll: I am not touching it again, though, until I have edited and posted the rest of it. Which *cough* I haven't really started doing. :oops:

Edit: I meant to ask you, what do you think of this opening for a story:
Frelga wrote:I knew that my friend would give up his life for me. But my debt goes deeper than that. To protect me, my friend gave up his own death.
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Postby GwenElf » Thu Jul 22, 2004 12:45 pm

That is a cooool opening! Three sentences and I would gladly read on! :) Is this something you're going to write, or are currently writing? I'd love to see what it's all about.

Thanks, Frelga. :oops: It was my first short story and first first person, as well. I just had to get that first sentence out of me head. :D

*emails chocolates to Luthy, as well* Sorry, but they are liquor-free. ;)

~Sil
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Postby luthienelflover » Thu Jul 22, 2004 3:19 pm

Pfff, Sil, when will you learn? The liquor-filled ones are the best :roll: :D:D:D

Thanks, Frelga :D:D:D I love that opening -- like Sil said, it really draws you in -- I'd gladly keep reading.

You don't get to see the best part about that short story of Sil's, which is the font she wrote it in :D

I've written several short stories, but only one in first person that actually worked. And I think I lost half of it (I only typed the first half, and I think I've lost the papers it was written on -- *sigh*!!!)

Luthy :)
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Postby Lady_Haleth » Thu Aug 05, 2004 5:45 pm

Its amazing!!!:D I really liked this last one a lot!!:D It had a perfect balance between talking, action, and description! I can picture everything in my head so clearly. You have inspired me to start writing again actually! :)
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Postby Frelga » Mon Aug 16, 2004 8:29 am

Part 7

We went on as soon as the fog cleared enough for us to see more than three steps ahead. The mist became thinner, golden light reached through and dissolved in it, and at last we climbed up to the clear air. Below us, steaming whiteness was spread under the sky that was empty of even a trace of cloud. Far above, an icy peak sparkled in the sun – Mkinvary, the watch tower in the frozen wall of Gergeti glacier.

The sun was far too high for my liking, considering how far we still had to go before any chance of shelter. We got a respite from the beating rays when the trail dropped into a deep, flat-bottomed hollow. There, a few cupfuls of sweet rainwater waited in a stone bowl. I called for a stop, having noticed for the first time how short Tamiko breath had become, and how flushed her face was, with two bright red spots on her cheeks. But she was restless and would not sit down for more than a few moments. So on we went, up the steep stone stairs to the sun-heated rocky trail.

I stopped at the top of the stairs to take off my burka and fasten it in a roll across one shoulder. Somewhere behind us, there was a rustling of small stones tumbling down the slope. A goat, I thought. I didn’t have my bow and this was not the time to hunt, so I didn’t bother turning around to look. But Tamiko did turn. I heard a short, low wail, as if she were trying to scream while the air rushed into her throat. Spinning around, I reached over the shoulder for my sword.

It was still a good way up but coming straight at us; an oversized shape like an ill-formed man. I knew what it was, from the stories told on winter nights by old men, from the nightmares that haunted my boyhood, when I spent my days pretending to fight it. I could see what happened to my neighbor. I saw what my own fate would be. Nobody, not anyone ever had defeated a veshapi with only a sword.

It moved so fast, upright on its crooked legs. We could not hope to outrun it. Not both of us. I grabbed Tamiko’s arm, and pushed her behind me and away, up the trail. “Run!” I cried. Then I ran too, back down into the hollow, sliding on my heels.

Behind me, the trail was narrow and the rock-wall too steep even for a veshapi to climb down. I stood, holding my sword, the silver-hilted gift from Lykhnasta, and waited. With a shower of pebbles, it came. My eyes were level with its wide chest; its front was thick slabs of muscle under stringy fur. Its face was terrible, a flattened muzzle, four fangs sticking up and down, a low boulder of a brow and deep under it – round eyes that would look human if they held any shade of thought or feeling. It advanced with an unhurried certainty, making a wheezing noise with each step, like blizzard over ice.

Courage failed me and I was ready to turn and clamber up the stairs, out, away. I would die before I took two steps, killed from behind like a scurrying mouse. Pride, stronger than fear, held me in place and drove me to slash at the advancing claws. With sudden speed, it pulled back and reached again, faster.

So the game began. Its arms were so long, I could not get close enough to wound it. Time and again I aimed at its hands and just managed to keep away the claws. Sweat poured down my face, and each ragged breath was poisoned with veshapi’s scent, as of dried blood. I could only dodge and swing my futile blade, and hope to stand long enough for Tamiko to get away.

And then it tired of playing. A blow came with a crushing strength and speed. I met it with the sword’s edge against the sinew-bound wrist. Blood spurted, purple like rotten grapes. The blade bit through hide and muscle and sprang back on hitting the bone, flying out of my hand like a slippery fish.

Its paw caught me, and the claws ripped through my burka, where it was rolled up across my chest. The blow lifted me off my feet and threw me hard against the rocks. Air went out of my chest and would not go back in. Was that all, I thought, would that pitiful scratch be my only mark?

With a dull thud, a large rock hit the veshapi’s scull and bounced off. The beast swayed a little and with a bellow it turned to where a tall figure stood at the far side of the hollow. Behoe.

Another rock whistled through the air, smashing into the hairy back. It didn’t seem to damage the beast, but it gave me time to catch my breath. Air cut down my throat like a double-edged sword. With breath, hope returned. Behoe and I, were we not the two mightiest men under the Three Mountains? Together...

With another roar, the veshapi charged at Behoe across the hollow. I rolled to reach my sword, and got up to my feet. A boulder, as large as any I could lift, hurtled at the vehsapi’s low brow, missing by a handspan, and another followed, hitting its target. Before the beast could recover, I caught up with it from behind, sweeping the sword like a scythe against its knee.

It struck back faster than I could free the sword. All I could do was throw my left arm up to protect my face. I heard the claws tear through my arm and shoulder. This should hurt, I thought as I fell, dragging my sword with me.

The veshapi was free to finish me then. But it went back at Behoe, wobbling on the wounded knee, its spine bent like a bow, the head kept erect. A hail of rocks failed to stop it. As I struggled to my feet, I saw Behoe draw his sword and leap down to meet the veshapi.

“Stay up there!” I tried to shout, but I had no breath. My left arm would not move, and I could not quite hold myself straight. I was too slow. Behoe got one stroke in, before the claws ripped through him. Blood welled up from head to waist and he crumpled to the ground.

My second slash was weaker than the first, but it sufficed to draw the veshapi from Behoe’s body and make it turn on me. It was enraged now, roaring hoarsely. I found myself beyond the reach of pain or fear, driven by cruel rage to slice and damage as much as I could before the beast brought me down. Still it pressed on. Step by step, I retreated across the hollow, and it limped after me. At last my back was against the stone stairs and the beast towered over me.

An arrow whistled over my head and went deep into the veshapi’s eye. The beast’s roar rose to a grating shriek, like a giant sword driven into the rock. Another arrow grazed the thick scull, but the job was done. The veshapi staggered and fell on the wounded knee, and its face was level with mine. With all the strength in my right arm and my legs, and with all my weight I drove the hill-forged blade against its throat. That sword could cut through the smith’s tongs; it sliced the thick skin, and found the vein that held the beast’s lifeblood, and hit the spine. There it stuck and the evil blood frothed over it.

I don’t know whether the veshapi fell before I did, or if it knocked me down again in its blind thrashing. The rocks trembled under me as I tried to move away from the flailing arms. I slumped against the rocks, and folded around my bleeding arm, and waited until the beast’s last strength was spent. At last the great veshapi, terror of the passes, lay still at my feet, with my sword in its throat and an arrow buried in its eye. I knew those white feathers, stained with purple blood though they were.

At the top of the stone staircase Tamiko stood, straight and slender like her own arrow against the clear sky, her bow still bent and ready. I tried to rise but fell back. My battle rage trickled away with the blood that soaked my left side, and the pain was now free to tear through me. I bit off a cry and watched Tamiko. She ran down the trail, light as a leaf on a brook, and rushed past me to Behoe’s side.
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Frelga
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Postby luthienelflover » Mon Aug 16, 2004 10:00 am

This was the action sequence you were having so much trouble with? I think it turned out quite admirably. I love the description of Tamiko at the end, also. I really enjoyed the whole thing. You had just the right balance of description and action, I think, and you really let us get into his head. :)

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