My poems, please tell me what you think

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My poems, please tell me what you think

Postby Taramire » Mon Feb 20, 2006 1:42 pm

Here is the link to my simple poetic blog http://www.homeschoolalumni.org/weblog.php?w=356. Undomile, Elessar is in the Reading Room, but the rest aren't Tolkien. I would really like some feed back. If my meaning is unclear in my poems please ask me to explane myself and give me some advise on how to make my writing more clear.
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Postby A_Simple_Poet » Mon Feb 20, 2006 3:18 pm

Alright, I read them each twice.

I liked Undomiel, Elessar the most with regard to the essence of the poetry. I feel that it has a Tolkien-esque quality about it, insofar as it might be a song the Elves would sing and the Professor himself might have written (try translating it into Elvish...that might be impressive). I liked how you kept it in couplets. It moved smoothly and profound at the same time.

Frozen in Time is interesting, the most interesting of the bunch I though with regard to theme, but I didn't like how each line ended the same. And I don't mean to insult you here because I do the same thing myself. it is a tool for emphasis, but I think in this case you give such great imagery with "eyes never blinking", "strangers in photographs", that it is confining your talent by constricting it to that form. I'd like to see more simile or metaphor here emphasizing "frozen" and "time". That poem is a greatness ready to be unleashed.

Fallen Soldier is unique. I think it needs a bit more imagery and "war gore". Have you read any of the poems by Wilfred Owen? Do a poemhunter.com on him and check him out for potential ideas but i think of them all this poem has the opportunity to be the most powerful of the four.

Death's Sweet Embrace seems a bit convalduded with contactions in one line and old English "draweth near" in another. I think this is an attempt to fit to form (which I applaude you effort, I am a huge fan of the dying art of formal poetry), but where I feel it doesn't work here is in the sense that you must choose a voice. Old English or contemporary. I think I'd like to see another word then fragile when describing the bones. Or maybe another word for bones to reflect fragile. You could do a kenning like Beowulf if you really want to get screwy with it and say something like "dusty bonehouse", but then again the poem is solemn in tone and that specific example might not work. I don't know, I like the solemnity and doom imagery but that one IMHO needs a bit more tinkering.

Taramire, I am in my second straight semester of workshoping poetry. My grammar editing skills are atrocious and I am admittedly limited when it comes to similie in metaphor. But of late I am dreaming in technique and imagery. If I come on too strong, do forgive me. If you want to hammer back any of my stuff, visit my Thread (ASP and Friends over in Talk, or Poetry with Parm or Parm's Place for Ponderings "Parm is TORC's best poet in my opinion) I drop off work there or occasionally at the Bard's guild. If you want to read and slash my fiction to ribbons, check out Gypsy Wolf here in the Scriptorium.

I really like your poetry. It is a courageous thing to be a poet because people are generally just nice and politely endure a poet's work without trying to understand it. And for many poets, that is enough for them and they don't get better. Fortunately, I am not one of those and I give it back just as much as I expect my work to be critiqued. And I applaude your willingness to share and be critiqued yourself. :P
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Postby Taramire » Mon Feb 20, 2006 4:18 pm

Thank you very much; I'm not affended at all!

I think Undomiel, Elessar is my best work so far and I'll be posting another poem I really like (though you'll probably find some things wrong with it :wink: ) soon.

I agree, Frozen in Time needs some help. This is actually my second attempt on the same theme.

I think I should explane Fallen Soldier just a bit. I wrote it as a Christian, a soldier in God's army, who thinks that they can't be harmed if they dabble in sin just a bit. They stop reading their Bible and they don't pray as much ("I grew tired and my watch began to slacken"). They feel that they are going down a path that can only bring them harm, but they're having such a good time ("I thought I saw them come, but I told myself I was only dreaming"). The whole poem is about a Christian realizing that they are now a prisanor of sin and the Christian is wondering if they could ever be free. It goes along with the old saying "sin will take you further than you ever wanted to go and keep you longer than you ever wanted to stay". That's why I don't think more imagery is needed, it might even take away from the meaning. IMHO.

I'll try to remember to stop by those places. Thanks again for posting, it was a great help.

*edit*

About Death's Sweet Embrace.....someone else told me I had that problem; I really need to start looking for that in my writing.

One more thing......I hope to learn Elvish someday and I'll probably end up writing poems in Quenya; if i do I'll be sure to post them.

Does anybody else have an opinion? Where else, but here, will someone honestly ask for your opinion ;-).
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Postby A_Simple_Poet » Mon Feb 20, 2006 5:38 pm

I wrote it as a Christian, a soldier in God's army, who thinks that they can't be harmed if they dabble in sin just a bit.

I understand now. It is fine the way it is if you want to keep the Christian connotations out of the frame of the poem, but you may have to clarify it for your reader each time.

It goes along with the old saying "sin will take you further than you ever wanted to go and keep you longer than you ever wanted to stay"


As a most unworthy believer in Christ and a repeat offender when dealing with captivity and habitual sins bordering on addiciton, I can relate with this saying which interestingly enough, I had never heard before. I feel much like the Fallen Soldier. Hmmm, you got me. I can dig it now.

though you'll probably find some things wrong with it.


Taramire, I find nothing WRONG with any of your poetry. I merely offer suggestions. Please understand that I hope not to come across as condescending or conceited in any way. Poetry for everyone is different and critics can debate technique until their faces turn different shades of color but NOBODY has any right to say anyone elses work is wrong or inferior. It is what it is , and so it goes. :shock:

Keep up the writing... :)
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Postby Taramire » Mon Feb 20, 2006 8:31 pm

A_Simple_Poet wrote:
It goes along with the old saying "sin will take you further than you ever wanted to go and keep you longer than you ever wanted to stay"


As a most unworthy believer in Christ and a repeat offender when dealing with captivity and habitual sins bordering on addiciton, I can relate with this saying which interestingly enough, I had never heard before. I feel much like the Fallen Soldier. Hmmm, you got me. I can dig it now.



I'm so glad you understand. I wrote this poem when Christian friends seemed to have turned their backs on God and this poem serves as a reminder to me when I'm tempted to do so as well. I'm also an unworthy follower of Christ.

I understand you now and I will keep writing.
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Postby Taramire » Tue Feb 21, 2006 2:32 pm

One more thing....I changed 'Fallen Soldier' to 'Fallen Christian Soldier' so maybe people will understand what I'm talking about.
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Postby Taramire » Tue Feb 21, 2006 10:04 pm

I posted a new poem called 'The Grim Reaper'. I just sat down one day and wrote it with out any forthought; it probably shows. It's just a short quick pace poem about the Grim Reaper.

BTW......the "chopping down trees" comes from a short story that I read years ago and I just loved that imagery.
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Postby prmiller » Wed Feb 22, 2006 2:45 am

I have come over here as a result of the friendly nudge by Taramire
to bring a conversation started in the "Followers of Eru" thread and
carry it on here.

My hero, in many respects, is a poster who used to come here, glooskap.
While I have not read much of his poetry, his professionalism profoundly
struck me. Well, I have not seen glooskap for months. I miss the concision
of his insights. However, in his place we have a delightful fellow, A Simple
Poet, who, for all his whimsical charms, is a very serious poet. The book
of Proverbs reminds us, 'iron sharpens iron', and that has been the kind
of repartee I have enjoyed, thoroughly enjoyed, to be honest, with ASP.

You may take my words as flattery, if you wish, but much like the professor chronicled in Tuesdays With Morrie, I would not want to wait until death to eulogize my friends. Expect praise, appreciation, and unadulterated gladness to be around people of like minds.

Poetry, for me, is my breath, my blood.

To change metaphors, it flows in and out of me like tides upon distant
shores.
So, if I am able to help you in some way, I look forward to that.
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Postby prmiller » Wed Feb 22, 2006 2:45 am

I have come over here as a result of the friendly nudge by Taramire
to bring a conversation started in the "Followers of Eru" thread and
carry it on here.

My hero, in many respects, is a poster who used to come here, glooskap.
While I have not read much of his poetry, his professionalism profoundly
struck me. Well, I have not seen glooskap for months. I miss the concision
of his insights. However, in his place we have a delightful fellow, A Simple
Poet, who, for all his whimsical charms, is a very serious poet. The book
of Proverbs reminds us, 'iron sharpens iron', and that has been the kind
of repartee I have enjoyed, thoroughly enjoyed, to be honest, with ASP.

You may take my words as flattery, if you wish, but much like the professor chronicled in Tuesdays With Morrie, I would not want to wait until death to eulogize my friends. Expect praise, appreciation, and unadulterated gladness to be around people of like minds.

Poetry, for me, is my breath, my blood.

To change metaphors, it flows in and out of me like tides upon distant
shores.
So, if I am able to help you in some way, I look forward to that.
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Postby Taramire » Wed Feb 22, 2006 12:57 pm

You really wanted to get your point across didn't you, Parm :wink: .

I don't have time to go through my poems with you right now, but I can tell you that I liked 'Fallen Christian Soldier' (a.k.a. Fallen Soldier), 'Undomiel, Elessar', and 'Arwen' which I'll post below since TORC is takeing their sweet time in desiding whether they should publish it or not. These are the poems I'm happy with.

Arwen
I saw her standing there
Clothed in white raiment
Her hair, an ebony river
Her eyes as sapphires
But more than this
I saw her heart
Shrouded in purity
Crowned with honor
Devotion and love
Welling from her depths

A Queen before the crown
A star from heaven
I thought her to be
Her heart unmarred
By the Shadow
And her grace undimmed

A silent gazer of all that passes
A gentle hand to all who hurt
The Queen of a nation
Her husband’s crown and glory
Her children’s rock and shield
Lady of faith
Daughter of Lords
Woman of quiet strength
So it was, I beheld Arwen
Queen of Gondor


Thanks again, A Simple Poet. You've been a great help.
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Postby Gwenneth_Eruwen » Wed Feb 22, 2006 7:41 pm

Death's Sweet Embrace actuly helped me so I thank you for writing it. I could see Arwen clearly as you discribed her in the poem that you posted here. Undomiel, Elessar was good. Keep it up!

-Gwenny-
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Postby prmiller » Wed Feb 22, 2006 10:20 pm

Question: Do we always need capitals at the beginning of lines of
poems that are 'free verse'?
I can understand the convention for sonnets and other
kinds of rhythmic poems, but
I wonder if the freedom of the poem "Arwen" could be
even more subtly enhanced by beginning the lines
following the head line with lower case, and perhaps even
no punctuation...unless it mars meanings.

Thus:
I saw her standing there
clothed in white raiment
her hair
an ebony river
her eyes
as sapphires
but more than this
I saw her heart
shrouded in purity
crowned with honor
devotion and love
welling from her depths

It really is a tender piece. I enjoy the simplicity of the
description.
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