Adian - A Novel in Progress (feedback please!)

Writing is a passion many people experience after reading Tolkien's works. Come here to discuss and share your experiences with writing.

Adian - A Novel in Progress (feedback please!)

Postby EmeraldPictures » Fri Sep 15, 2006 3:48 pm

I was wonding if I could get some feedback on the first chapter in my novel in progress.



Zeb lay quietly in his bed with his eyes wide open. He had been lying there for hours, tossing and turning, but couldn’t fall asleep. He was about to go crazy. He couldn’t take it anymore and finally decided to go outside.

Quietly, he slowly made his way out of his small bedroom. He slipped his boots on at the door and then walked outside into the narrow street of Cohen; a small village made up of a small group of shacks that were built upon the side of Caterat mountains.

Zeb walked slowly to a high cliff that was about a mile away from the village. As he sat there, he looked down and threw rocks into the Belar river that ran west for miles. It was the longest river in Adian. It ran from the capital city of Bajaf, which was on the opposite side of Adian, all the way to the Gold Sea. It was the main use of transportation for merchants and travelers, but they had to walk on foot if they were going east.

Zeb sat there in silence for a long while until he slowly started to doze. He slept there on the cliff side for about an hour until he was awoken by the sound of voices.

He sat up and looked around. Nothing. What’s going on? he wondered, looking over the edge of the cliff and up the river. Suddenly, a boat came into view a ways up the river. Torches lined the outside the boat, but the fog was too thick for Zeb to make out who it was.

As the boat got closer, Zeb got on his stomach and peaked over the side of the cliff, trying to stay out of view. The torch light revealed something that sent a tingle through Zeb’s spine. Dark elves! Zeb backed away slowly, trying not to be heard. Why are they here? he quickly ran back to the village and back to his house.

He woke his father, Kamus, who seemed to be ignoring Zeb. “Dad!” He whispered urgently. Kamus’s eyes snapped open and looked at Zeb. “What is it, son?” his father mumbled, half awake. “They’re coming!” Zeb began to quietly panic. Kamus didn’t quite seem to understand. “Who’s coming?”

Zeb was now getting slightly annoyed at his fathers questions. Why couldn’t he just get up? “Barja’s soldiers!” Kamus sat up and threw his covers off. “What makes you think so?” His father said, now fully awake.

“I saw them coming up the river.” Zeb said, turning and walking out of the room. Kamus followed and asked, “How many?”

“I don’t know. I couldn’t tell an exact number, but I’d say at least a hundred.” Kamus seemed taken back by that number. “A hundred!” he hissed under his breath.

They both walked out to the barn and grabbed as many weapons - swords, spears, pitchforks - as they could hold. After that, they went from door-to-door waking the men and prepared them to fight.

Zeb hoped it wouldn’t come to that, but he knew that since they were Cladian followers and had rejected Barja’s soldiers the last time they had come, blood was bound to be shed before the sun broke over the mountain tops.

They waited for over an hour and nothing had happened. Zeb’s father leaned over and whispered. “What’s going on? Are you sure they’re coming?” he didn’t want to say it loud enough for the other men to hear, because if Zeb was mistaken, there were sure to be a few unfriendly words shared and hard feelings between the other villagers.

A rain drop fell from the sky and landed on Zeb’s head. He looked up at the dark sky as a flash of lightning shot through the clouds. After a few minutes, it began to rain. The men shook their heads and mumbled to themselves. Everyone wish to be in bed. It was too late for something like this. But they knew that they had received warning. They could’ve moved away but they didn’t and now they were stuck in a hopeless situation with pitchforks and shovels and a few swords as weapons.

The yells of the Dark Elves could be heard in the distance. They were coming. Dark Elves were scary looking creatures. They had dark green skin that looked like that on a frog, and completely red eyes. And their ears did not point upward, but downward and was rounded on the top. They had marks on their foreheads. Two snakes curling around one another. That was the sign of Barja, and all those who didn’t possess it-like the village of Cohen-were considered rebels and were given only one chance to have the mark burned into the skin before they were slaughtered.

That’s why the Dark Elves have come. thought Zeb as he raised his sword into a more battle-ready position.

The monsters came flooding into the village through the main gate, throwing torches onto homes as they ran through the streets. Zeb had never killed anything before beside a few deer. But when he saw them burning homes and killing people he had known all his life, when his blade met one of the Elves flesh, he didn’t mind.

The battle raged and flames rose from almost every home in the village. Zeb knew he had to get his mother, Elian, and his sister, Elizabeth, out of their home, but couldn’t get out of the massive crowd. Suddenly his mother and sister broke through the front door, coughing for breath. Zeb tried to get to them, but too many Elves stood in his way. He hacked and slashed and took many lives, but wasn’t able to get their before one of the monsters had taken his mother and sister. He searched everywhere for her, but never spotted them.

Soon, he had to stop looking and continue fighting. There were still many of the monsters left. Suddenly, the gate of the village was pushed down by three giant Dark Elves. Zeb had never seen or heard of such a thing.

The huge beast raised their large clubs and swung them into the crowd of men and Dark Elves, killing fifty of them. Zeb looked around to find his father, and spotted him on the opposite side of the street, killing an Elf.

He began to run over to Kamus, but was cut off by a large group of Dark Elves that flooded in around him from outside the village. Suddenly, a sharp pain throbbed from the back of his head and he fell over. As things began to blur, he looked around. He couldn’t move his legs or arms. He was being drug by two Elves. He looked back down the street and saw his father, who was running toward him, screaming his name. But one of the giants clubs suddenly came crashing into a house beside Kamus, sending the burning boards flying down on top of him.

“Father!” Zeb screamed out, but his father did not get up. Suddenly, things began to blur even more, and then…darkness.
User avatar
Citizen of Imladris
Posts: 24
Joined: Sat Jan 07, 2006 6:33 pm

Postby FrodiusMaximus » Fri Sep 15, 2006 8:30 pm

"Quietly, he slowly made his way out of his small bedroom."

The two adverbs in such close proximity, yet separated by a comma, (i.e., not part of the same construction) gives the sentence a disconnected feel and makes it seem unnatural.

Try, "Slowly and quietly, he made his way..."

Or, vary up the use of adjectives: "In silence, he slowly made his way out of his bedroom."
Citizen of Imladris
Posts: 21
Joined: Wed Aug 16, 2006 5:03 pm
Location: Massachusetts, USA

Postby EmeraldPictures » Sat Sep 16, 2006 12:52 pm

Thanks! I'll be sure to change that.

Anyone else?

User avatar
Citizen of Imladris
Posts: 24
Joined: Sat Jan 07, 2006 6:33 pm

Postby Edmund the Scholar » Thu May 17, 2007 7:45 am

Are you still working on this manuscript? I'd love to read more and give my humble feedback if you are still interested in publishing it.
User avatar
Edmund the Scholar
Ranger of the North

Posts: 1621
Joined: Thu Mar 29, 2007 9:04 am
Location: The Guest of Orcs

Return to Writing: The Scriptorium of Imladris

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests