Hobbit Architect has evolved into Huntsman. Congrats. NOW GET BACK IN YOUR POKEBALL YOU MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A MASCOT. HOW DO YOU THINK WE GOT ALONG WITHOUT OUR TRADEMARKED PUNCHING BAG??? MY BLOOD PRESSURE SKYROCKETED, THOUGH THAT COULD BE ALL THE RED BULL I'M DRINKINGNONEVERTHATOKUNTSMANYOUHAVETOGOTHROUGHHAZINGAGAIN.
GOT THAT??? DO YOU??? DO YOU??? HAS IT PENETRATED YOUR ALREADY PERFORATED SKULL, MAGGOT?????
AND WHY WON'T THE INBRED EXCUSES FOR CONGENITAL RETARDS DOWNSTAIRS STOP TRYING TO DESTABILIZE MY FLOOR WITH THEIR BASS??? COUNTRY MUSIC WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE HEARD. ESPECIALLY AT 5 O'CLUCKING FOCK IN THE MORNING. NO REALLY, STOP TRYING TO SING, I'VE HEARD HEMORRHAGING RABBITS THAT CARRY A BETTER TUNE THAN YOU, YOU DRUNK, COKED UP, GERBIL-ABUSING MOUTHBREATHERS. NO, STOP WHOOPING LIKE YOU’RE A COWBOY. I'LL SCALP YOU IN PLACES THAT THE DEFINITION OF SCALPING DOESN'T REALLY INCLUDE.
In other news, we need an adventure, and while inflicting copious amounts of rage-induced violence on my neighbors could be fun, it could also be highly frowned upon by local law enforcement. We wouldn't want to break any laws or hurt any feelings, would we?
I'll just be playing Dance Dance Revolution at 9 AM and practice my drums at 10. "Why Riot," you say, "I had no idea you were musically gifted."
I'm not. I don’t even have drums. But I have a load of pots and pans.
"We're getting Dale," J_F reiterated, pointing his pointy stick at a hand-drawn map done in multiple shades of crayon.
"Dale? I thought he said "tail," one dwarf muttered, mining his ears for the gritty Dwarven earwax, which has been used in these modern times, for tracking the migratory habits of different clans. Valuable minerals, tacky souvenirs, and fossilized insects were known to be found in the craggy, amber depths of the Dwarven ear canal.
"I don't see Dale on the map," Crown Prince Slugwortz added in confusion. "It's all labeled “Flett” this and “Flett” that.”
"I think the Butte of Flett is the mountain," Queen Lark postulated. "And there where the town used to be is the Dump of Flett."
"Indeed," the King said with great satisfaction.
“Maybe it would be wiser not to deal with the orcs and the elves while we are pillaging Dale,” Queen Lark said, eyeing the orc miniatures that lay scattered about on the floor. Some were crushed, some were burned, and one was chewed to a plasticky pulp by some intrepid creature.
“You’re right,” the King said, bringing his fist down on the table. “They’ll want a cut of it too. Well they can’t have it. We’ll preempt them and get them before they get Dale.”
Queen Lark shook her imperious head and delicately brained the King with a hammer.
“We have two options,” Lark said very clearly, holding up the correct number of fingers. Mara, Riot, the boys, and Hunny formerly known as Ha sat around a table in the Great Hall. “We can send a diplomatic party down to Dale to try and make amends, or we can just roll through them like Nazgul in the Shire and commit heinous acts of violence and depravity, the like of which the world has not seen for at least fifteen minutes, ten if they have HBO.”
“Is there really any choice?” Mara wondered. “I mean, the answer seems so obvious.”
“Well, J_F has mobilized his forces, including the legendary Milking Brigade,” Lark answered solemnly. “His megalomania has really done it this time.”
“I know,” Riot piped up. “Won’t it be fun?”
Rubbing her temples, Lark looked out to the rest of the crowd. Slugwortz was trying to see how much of the bench he could fit down Keth’s throat. The Huntsman was lying in a puddle of what looked to be ketchup.
“No peace talks?” Lark asked again, looking at Mara.
Right, so my awakeness has plummeted. Uh…Adventure? The obvious is continuing war with Dale. Another possibility would be a diplomatic mission to Dale, which would be botched horrendously, like the time German Chancellor Schroeder put out the Holocaust Memorial flame. Or when Bush senior threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister. Or, perhaps the sensible Lark will propose another diversion to keep everyone occupied and not running off to start genocidal wars.