The Dwarves Guild

The varied peoples of Middle-earth at times found unity in their pursuits, and all too often experienced deep rifts. Engage in lively conversations as we banter about the differences between the Alliances, and recruit for our People as well. Remember, keep it friendly.

Postby Johnny_Flett » Wed May 14, 2008 7:31 pm

Yes...yes...inkling sites...what does it mean precious? Keeps us in the stinkling dark he does, precious...

Remember: it's step, hip, step pivot! Are you TRYING to piss off the volcano?!

:P
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Postby fatcatdave » Thu Jun 12, 2008 4:25 pm

looks around and see other dwarves

wheres the beers? and I'm talking kegs here...

Do you still do the crispy orc toes or was that somewhere else?
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:00 pm

Welcome FCD!

Please make yourself at home: which in Erebor means roaring, fighting drunk.

Orc toes? Um...no. Riot's got fungus that's pretty cool.



Be back this weekend

the King
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Postby The_Huntsman » Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:51 am

*stumbles in*

:shock: So many people I remember!

*dusts off*

An introduction is in order I suppose. I am the new, er... persona, of HobbitArchitect. I have returned...only after lurking for a few days, but I'm here!
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Postby lark » Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:23 pm

Welcome back HA!! :) Where you been so long?

Boy this place is quiet. We need a new adventure. I don't even remember what we were doing before. :? Seems like I was taking over the thread or something, but that sounds like a lot of effort now. :roll:
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Postby The_Huntsman » Fri Jul 18, 2008 7:25 am

school kept me away :(

A new adventure you say? Count me in!
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Postby Riot » Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:33 am

Hobbit Architect has evolved into Huntsman. Congrats. NOW GET BACK IN YOUR POKEBALL YOU MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A MASCOT. HOW DO YOU THINK WE GOT ALONG WITHOUT OUR TRADEMARKED PUNCHING BAG??? MY BLOOD PRESSURE SKYROCKETED, THOUGH THAT COULD BE ALL THE RED BULL I'M DRINKINGNONEVERTHATOKUNTSMANYOUHAVETOGOTHROUGHHAZINGAGAIN.

GOT THAT??? DO YOU??? DO YOU??? HAS IT PENETRATED YOUR ALREADY PERFORATED SKULL, MAGGOT?????

AND WHY WON'T THE INBRED EXCUSES FOR CONGENITAL RETARDS DOWNSTAIRS STOP TRYING TO DESTABILIZE MY FLOOR WITH THEIR BASS??? COUNTRY MUSIC WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE HEARD. ESPECIALLY AT 5 O'CLUCKING FOCK IN THE MORNING. NO REALLY, STOP TRYING TO SING, I'VE HEARD HEMORRHAGING RABBITS THAT CARRY A BETTER TUNE THAN YOU, YOU DRUNK, COKED UP, GERBIL-ABUSING MOUTHBREATHERS. NO, STOP WHOOPING LIKE YOU’RE A COWBOY. I'LL SCALP YOU IN PLACES THAT THE DEFINITION OF SCALPING DOESN'T REALLY INCLUDE.

In other news, we need an adventure, and while inflicting copious amounts of rage-induced violence on my neighbors could be fun, it could also be highly frowned upon by local law enforcement. We wouldn't want to break any laws or hurt any feelings, would we? :nono:

I'll just be playing Dance Dance Revolution at 9 AM and practice my drums at 10. "Why Riot," you say, "I had no idea you were musically gifted."

I'm not. I don’t even have drums. But I have a load of pots and pans.

***

"We're getting Dale," J_F reiterated, pointing his pointy stick at a hand-drawn map done in multiple shades of crayon.

"Dale? I thought he said "tail," one dwarf muttered, mining his ears for the gritty Dwarven earwax, which has been used in these modern times, for tracking the migratory habits of different clans. Valuable minerals, tacky souvenirs, and fossilized insects were known to be found in the craggy, amber depths of the Dwarven ear canal.

"I don't see Dale on the map," Crown Prince Slugwortz added in confusion. "It's all labeled “Flett” this and “Flett” that.”

"I think the Butte of Flett is the mountain," Queen Lark postulated. "And there where the town used to be is the Dump of Flett."

"Indeed," the King said with great satisfaction.

“Maybe it would be wiser not to deal with the orcs and the elves while we are pillaging Dale,” Queen Lark said, eyeing the orc miniatures that lay scattered about on the floor. Some were crushed, some were burned, and one was chewed to a plasticky pulp by some intrepid creature.

“You’re right,” the King said, bringing his fist down on the table. “They’ll want a cut of it too. Well they can’t have it. We’ll preempt them and get them before they get Dale.”

Queen Lark shook her imperious head and delicately brained the King with a hammer.

*****

“We have two options,” Lark said very clearly, holding up the correct number of fingers. Mara, Riot, the boys, and Hunny formerly known as Ha sat around a table in the Great Hall. “We can send a diplomatic party down to Dale to try and make amends, or we can just roll through them like Nazgul in the Shire and commit heinous acts of violence and depravity, the like of which the world has not seen for at least fifteen minutes, ten if they have HBO.”

“Is there really any choice?” Mara wondered. “I mean, the answer seems so obvious.”

“Well, J_F has mobilized his forces, including the legendary Milking Brigade,” Lark answered solemnly. “His megalomania has really done it this time.”

“I know,” Riot piped up. “Won’t it be fun?”

Rubbing her temples, Lark looked out to the rest of the crowd. Slugwortz was trying to see how much of the bench he could fit down Keth’s throat. The Huntsman was lying in a puddle of what looked to be ketchup.

“No peace talks?” Lark asked again, looking at Mara.


*****

Right, so my awakeness has plummeted. Uh…Adventure? The obvious is continuing war with Dale. Another possibility would be a diplomatic mission to Dale, which would be botched horrendously, like the time German Chancellor Schroeder put out the Holocaust Memorial flame. Or when Bush senior threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister. Or, perhaps the sensible Lark will propose another diversion to keep everyone occupied and not running off to start genocidal wars.

Riot
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Postby HobbitArchitect » Sun Aug 17, 2008 1:21 am

I have regained control of my previous form.

Glee!
~~~

HA eyes darted around the room; there was no easy escape. He heaved out a sigh and attempted to tune in to the conversation. Something about Dale and war and ... orcs? *shudder*. His eyes shifted again, searching for some way to tell what time it was. It had to be around elevenses or noon; either way a perfect time for a snack.

"Just my luck"

Not one single piece of food to be found, save for a few condiments. Tuning in and out of the conversation, his ears perked.

"...or we could just roll through them like Nazgul in the Shire..."

"Hey now!"

His objection went unnoticed. It looked like he was about to be dragged on another adventure...

~~~

I'm a bit rusty at this :P
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Postby lark » Mon Aug 18, 2008 7:38 am

*tackles HA in his previous form then snuggles him and starts feeding him snicker doodles*

I am in desperate need of an adventure. All RPs are dead or moving at a snail’s pace and if I don’t do some creative writing soon I think my head may explode. Just ask J_F. I’ve been emailing stories to him at work of a questionable nature. Not that he’s complaining mind you, :wink: but I miss writing with a group. Writing by yourself is only fun for so long.

Unfortunately, I have to start planning out my school curriculum today, but I’ll try to set aside some time to play here to.
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sat Oct 25, 2008 8:21 pm

~Official Announcement~

It is entirely due to the Gondor's criminal hostile policy toward Erebor that the situation remains tense on the Lonely Mountain and hurdles are still lying in the way of peace and reunification despite the trend of the times toward peace and reunification.
Gondor's hostile policy toward Erebor is a criminal policy of aggression to stifle the King from dynamically advancing along the road of dynamic advancement under the uplifted banner of banner upliftment and enslave the somewhat redundant inhabitants of Erebor.
The Elvish presence in Mirkwood is a vivid manifestation of the criminal hostile policy toward Erebor. Gondor has systematically escalated its moves to threaten and invade Erebor with its forces of aggression present in Mirkwood as a shock force, illegally keeping them there for more than six thousand years.

~

*Note: the King has not been seen in public for months. It is rumored that his head became super massive and caused him to fall through the earth's crust, ans efforts are still underway to retrieve him.
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Postby A_Simple_Poet » Wed Nov 12, 2008 9:54 pm

Must a dwarf lover bribe his way into the Dwarves Guild, or is usurption a plausible option? Either way, I'm here and rather Bombur-esque in my immutability. :twisted:
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Postby lark » Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:18 am

Welcome and well met, A_Simple_Poet! :) May I call you Will? Is that the name you go by? Anyway, please make yourself at home…have an ale! :)

I’m the wife of the King of this thread, which kind of makes me Queen, though I’m rarely that formal. As you may have read, the King is currently missing, though I’m sure he’ll turn up. With a noggin like that, he can’t stay hidden too long. :roll:

Bribes are not necessary, though they will probably be accepted, and as for usurpation; wouldn’t you rather be friends?

There’s a few things you should know: Sluggwortz is my son and I’m afraid he can be a bit mischievous. If he asks you to, never tug a rope, pull a lever or stand on a spot marked with an X. Oh, and nanny berries are NOT food! We have a lot of goats here at the Lonely Mountain, and the old nanny berry joke is a favorite. That reminds me, if you’re wondering what the smell is, it’s rutting season. :shock: You’ll get used to the goats. Alcohol helps. Have a beer! :)

Riot is my niece. She’s a bit…cantankerous. Giver her some space, especially in the morning and don’t mess with her collection of smelly goat cheeses. Which accounts for the other smell. Alcohol goes nice with that too. Would you like some wine? :)

Oh, and don’t worry about HA. He’s not dead. He always looks like that. :wink: I think that about covers it. Have any questions? I have one: Do you RP?
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Postby A_Simple_Poet » Fri Nov 14, 2008 7:29 pm

Welcome and well met, A_Simple_Poet! May I call you Will? Is that the name you go by?


Thanks for the welcome, Lark! :)

Yes, please do call me Will. If I knew ASP would be such a bother I would have taken a different username. It makes me feel all serpentine when people call me that.

Have any questions? I have one: Do you RP?


Oh not since such things were done with dice. I was a brilliant dungeonmaster in those days. I do a little fan fic writing for Games Workshop's: Warhammer Fantasy ... but nothing published yet. I don't think I have what it takes to consistantly RP here at TORC. My skills have diminished in an alarming Entish sort of way that probably would offend most Dwarves.

The Dwarves are my favorite race in Tolkien's Middle Earth and third favorite in the Warhammer (behind Wood and Dark Elves). But Knights and Chivalry are my thing. Just check out my MySpace by clicking the little button that says website below this post. Then you'll know more than is sane to know about me.
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Postby lark » Sat Nov 15, 2008 3:28 pm

Yes, dwarves are awesome. Much more masculine then elves. :love: There have been those who have accused me of having a thing for dwarves, without defining the word thing. *shrug* I don’t know what they’re talking about. :whistle:

I call myself a Rohan girl because I was primarily raised in KY. You know, rolling plains and home of the Horse Lords and all. :roll: That, and I spend a lot of time around horses though my own horse is a bit of a screw-ball.

Anyway, all we do around here is very light RP, just for fun. Please do tarry with us! :) I’m sure the others will be along soon to welcome you. Perhaps we could put together some sort of RP involving knights. I read La Morte D’Arthur. (Hope I didn’t mangle the spelling of that too badly :P )
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sat Nov 15, 2008 10:10 pm

Another fifty feet had been added to the King's throne, making an audience with him pretty much impossible. Often times the king would sleep on his throne, rather than risk the perilous forty-five minute descent to the chamber floor. In order to conduct the essential duties of his monarchy, it became necessary to cut a hole in the floor of the level above his head, and to shout up at those beneath him.

He was giddy with glee when his new crown was finished; a glittering monstrosity encrusted with jewels, so massive that he had to wear a series of braces and trusses to avoid crushing his neck vertebra. Yet his giddiness was short-lived, for on his first attempt to ascend his throne, the top-heavy king brought the whole teetering precipice smashing down so hard that they had to dig him out of the rubble five levels below.

While the King was in recovery, a Simple Poetic dwarf called upon him, seeking refuge within the halls of Erebor. The King (who had been in a semi-catatonic state since the collapse, and suffered from the delusion that he was a seed shrimp), suddenly raised up his royal thorax on one of his rounded appendages, and exclaimed:

"It is you! You are the chosen one! The one who will revive our stalled Summer Offensive by carrying the new declaration of war to Thranduil!" He sat upright and began writing furiously. "You will present this declaration to the Elvenking, and then immediately set yourself on fire, ala Denethor, so your fat, burning carcass will forever stain his floor with it's stainful,oily renderings!"

"Um...that's okay...I was just going to hang out for awhile..." said the newcomer, backing away.

"I shall have a council...the Council of Flett! A representative of every race shall be summoned. A quest is in order, to safely bring this declaration to fruition. A fellowship! We shall take the Anduin to the Sea of Rhun, and then portage our pontoon boats over the Grey Mountains, through Shelob’s Lair a couple of times and straight into the Misty Mirkwood Mountains!
Mirkwood shall be a stepping stone! A stepping stone to Gondor! Today- Mirkwood! Tomorow-Gondor! And the day after tomorrow- Valharalla, er, Vallerina? You know- that place with the guy. What's his face.

Any takers?

Please sign up by stating your name, your race, and what covered dish you will bring (since the last time we attacked Mirkwood you all brought potato salad).



Johnny Flett, KIng of Erebor.
My father was a dwarf.
I'm bringing a tasty cassereole made from rice rats, meadow voles and bog lemmings.
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Postby lark » Sun Nov 16, 2008 5:47 pm

*kisses J_F’s enormous, broken head*

Your proposed quest makes no sense at all. Of course you can count me in. I’ll bring potato salad. :D
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Postby lark » Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:18 pm

oops
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Postby Slugwortz » Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:25 pm

My name is Slugwartz and I’m some sort Elf… Man… Orc… Dwarf… thing. Don’t blame me, blame that more than a Tyrant of a King J_F. Oh! And I’ll be bringing a special Dish; it’s a old family recipe, I made it myself. I call them Grunt Cakes.




Mom : duoble posting tisk,tisk :nono:
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Postby lark » Sat Dec 06, 2008 9:59 am

Well guys, it looks like you scared off another one. :roll: You can’t blame me, I was nice!

*sigh*

Now what are we doing again?
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sat Dec 20, 2008 2:05 pm

Oh he's still here. The Pimple Poet still lives on, in spirit, for it was his child like pimplicity that inspired me to resuscitate our stalled Summer Offensive. And if you stomp around, there's a hollow spot under the floorboards. We've been feeding him through the cracks.
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Postby Maranwe-Ar-Feiniel » Mon Feb 16, 2009 9:05 pm

....How have I managed to neglect TORC n such a horrendous scale?! :shock:
Well, now that I have my own compy again...lets see if I cannot revive my old skills...ie, actually be able to write for fun.

Ahem.


Name: Maranwe-A-Feiniel
Race: Rohirric/elf, but romantic tendencies towards shorter men with beards...and a taste for the ales. Which would be why I am here.. :P
I'll bring the brownies

Lark, don't eat those on the purple plate. Just don't. Keth helped with those.
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sat Mar 07, 2009 11:21 am

Maranwea? Maranfara. Marinara farce. Mar-fin-flara-fin-firinithering fadoosh. That's elvish-ish for "She who is slack of jaw, broad of beam, and a real smarty pants".

Oh, Wilfamar wore figleafiel! Come with me: to see the results of our Summer-slash-Fall-slash-Winter-slashSpring offensive! It is being recorded in a bound volume, tentatively titled "For Glory and Honor; the Bloody. Bloody Massacre of the Mirkwood Elves and the Gross Abuse of Corpses That Followed."
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sat Mar 21, 2009 10:04 pm

~ Come with me, young Marawana Feinstein, and see New Erebor! The heart of half-elvendom in Middle Earth! ~

The king led Mara across the bridge that crossed the river to the former king of Mirkwood's palace. They had to pick their way slowly, for the bridge was piled with carcasses; elf carcasses, dwarf carcasses, and thousands of bird carcasses, whose feathers were strewn everywhere.

"What's with all the dead birds?" Maranwe finally inquired when they paused about half the way across.

"The song of the seagull has always profoundly affected the Elves." The king was leaning over the railing, watching dwarves with long poles trying to clear a carcass-jam. "It speaks to them; cries to them; beckons them home across the the sundering seas..." he was now gripping the wall so tightly that small flecks of stone were falling off.

"We were not idle during the siege of the Elvenking's palace. Five mighty tunnels were hewn, beneath the river to points in and around the palace. Since their locations could not be kept secret from the keen ears of the elves, I needed something else to throw them off their guard when the assault began. Twenty-five thousand seagulls were brought from Drengist into the tunnels.

When the main assault was launched from the East, coordinated with several smaller battlegroups from the North, West, and South, the tunnels were broken through and the birds released. You should have seen it! The inside of the palace was like fighting inside a pillow! And outside the palace was a blizzard of feathers as elves and dwarves ripped each other to shreds! Firstborn indeed! I'll show THEM whose firstborn!"

He tried to pick up an elf-cadaver, but the arm came off when he pulled on it. "Oh-Ho! I get it! You think I won't stomp an unarmed opponent you cowardly piece of crap?!?!" He flung the arm off of the bridge and high into the air.

"Long Live King Flett! Long Live the Days of Realm and the Blessed Bliss!" he screamed, at nobody in particular with his sword drawn.

The arm landed in the water with a mighty splash.

"Well...anyway...where was I, Mantaray?" he asked re-sheathing his blade. "Manta? Hey. Where'd she go? :?
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sun Apr 26, 2009 7:34 pm

"Oh, there you are," said the king, spying Maranwe playing opossum behind a pile of cadavers. "Good old Placentenwe; you always make me smile."

"That is why I brought you here, today, to help me celebrate what the heralds are calling 'The Forty-First Ass-Kicking of the Eldar'. In these changing times, young Whaletoothanwe, the times, they are a-changing. And we dwarves, including yourself, my good old BrainPannington, must change out of them. As for me, and my fate, the die has been cast. It has been die cast. Out of silver, or mithril, or that other shiny stuff. There is even talk of a series of commemorative plates, each one focusing on a different part of my glorious anatomy. But my fate lies further south. We will use the momentum of this victory to roll over the sissies and hairdressers of Lothlorien. And then onto Gondor.

Which is why I am entrusting the kingdom of Erebor to you, young Warandpeace. If you would do me the honor of accepting it."
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sun Apr 26, 2009 7:43 pm

Fine! Then don't! See if I care! I hereby demote you to commander of the 72nd Removing Corpses Off Of The Bridge Battalion. It is a proud battalion cosisting of you, yourself, and you. Here is a meat hook- please don't throw any more bodies into the river; there is a burm pit about a half a mile up the road!"
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Mon Sep 14, 2009 9:29 pm

It came to pass that the The Forty-First Ass-Kicking of the Eldar was soon followed by the Incredibly Disgusting Forty-First Mass Decomposition of All the Dead Eldar, and it was as fair and as noble as the simultaneous rotting of a couple of thousand elf carcasses could ever be.
And it is written that the Forty-First Rancid Putrification of the Hacked and Hewn Elven Stiffs accomplished in death what the Eldar had failed to achieve in life- the complete route of the Naugrim back to Erebor. For so loathsome and abhorrent and mind-numbingly gross was the stench that King Flett and his sorely depleted ranks were driven to a madness- a fire-setting and axe wielding madness that would have bloodied, blackened and scarred the lands between Mirkwood and Erebor for centuries, had they not already bloodied, blackened and scarred the land irreperably on the way in.
Still, the Elvenking's palace was looted, pillaged and burned. Then it was collapsed, set fire to again, and the ashes were rolled around in.

The return to the Lonely Mountain was made imeasurably more difficult by the numerous, raging wildfires they had set, and the petty, bloody infighting that took place over alledged grievances, both real and imagined. Greatly diminished were they, in both numbers and intelligence, when at last to the Lonely Mountain they returned...
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Postby Major Kong » Wed Mar 17, 2010 6:35 pm

Yes yes yes...I changed my name. Long story short- same king different name completely awesome.

Been hanging out with the know-nothings in Valinor. Holy cats. No wonder those elves live forever. That place is really, really boring, and the Valar are completely wrong about everything.

So I guess the first order of business will be to organize a search party and scour the area for dairy goats. Then maybe we can go burn the rest of Mirkwood down. Other than that, I'm open to suggestions.

All hail King Kong!
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Postby Kethasbro » Mon Oct 24, 2011 11:57 am

"I have a suggestion o great king.... Whatever I'm supposed to say. We need a (Enter dramatic music) festival with drinking and and eating and games and drinking and goats and drinking and cheeses lot's of cheeses and eating and drinking and more goats cheese.... Why are you looking at me like that Just cause I've not been around in a few years. But I'm back and willing to take part in the pillaging of Mirkwood. But I shall need a snack it's taken me three years to tunnel out of those dungeons " Keth paused to look pointedly at Slugwortz.".. Actually the door was unlocked so I tunneled for nothing."
King Kong and every one else present just stared incomprehensibly.
"It's me Keth Hobbit thief, prankster, swimmer and generally anything annoying and mischievous."
still there was nothing but blank stares.
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Postby King_Flett » Thu Dec 01, 2011 5:50 pm

"hot...Hot...HOT...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!'

There is a loud, prolonged crash from the galley followed by brilliant string of expletives.

Enter King_Flett, with all four of the singed and steaming fingers of his right hand in his mouth.

'Mmm. Kethasbro? Kethasbro. We haven't seen you since we stuffed Riot's pillow with your grisly remains.

What news of the SkidderMark?
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Postby Kethasbro » Thu Dec 01, 2011 6:29 pm

"SkidderMark is well. But you know the Skidder court it's the perfect place to court Skidders." *Crickets* *crickets* "Ahem. It has been a long while but after my long confinement I do have one thing to show for it. I no longer have finger prints so you won't be able to prove it when I spike the cheese" * Maniacal giggling* "But it is well met King Flett you seem to be doing well. You all seem to be doing well" He stared around the room at everybody still battle stained faces. "And destroying Mirkwood happened, my haven't we been having fun. but I have three questions. One why was I not a part of this?" Bug eyed stare at Sluggy. "Two. Where is all the food? I'm famished. Three. HAS ANYONE SEEN MY BUNNY SLIPPERS!!!!???"
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