The Wonderful Alliance of Extremely Beautiful and Hot Elves

The varied peoples of Middle-earth at times found unity in their pursuits, and all too often experienced deep rifts. Engage in lively conversations as we banter about the differences between the Alliances, and recruit for our People as well. Remember, keep it friendly.

Postby Riot » Fri Aug 25, 2006 10:45 pm

*watches with the horrified fascination of a trainwreck witness, as E_N attempts to whip/spank J_F with piano wires/paddles*

... :shock:

See, "Mistress Elerreamer of the Latex Elbow-Length Gloves," this is precisely the thing I speak of. Sure, those guys like a tough, badass, phallic-object toting dominatrix to make them lick her boots, but I'm not interested in those submissive types. But hey, if you like them like that, I'll send some of my luckless swains your way. :idea: Though I don't think J_F is one of those, so that whole "bending him to your will with the allure of your pain probably won't work.

****

"Caviar is a fishy ball thing, right?" Aralana wondered.

"Indeed..." J_F coughed. And but for rubbing the orbs of the Larkenstones, he would be lost to Purrina's vast chesty charms.

"B-but he only has two down there," Ed quivered. "Did that biznatch eat them and make a squishy little eunuch out of my sea-faring skirt skink?"

"So we came all this way for nothing?" Mara sulked.

"...RAWR!" the fighting-mad Sea Bear cried, mauling HA, because it was obviously his fault.

"Errr..." S_E was very busy comparing her measurements to those of the statuesque pussy treat queen.

"This is my battle!" Ed growled, baring her perfectly manicured nails. "And it will be settled in the traditional fashion."

Purrina smirked, and all the male members stood erect, and arguably some females quivered as well. "So be it," she purred in her trademark husky, I-wanna-eat-that-plaything voice.

J_F gave a lopsided grin as leather clad attendants brought the scented massage oils out on black satin pillows. Each woman stripped to the waist and took some time to grease herself up.

Riot had taken to slamming the HA yoyo against a nearby stone pillar, obviously bored.

"In the holy tradition of estrogen and Cosmo, I challenge you, Purrina, skank and cold fish, to a cat fight!"

"I accept!" And so they leapt at each other, scratching and screaming...it was a terrible caterwauling that arose from the marble halls of Purrina, but that was nothing out of the ordinary. There was much flashing of white flesh and tearing of silky hair.

"Bimbo!" Ed snarled, backhanding Purrina.

"Trollop!" Purrina cried, clawing Ed's face.

They circled each other a bit, and then rushed each other again.

"Mine are far more spectacular than yours could ever hope to be!" Purrina cackled.

Ed elbowed the massive...pillows...that threatened to smother the very life out of her. They were hard and waxy to the touch.

"Implants...you cheap hussy!" Ed announced, smirking. "Mine are one-hundred percent natural! And it's a well-known fact that men prefer the real thing!"

"Shut up!" Purrina slashed again, enraged. "I have the best chest money can buy, and a myriad of boytoys to amuse me!"

"You know, Purrina, there's this all natural herbal supplement that you could take: bigger cup size or your money back..." Ed purred slyly.

Purrina seemed conflicted as the she tried to direct the circulation of blood from her chest to her brain.

"Perhaps we should have the men of this expedition be the judge of our...qualities." She smiled at J_F.

J_F grinned, slightly dazed.

As both women approached, and J_F reached out, there was the resounding crack of a fist hitting the perfect jaw of Purrina and a fierce shieldmaiden standing between her man and a floozy.

Lark went in fist flying...

"Wow...what a knockout..." J_F murmured, mesmerized. :roll:

Now it's a three-way between the wild women. Will Purrina withstand the doubleteaming? Is Newt really singing soprano? Will Riot the Wiot ever stop using that lump of meat AKA HA as a paddleball????? In fact...will anyone post after this?

Riot
Last edited by Riot on Sat Aug 26, 2006 6:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby elerrina_narloth » Sat Aug 26, 2006 11:32 am

well riot, submissive isn't the word.....more equal to me......rather complex.....they are fine with me being a strong fighter girl and they don't 'submit'...........they like challenges

*********************

Rina watched with a strange feeling of shock as three babes ripped and tore and clawed at each other. A deep disgust filled her for Ed and Purrina. "You go girl Lark!" she yelled and chucked a a rock at the back of J_F's head for his close-to-infidelity. "Jerk!" the rock hit square and he keeled over. 'that will teach you! poor Lark!"
Wifely anger was driving Lark and she coming up on top....yelling and screaming and clawing and hair-ripping all the way.
"At least it's entertaining..." said rina to Mara. Mara nodded, but looked on with about as much disgust as Rina.
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Postby lark » Sat Aug 26, 2006 10:34 pm

It is a well known fact that we Rohan types have a tendency to go a little berserk in battle. :twisted: I can handle my husband on my own.

Riot, that was indeed a new low. :D

~*~

And in the midst of the battle, Lark did observe elerrina stone her beloved, and a fey mood took her. :x “Death, death, death! Death take us all!” Then without taking counsel or waiting to think things through a little, she spurred headlong back into her companions, and blew a horn, and cried aloud for the onset!

Riot, with her clever bear-like instincts, (and because she’d seen Lark do it before) knew what was about to take place, and wisely took up HA to shield herself from the onslaught. For the battle-fury of her fathers ran like new fire in her veins, and all fell as the hoofs of wrath rode over them.( :horse: ) And she sang (off key) as she slew, some stupid bar-song that no one could remember. And when it was over, she stood above the carnage, fell and fair, until at last her senses returned. “Err…what happened to everyone?” :?

Riot came up slowly from what was left of HA. “The good news is, you went berserk and completely annihilated Purrina. The bad news is, you pretty much went off on everyone else too, which actually really isn’t all that bad if you ask me. But no one ever does.”

“Oh.” And Lark did burst into tears…then burst into flames….then burst into tears again and put out the flames, for so was her remorse at the hasty devastation of her companions, and the utter destruction of the Beautiful Hot Elves thread. Until Riot suggested she ply them with liquor to strengthen her apology upon their awakening. :wink:
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Postby HobbitArchitect » Tue Aug 29, 2006 12:57 pm

After having been used countless times as a shield and being whacked around, I really do feel like a Kenny. I just haven't got struck by....BZZZZZZZZ.....lightning. *thud*
:roll:
==================================>

HA, now torn to bits as usual, went into the fetal position.
Oddly enough someone crested the hill dragging a cart of dead mice.
"Bring out yer dead!"

Riot gladly picked up the balled HA and tossed him into the cart.
"You can have this one"

"I'm not dead yet!" the hobbit exclaimed.
==================================>

:P
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Postby elerrina_narloth » Tue Aug 29, 2006 4:41 pm

wow......violence reigns in the hot elves thread.......
soooo Lark, killed your husband too? :shock: maybe you shoulda watched what you were doing, or have a good explanation
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Postby Maranwe-Ar-Feiniel » Tue Aug 29, 2006 4:59 pm

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

*creeps away slowly from the battle fey Lark*


Well, Lark, that's one way to get something new going in a thread... :lol:
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Tue Aug 29, 2006 8:55 pm

J_F staggers over and drags a vaguely humanoid trunk named HA off of the cart; together, propped up by many green and brown bottles that Lark gave to them, they survey the carnage of Purrina's keep. All of their group has regained consciousness, with the exception of Ed, who still lays still in the center of the room.

"Is...ishe...ishe dead?" asks the intoxicated HA.

"Dunno..." replies the rugged dwelf, taking another long pull on a bottle. "She breathin?"

"He...hee...hevee...he..." stammers the hobbit.

"'mon mate...spit it out!" and J_F smote him a mighty slap on the back.

"Hee...Hee-ving...Ball-ooons!" and HA collapses to the floor.

"Yeah...s'like that...breethin..." philosiphied J_F. "C'mon, wake up!" he tries to shake HA awake. "We've got to...*burp*...take charge...*BRAAP*...
keep moovin...*muffled belch*. He props up what he assumes to be HA's head. "Y'see, mate...deep in the belly of every female type is a need...no...a desire..,more ancient than the caves...to yield to the ruthless domination of a magnificent, uncompromising, unapologetic male...*BURP*...a master...like me, frinstance.

J_F wobbles to his feet, drains the last of a bottle and smashes it to the wall, showering HA with chunks of glass.

"Society, of course, gives little scope to the blood needs of the beauties of our race...and these needs, being frustrated, tend to express themselves in severe neurosis, blithering hysteria, and unmitigated hostility."

They both turn their heads, stare in Elerrina's general direction, and cough.
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Postby elerrina_narloth » Tue Aug 29, 2006 10:06 pm

'fine you can laugh at me, or cough...whatever....never mind the fact that YOU'RE DRUNK! good grief! how'd you get a wife to start with?' asked rina with rolling eyes. 'city boys and country girls, God put em in different places for a reason' another roll. She turned to Lark, 'so, is there any good?'
'Would somebody PLEASE cover up Ed!' demanded Mara
'I would, if it wasn't for some drunk blithering idiot' said Rina. HA belched loudly. 'ok, make it TWO drunk blithering idiots. no wonder there's only one bar in two towns where I come from!'
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Postby lark » Tue Sep 05, 2006 8:06 pm

Elerrina…you killed it! You killed the thread! :( Now we have to lynch YOU! *gets rope* :twisted:

ballerina wrote:soooo Lark, killed your husband too?


Actually, I didn’t kill anyone. I simply beat the snot out of everyone. Everyone but Riot, that is. She hid behind what was left of HA. It was a Rohirric battle rage. It happens now and then. :wink:

Then, she wrote:how'd you get a wife to start with?'


He’s a hotty! :love:

and then she wrote:'city boys and country girls, God put em in different places for a reason'


I’m not exactly sure what you mean by this, :? but J_F is a country boy. We have a farm in Ohio with a tractor and chickens and goats and everything. :roll:

at last she wrote:no wonder there's only one bar in two towns where I come from!'


You come from two towns? You must be enormous! :P
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Postby Edhelanna » Wed Sep 06, 2006 2:53 am

"STOP IT!!!" came a deep voice from near the throne.

Everyone gazed in wonder at Newt, amazed that his man-fish bits must still be alive and swimming. His green eyes sparked angrily and he grabbed Purrina by her cat-tail and splattered her against the mincer. "I NEVER HAD EYES FOR ANYONE EXCEPT MY ELFGIRL!"

Distraught, his gills trembling, Newt shoved his way past the gobsmacked forms of many hot Elves to take his beloved Edhelanna in his arms. "Edli...you came to rescue me..." His pretty eyes sparkled like fish scales in the sun as he gently stroked her still-gorgeous-despite-a-few-nasty-scratches cheek.

Lark collected the fallen carcass of her pissed-as-a-fart husband, propped him up against a stone wall. "That'll teach you for being a pervert and a drunk," she muttered. "Right now, I have other fish to fry..." She grasped a caterwauling Ellerina by the neck, strangling her tough talk into a nancy-girl squeak. "YOU...lynching is too good for you, thread-killer and humorless wench. INTO THE CAT FOOD MINCER WITH YA!"

A dozen pussies meandering near the throne looked up with hopeful longing, racing to the mincer and licking their chops as they anticipated freshly ground Elfmeat. The screams were terrible, but mercifully brief as Lark had the sense to throw the obnoxious Elerrina down the mince chute head first. "Well, that takes care of the thread killer...Now, where's that biznatch with the unnatural pontoons?"

Purrina's implants had imploded thanks to Lark's and Ed's well-landed tandem high-kick routine, and she lay in a puddle of silicone. Her once impressive rack was reduced to a pair of red M&M's on a white plate. Riot was having enormous fun whacking Purrina's head with the remnants of H_A wwhile she sat on her stomach. Lark gently persuaded Riot to give up beating Purrina so she could heave her deflated corpse down the mincer. The cats were positively beside themselves, rubbing ecstatically against Lark's legs like fawning politicians over a corporate sponsor.

Newt sat quietly holding his beloved Ed amid the wrack and ruin, willing her to awaken but happy to gaze besottedly at her heaving bosooms.

J_F finally roused himself from the double D whammy and alcohol-induced coma, the fumes and balloons finally clearing from his addled brain. "Tell me it was all a dream and I will wake up in Kansas."

"You wish, boyo, " said Lark. "You gotta LOT of making up to do...better start thinking of new ways to grovel before me, because it's gonna take you a few months to get in my good books after this episode!"

"Of course, whatever you say, my heart's darling," he wheezed, crawling over to kiss Lark's delicate feet.

"So, Fish-boy, how's Ms Oysters Naturale doing? She awake yet?" called Mara from a far corner, happy to remain as far from Lark and the mincing machine as possible.

"Pish and pilchards to you, scabless dogs!" came the rasping hiss from the prone elf-treat in Newt's arms. "I'm just catching my breasts...er, breath."

Newt cried out happily, smothering her in kisses and caviar.

Edhelanna wrapped what was left of her torn clothing into a kind of halter-bikini top. "Y'all seen enough of my Silmarils for one day," she said, as Newt helped her to her feet. He was loathe to let go of her even for one second.

"Well, lads & lassies, now that we have Ed's fish-stick back...and we are rid of Purrina and a few other non-essential personnel, shall we go forth into another adventure?" Riot said, waving H-A's sinews riotously over her head.

Ed grinned slyly at Newt. "Y'all go and have another adventure if you will...I have some fishy business to attend to first...C'mere you sexy tadpole..."

er...yeah.

THE END? :twisted:
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Postby Ilfrith » Sat Sep 09, 2006 7:31 pm

****Ilfrith emerges from lurking as she has followed this thread for months and places a wreath of flowers on Ed's brilliant brow***

"Thank You!! A brilliant, masterful, and possibly one of the entertaining posts I have ever read. You made my day!"

She bows, shakes Ed's hand, and returns to lurkdom.
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Postby Edhelanna » Sun Sep 10, 2006 6:27 pm

*squees over pretty wreath in hair*

Oh thank you, Lurker of Impeccable Taste and Manners. I am in your debt, dear. *bows*

*gets back to snogging tasty fish-boy*
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Postby elerrina_narloth » Mon Sep 11, 2006 12:53 pm

Lark~ oh my bad, field country and mountain country are totaly different, hard to tell the field country from the city folks for me.......and I live in ONE county, which has more than one town in it.

Rina looked around in great confusion and asked, 'what the heck happens now?'
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Postby lark » Mon Sep 11, 2006 2:22 pm

Awesome post Ed! :rofl:

Ilfrith, you should stay and join us! :)

Elerrina, I’m not trying to be offensive, but is English your first language? :? You seem to be missing some of the subtleties of this thread.
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Postby elerrina_narloth » Mon Sep 11, 2006 3:50 pm

what kind of English are we speaking of here? and it might be my mind you seem to find a problem with :)
and I typically prefer threads with a point, so just wondering where the thread is headed next, I don't know, maybe I'm the only person who cares about going in a direction......I always have been told I was obsessive compulsive though...... :?
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Postby Edhelanna » Mon Sep 11, 2006 6:19 pm

elerrina_narloth wrote:
Rina looked around in great confusion and asked, 'what the heck happens now?'


read my post. You're cat food. Or are you speaking to us from the Halls of Mandos? :twisted:
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Postby elerrina_narloth » Mon Sep 11, 2006 7:51 pm

my task is not yet done....I was sent back to complete it :thppt: sorry to disappoint you...... :twisted:
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Postby Edhelanna » Mon Sep 11, 2006 7:53 pm

yes. I am disappointed. Lark shoulda run you through the mincer twice, just to be certain.

Can you please go and get some grammar lessons first? Or at least follow the line of the story? It's a pain in the glutes trying to recapture the mood of a story once you've killed it with personal interjections... :roll:
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Postby elerrina_narloth » Mon Sep 11, 2006 8:30 pm

as long as I am not given reason :wink:
and if you insist on everyone being dead, then there is no story line if you take my meaning :wink:
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Postby Edhelanna » Mon Sep 11, 2006 8:32 pm

Not everyone. Just you.

Fitting end for a thread-killer, don't you think? I'm sure the other hotties here will agree... :twisted:
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Postby elerrina_narloth » Mon Sep 11, 2006 8:35 pm

I'm invincible.......sorry to disappoint you :thppt: others have tried killing me too..... :twisted:
pity the thread-killer-exterminator didn't work
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Mon Sep 11, 2006 8:43 pm

No you're not. I can see you plain as the protuberances on Ed's chest.

8)
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Postby Edhelanna » Mon Sep 11, 2006 8:47 pm

We DO have a distinct learning disability here, don't we, E-N? You're not hot sh!t - you're just a cold fart warming up...

Do they have Mod-Gods here who ban annoying pests in threads? Can we call them in, we have a major cockroach problem. The microwave isn't working & it keeps coming back to life... :roll:
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Mon Sep 11, 2006 8:54 pm

Get it? Invincible-invisible? Get it? Get it?
Okay. I'm done.

Will you kick my butt next? I've got money...
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Postby elerrina_narloth » Mon Sep 11, 2006 8:58 pm

do we have a distinct learning disability J_F? :? just curious
maybe I'm not............actually I know I'm not..........and I don't really care, and least I am not running around naked :roll:
and no......a little to tired
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Postby Edhelanna » Mon Sep 11, 2006 9:04 pm

Stop plagiarising MY WORDS, insect.

Here is what J_F & I mean in P L A I N E N G L I S H...

You've officially been killed off. Stay dead.
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Postby elerrina_narloth » Mon Sep 11, 2006 9:06 pm

that's fine with me :lol: you'll never see me in this thread again...... :rofl: :rofl: :happydance: :happydance: :happydance: :happydance: :clap: call me weird
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Postby Edhelanna » Mon Sep 11, 2006 9:09 pm

See, J_F? there is hope still that the inherently imbecilic CAN learn....



eventually.


Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out, Elerreamer... :twisted:
Call you weird? You wish you were. You're a try-hard wannabe who'll never be anything but obnoxious. Don't call us, we'll call you.

All congratulations from fellow hottie elves will be accepted. 8)
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Postby Riot » Mon Sep 11, 2006 9:21 pm

Wow, guys really do like tough girls, assuming they have the rubber dress-up gear, leather goods, and Amsterdam-approved tools... :shock:

I saw this and I LAUGHED and I LAUGHED and...boy, did I laugh. Those anencephalic backwater chicks sure make a case for eugenics.

And so, Elerrina Threadkiller was browbeaten and outwitted at every turn and one-liner, though she had not the good breeding to notice it. And though Edhelanna Tongue-lasher had completed her task with the greatest pride and competence, her opponent had not the wits to see the light. Edhelanna had peeled, salted, and driven the poor simpleton through the streets with spiked planks...Thus, though Elerrina was left with her life, her repute was greatly reduced. Never again would she torment others with her legendary density. Never more would she mutilate the English language in the presence of this company. Never again, would she be anything more than a mere annoyance, like a cloying buttnugget...Her task was not yet done, but she is gone, and I may put the holy water and shotguns away.

Lark and J_F also say congratulations...though they've run off to their bedroom and I'm not going to speculate on anything...like what are they doing? And why do they need so many extension cords? And who is that masked man? :shock: :P

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Postby Edhelanna » Mon Sep 11, 2006 9:31 pm

Ahhh, dearest Riot...thou art well-named, for that post was indeed, a RIOT! :hug: :rofl:

Has it really gone? Did my insults finally add injury? :twisted:


"cloying buttnugget"...THE BEST description of Ms Cold Fart Upstart from Cretinville EVER!!! :lol:
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