The Wonderful Alliance of Extremely Beautiful and Hot Elves

The varied peoples of Middle-earth at times found unity in their pursuits, and all too often experienced deep rifts. Engage in lively conversations as we banter about the differences between the Alliances, and recruit for our People as well. Remember, keep it friendly.

Postby Ilfrith » Tue Sep 12, 2006 2:46 pm

I'm neither hottie nor elf, but I must add my congratulations to the list.

I'd liken it to ridding oneself of a most painful condition involving the posterior.

I will retreat now again and enjoy the incredible literary exploits of this thread without annoyance.

Thanks, Ed!! :thumbsup:
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Postby Riot » Sat Sep 16, 2006 4:25 pm

And so...new quest?

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Postby Edhelanna » Sun Sep 17, 2006 6:48 pm

I'm afraid that you will have to 'quest' without me for the next two months, as Fish-boy and I are off to Middle Earth (literally! - I'm going to New Zulland for a two-month snowboard mission and LOTR locations grand turismo) Pity you can't load photos up here - I will actually be standing on the bridge at "lothlorien" wearing my Elfy dress...)

So...feel free to explore the possibilities of a quest (just remember, like the Governator, I'll be back...) :twisted:

namarie!
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sun Sep 17, 2006 7:26 pm

Bridge at Lothlorien? :?
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Postby Edhelanna » Sun Sep 17, 2006 7:39 pm

You know, in the garden when they're getting on the boats in FOTR? That location is Fernside, a private residence - the bridge is still there, minus all the elfy decor...

attention to detail. Plus I have the Ian Brodie "Locations of LOTR" book...my travel necessity! :lol:
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sun Sep 17, 2006 7:57 pm

Oh- you mean where Pippin farted?

Let us know when you return (if you return).

We will give you a PM, if you promise to

share your pics and Kiwis with us.
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Postby Edhelanna » Sun Sep 17, 2006 8:08 pm

BUAHAHA!! hobbit farts! Exactly the place!

I will definitely stay in touch (somehow!) - I'll be back at work on 27 november (two whole months away from this place...joy!) and with any luck, I shall encounter Kiwi elf-boys to play with...not keepsies (unless Legolas himself happens to come by to sweep me off my delicate Elfy feet (of course, my silmarils will probably poke him in the eye when he does!)

Ahhh....to ride in Rohan, view the Misty Mountains (and snowboard 'em!) and hang in Hobbiton inhaling Harringtons...
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Postby lark » Mon Sep 18, 2006 10:14 pm

That sounds like an amazing vacation! :) Have a lovely time Ed! This place won’t be the same without you.

Riot, I’d still like to do the board-game quest/adventure/RP/thing but I know we never worked out the details. I’m too tired tonight, but I’ll try to come up with something soon. :)
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Postby Maranwe-Ar-Feiniel » Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:40 am

What?! NZ?! Lucky....
So, how much is that costing you? (maybe I'll just start saving now for something like....for my 45th b-day...)

Yes, we need a quest!! Maybe we should have something involving..um...handsome slaves....exotic locations....champangne...drunken revelry....and that kinda stuff.... :P
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Postby Riot » Mon Sep 25, 2006 8:52 pm

MAF: You mean you don't get that stuff IRL? Aren't you in college????

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Postby Maranwe-Ar-Feiniel » Tue Sep 26, 2006 8:05 am

In REAL life? Heck no. Being in cmmunity college, where I don't know any one, and being introverted... :roll:

And whist I love champange, exotic locations, and handsome slaves, all that is difficult to obtain in OK. :|

Ed, send soe this way, huh?
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Postby Edhelanna » Wed Oct 04, 2006 9:44 pm

hello my beautiful Elven friends!! Here I am in "sunny" Middle earth! The elves are few & far between here (mostly Orcs left... :roll: )
But the SCENERY is breathtaking...in fact, as I'm driving along, with LOTR soundtrack pouring into my pointy little ears, I am moved to tears over the beauty of this place! And today was my first day on the road driving!

I did the "Edoras" tour a couple of days ago...oh man, I was gasping as we came over the hill and saw "mt Sunday"!!
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Postby Riot » Sun Oct 08, 2006 12:11 am

MAF: Oh...deepest sympathies. Well, considering the deepest thing about me is my voice...I doubt that's much comfort. Still...

Ed: Bring us some cannibals. Unless they have some in Australia.

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Postby Johnny_Flett » Thu Oct 12, 2006 8:45 pm

I think you're thinking of New Guinea...that's where the good longpig come from...

I doubt Ed will be back...rumour has it that she has been captured by the Maori, and is being worshipped as "the White Goddess", in accordance with the prophecy.
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Postby lark » Sun Oct 15, 2006 3:37 pm

What does Riot want with cannonballs anyway? :? :P
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Tue Oct 31, 2006 10:46 pm

Thus befell the first sundering of the Hot Elves. For the erogenous Edhelanna, who channeled the spirit of the thread in her nutsy, gutsy, lusty and busty design, departed to follow Gil, whom the elves called Finrod in their own tongue; she was known ever after as the Aussie, after a famous Sprunch Spray that was fashionable at the time. But the rest preferred the starlight, wide spaces and affordable, disposable products of Middle Earth; and those were the Yankees, the Insatiable, and they were sundered in that time from the Aussie, by oceans, continents and a lot of other really huge crap, to meet never again until many ages were past.

Here ends the THANKSAMILLION. If it has passed from the high and the beautiful to the highly dark and the beautifully ruined, that was as always the fault of Somebody Else; and if any change shall come and the Butchering be amended, Manwe and Varda may know; but they shall never reveal it, under threat of annihilation by the lawyers of J.R.R. Tolkien Estate Limited. :wink:
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Postby Riot » Tue Nov 07, 2006 7:43 am

Come back Edhelanna! You've been nominated for the best boo- I mean n00b!
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Postby Elfkin » Fri Nov 10, 2006 7:14 am

((Ed -- wow, you get to go to NZ? :shock: That is so cool. Have a brilliant time!))

Without warning, someone spoke.

"Pssst! Hey, guys! Guys!"

Lark stared to and fro, her eyebrows quizzically quirked. "Did anyone else hear that, or am I going out of my mind?"

"Yes," replied Riot simply.

"Up here!"

"Hell's bells, I thought we'd gotten rid of her," groaned Riot, who had recognised the voice. The group looked up into a tree, where an osprey was glaring down at them. Nothing personal, but because ospreys just generally have glary faces. Riot aimed a bazooka at it. "Sod off, Elfkin."

The osprey gulped, and then said: "Uh, how'd you know it was me?"

"Apart from the fact that ospreys are freshwater birds, not native to this climate?" asked Riot. "You've still got hairy feet." Her trigger-finger was twitching.

"Ahh!" Elfkin waddled backwards, trying to hide in the foliage. "Don't shoot! I was just looking for you guys, to show you something. It's this thing..." There was a thud as she kicked it with her little birdy foot, and another as it hit the ground and the lid burst open. It was some kind of game, a sort of mix of Boggle, Scrabble, Ludo and Tiddlywinks. According to the label, it was entitled "The Evil Game".

"And," added the halfling halfling, "since I recently discovered that my father was not in fact an elf but a shapeshifter posing as an elf and that I can subsequently change my form..." (pause to breathe) "...I can join your little group!"

There was a crash of thunder and a blinding flash, and the whole company had to shake their heads, blinking out the afterimages. Elfkin did the same, still perched in her tree as an osprey.

"That wasn't me," she clarified. "I, uh, I have no idea what the heck that was. Anyway..."

She swelled and grew, feathers melting into flawless skin and golden hair, and suddenly in her place was a startling vision of beauty, with fluttering eyelashes, creamy skin, curves in all the right places and legs from here to ya-ya.

The personification of loveliness glanced down and daintily clutched a branch. "Uh... a little help? I don't like heights."
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Postby Maranwe-Ar-Feiniel » Fri Nov 10, 2006 6:38 pm

Mara snatched a pike from the limp hands of the ogling J_F. Lark was looking dangerous. That was the problem with shape shifters. They had yet to figure out a way to shift WITH CLOTHES.
The way to solve the problem was obvious.

After several prods, the creamy skinned...elf fell into the shrubbery below.
Squeals, grunts, and other such sounds of pain, disgust, and irritation emanated before she emerged. Her once flawless skinn bespoke of the nature of the poisen ivy, and she glared at Riot.

"What? For once, someone else did it."

After mumbling, there was another flach and crach, and she was back to an osprey.
A fuzzy footed ospery.

"Well, are we going to play The EVIL Game?"
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Postby Riot » Fri Nov 10, 2006 11:31 pm

"The Evil Game?" Riot scoffed.

"No, no," Mara corrected. "THE EVIL GAME."

"Eh, they both work?" Elfkin shrugged, as best as an osprey could.

"Well I think a nice, normal, boardgame would do the company good. Remember how well "Clue" went?" Lark advocated cheerfully as the company made their way back to the boat.

"The Evil Game?" Riot repeated.

"Well, a not-so nice, abnormal board game might be fun as well," Lark continued as they boarded the ship.

"And we have a long trip home," Elfkin interjected hopefully.

J_F had remained strangely silent, so Mara unwisely asked his opinion. "What do you think?"

"What's it rated?"

As Elfkin lacked opposable thumbs, Mara was forced to turn the osprey-crap encrusted box over. "It isn't."

J_F smirked. Lark rolled her eyes.

"Well then why not, we'll have a way to pass the time on the way back to our not-so humble abode."

And thus, after much bickering, cajoling, and a bit of osprey-plucking, the company settled down in deck chairs with a supply of sweetmeats, liquor, and tasty hors d'oerves.

The fabled game was set in the midst of them on a crate and after even more bickering about who would go first, the group decided on Lark.

"Now wait a minute, is this one of those "everyone plays the game and dies a week later or something," things?" Riot wondered.

"Or maybe it's one of those "you have to finish the game or your soul is sucked into the great gnawing void" things," Elfkin postulated, having evolved into a marmoset.

"Or maybe it's just a novelty board game with a stupid name," Lark said impatiently. As she opened the box, the skies grew dark, and a cold chill went through those present.

"This isn't Ouija!" J_F snapped, and the temperature went up just a wee bit.

There was no instruction book, but there were was a heavy mithril board, etched with a long winding path and all sorts of monstrous decorations. There were fell beasts, trolls, hairy Scottish bagpipers, each more disturbing than the last. The writing was not one that one that the players could read, though Riot swore it was a pidgin of Black Speech and High Elvish. A miniature palantir sat in the center ominously.

"This doesn't seem very child friendly," Lark observed. J_F only rubbed his hands together, smirking.

There were exactly eight pieces, for Mara, Elfkin, J_F, Lark, Riot, and even Ed, HA, and S_E, should they return in time for their turns.

The markers were also composed of heavy mithril, each bearing a striking resemblance to the player. Some noted, with amusement, that Ed's metal figure was too top-heavy to stand.

"Oooh! I wanna be J_F!" Mara announced, perhaps a little facetiously.

"Who doesn't?" J_F smirked.

"Now that's just creepy," Lark observed. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"No," Riot stated flatly, "But what else are we going to do on the way home? The rum's gone."

Sighing, Lark picked up the rather fetching miniature of herself and placed it on the board. There was a crack of thunder, and a cloud began to swirl in the crystal ball. Spidery letters formed, still in the Black Speech/Quenya pidgin.

"Well that's just great," J_F sneered. "We can't even read it!"

Elfkin tapped the ball with her paws. It went fuzzy, but then a naked dancing troll appeared, signifying a loading screen.

"Wow, this really is an evil game," Mara winced, rubbing her eyes.

The boat rocked gently, and letters appeared in the globe once more.

"Beginners luck, what a coup/Go on, jump ahead by two/ For now nothing happens to you." Lark shrugged and moved her piece ahead two spaces.

Elfkin cheerfully put her piece on the board. As of the moment it was shaped like a furry little monkey. "Well foolish traveler, make your choice/ Go to your death or show us your voice/Surive and move ahead 4....errr, that doesn't rhyme! And how do I show my voice?"

"I think they want you to sing," Mara winced.

"Oh."

"I vote for the dying part," Riot commented.

"Ummm..." Elfkin, not quite willing to risk life over something as trivial as dignity, burst into a folk-cum-opera-cum-heavy metal-cum-howling gibbon rendition of Greensleeves.

The results were too horrible to transcribe.

Twenty minutes later...

Riot cautiously placed her piece on the board. Her ring buzzed ominously, or at least painfully. She cursed and read the following: "The troll comes to avenge his brother/Take the blame or point to another/ Maybe you'll move ahead 3 evil squares." She shook her head, still wondering as the heavy thudding of footsteps approached. The company stared in horror as the dancing troll from before lumbered in, carrying a very unfriendly club.

"He did it," Riot said without hesitation, booting HA passed the troll. The hobbit immediately started screaming and took off with the troll not too far behind.

There was an odd silence.

"What?" Riot defended. "I gave him a kickstart."

Mara swallowed, "Umm...I don't know if I want to play any more."
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Postby Elfkin » Sat Nov 11, 2006 9:21 am

"I shall go next," declared J_F, placing down his generously-proportioned marker. "What's the worst that could happen?"

The mists swirled mysteriously in the depths of the Palantir, parting to reveal these words, floating in darkness:

If you're a miss, you're gonna love this.
But if you're a dude, then you are so screwed.


"What's that all abou..." began Mara in a worried voice. But she was interrupted by Riot's deafening guffaw. The ranger was helpless with laughter, one hand waving limply at J_F...

...who was sitting, his mouth open, staring in a general downwards direction. His anatomy was... somewhat altered. His eyelashes had already been long, but now they stretched out beyond his nose-tip. Twin pink cat-ears and a dainty pink cat-tail poked out of his head and posterior respectively. And other, similarly interesting changes had taken place. He'd gone in at the waist, like an hourglass, and out at the... chest.

Staring down in fascination, J_F started, possibly even subconsciously, to bounce where he sat.
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Postby lark » Sun Nov 12, 2006 8:57 pm

:shock:
Lark blinked, then blinked again. “Err…J_F? Are you okay?”

“Sah-weeet!” He exclaimed, looking up from his bouncing and getting to his feet. He then sashayed around the deck, swinging his hips and swishing his tail in an exaggerated motion. “Check it out girls! This is how it’s done!” He said, finishing with a bawdy hip bounce. :wink: “You can call me Chesty McHotpants!”

Lark buried her face in her hands. “How are we going to change him back?” She squeaked.

Riot shrugged. “Maybe if we finish the game, everything will go back to the way it was.”

“Do you really think so?”

“No. But we got nothing better to do. You’re up Mara!”

Mara looked at the board nervously. The Palatir swirled mysteriously, and slowly the words appeared once more. Mara gulped and took a deep breath before reading the iridescent words. Stand your ground, and draw your swords/defend yourselves from fighting hordes/of vicious green and yellow gourds. “…gourds?”

No sooner had the words left her mouth then a rumbling shook the deck of the ship. They all jumped to their feet and drew weapons, none of them sure from what direction the sound was coming. The water began to boil, and suddenly, from up out of the sea came a great fearsome horde of…GOURDS!

“You’ve got to be kidding!” Riot said dryly as the others looked at each other in astonishment, but there was no denying it. There were bottlenecks, birdhouse and enormous bushel gourds, not to mention an assortment of squashes and zucchini, all of which were unusually large, and extremely dangerous looking.

“Fear not!” Called J_F, brandishing his sword and bearing his claws. “Lark always packs plenty of butter and brown sugar when we go on voyages. This should be no problem!”
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Postby Riot » Tue Nov 14, 2006 8:11 am

Great toothsome summer squash and zucchini bounced aboard the ship. Riot forgot what most of the other ones were called, only that they were sort of edible and that there were no pumpkins.

“Great,” she whined, “of all the gourds we get thrown our way, there are none so tasty and deliciously spiced as the pumpkin. But that’s orange, and there’s no way that they could have put orange in that rhyme, is there?”

“Nothing rhymes with orange,” Mara pointed out, viciously dicing a stray spaghetti squash with admirable vigor.

“But the placement wasn’t part of the rhyme scheme,” Riot sulked, kicking a meaty zucchini and wedging her foot way into where its…seeds would be. She hopped around, trying to dislodge her foot as she hacked the tops off of peevish acorn squash.

“At least they’re seasonal?” Mara shrugged.

Lark was fiercely (and neatly) slicing up acorn squash. “We don’t have enough cinnamon for pumpkins anyway, Riot!”

Elfkin curiously took a large bite out of a round plump gourd. When nothing screamed, “Ah my NADGERS!” she spit it out, disappointed. “Pttoey! It’s all bitter and gunky and fills my mouth with strange gooey non-goodness.”

“…Well usually we cook them before devouring their bouncing, warty carcasses,” Lark explained gently as she decapitated a set of Hubbard squash.

“Bouncing?” J_F cried. “They ain’t got nothing on these!” Boing-oing-oing…

Elfkin shrieked as a large yellow squash swallowed her whole.

“Oh no!” Lark cried in dismay. “She'll have to eat her way out! (Unless she's smart enough to shapeshift into a giant gourd-squishing hippo) Butter! We need butter and brown sugar, stat!”

“Errr…” Riot was shocked into inaction long enough for a particularly large and loathsome gourd to squash her against the mast.

Fortunately, Mara was on her way below deck, to go to the galley and retrieve copious amounts of butter and spice…right?
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Postby Maranwe-Ar-Feiniel » Thu Nov 16, 2006 9:14 am

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Trying to read this at school with out causing a scene....It halarious!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dodging jimmy and Jerry, Leg-O-Lamb and the other elf, Mr. Nezzer, Larry, Larry-Boy and other Lord of the Beans and co. clones, and passing through what appeared to be a mosh pit of chayote, Mara finally managed to squeeze through a hatch to the lower decks. The kegs of butter and spice, she remembered with a groan, were located in the stem and the stern.

"Why do they always do that?"

Suddenly, a battalion of baby cucumbers, armed to the teeth, found the main hatch and swarmed below, ready to seek out and serve on dainty sandwiches with tea all who stood in their way.
"Grar! Human! You have for centuries sliced us, diced us, stuck us in brine and made cucumber sandwiches, prepare to meet your Pickler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


"Wait, are you...things even squash or gourds? And how are you brandishing weapons with out arms?"

"Errr....."

With that, Mara proceeded to slice, dice, and stick in brine with a little bit of sugar, salt, and spices.

"Mmmmmm. Relish."

Suddenly the sounds of veggie thunks on good steel brought her from her proud moment of triumph, and she went to fetch the butter and spices.

She stacked the kegs atop each other, and wobbled out on deck. The battle was frierce, and the cries of the humans were fast being lost under the triumphant......thumping of the gourds.

Sticking a couple dozen frozen butter balls into a handy ten pounder cannon, she loaded over that a variaty of spices, and a small amount of gunpowder for firing purposes only.With that, she held a small, glowing ember, creativly pulled from Eru knows where, and held it to the fuse.......
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Tue Nov 28, 2006 11:13 pm

What Aren'twe Thar Finally did not know, and could not have known, was that that particular cannon had already been loaded with powder; in fact, about twenty times the normal amount. It was to have been part of an elaborate plan involving HA, a narwal, and a length of rope.

The massive concussion and displacement of air flattened everything on the deck; the blast filled the sails (it snapped several crossbars and wreaked havoc on the rigging), sending the galleon scudding across the waves at an incredible speed. The frozen butterballs had ripped through the ranks of the gourds like tissue paper; the decks were strewn with the shattered rinds of scalloped, smooth, ridged and warty gourds.

Lark shook Elfkin back to consciousness. It took several minutes before her hearing returned enough for her to discern what she was saying.

"J_F...murmur...you...mumblemumble...foredeck...meh...hurry!"

Her equilibrium was still off but she managed to slide her way through the puree' to the foredeck. There she saw J_F kneeling over the body of a large pumpkin; it's rind was rent; a pool of ghastly pulp and seeds covered the deck.

"It's time you were told..." began J_F. "This giant, mutant pumpkin here, this pumpkin...is your mother! And I... I am your father! Do you now understand my little pumpkin elf? Meine liebe Elfkin?"
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: Elfkin tried hard not to scream. Had she been living a lie? Had her childhood memories been all part of an elaborate hoax? A sorcerer's spell to make her believe that she had actually lived a somewhat normal life? She did love to curl her toes in the warm ground, and had for some reason always been over-fond of climbing fences...

"But...but my size...and...and my gnarly, hairy feet..." she began.

"I'm half dwarf remember. You ever see a dwarf naked? Nobody has. They're covered with hair. And their feet! Ugh! Disgusting! If they weren't at the end of their legs...you just favor your grandfather, Bladdathor, the son of Gladdabag. The Scourge of Drengist. Ever hear of him?"

Elfkin screamed and screamed and screamed until Maranwe hit her in the head with a chair to get her to shut up...
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Postby lark » Wed Nov 29, 2006 8:23 am

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

:shock:

So, you……..and a pumpkin……why are men so weird?
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Postby Elfkin » Thu Nov 30, 2006 1:57 am

Elfkin stared, open-mouthed, gobsmacked at the realisation that with one fell swoop J_F had achieved the impossible in making her family tree even MORE convoluted. She tried to work this out. So now she was... half elf half hobbit half 'Sue half Ranger half dwarf half... pumpkin... and Eru only knew what else... And she had this J_F, this thing, this Fabio's stinkier twin as (yet another) father??? How could this be?!?!?!?!?!?!

Her eyes crossed with the effort of thought, and there was the distinct, worrying sound of something snapping.

Elfkin looked up with shining anime eyes at her long-lost father. There was a short, hairy blur, and suddenly she was attatched to his leg (being as she couldn't reach his waist), huggling him with all her might. "Daddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" she squealed. She looked up at him adorably and imploringly. "Daddy, I love you so much! Daddy, can I have a pony?"
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Postby lark » Sat Dec 02, 2006 8:02 pm

Chesty McHotpants wrote:And I... I am your father!


*giggles* Look again. I think you mean mother! :rofl:

Disturbing as it is, welcome to the family Elfkin! :hug:

:mightysquid:
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Postby Elfkin » Sun Dec 03, 2006 4:05 am

Yay, thanks, Lark! ^^ :grouphug: Wow... I now have two fathers, three mothers and more siblings than I dare to count... And that's not even counting that impostor thing called RL... :shock:

Eh, disturbing is good. 8) I like disturbing.
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Postby Riot » Wed Dec 06, 2006 8:50 am

Ewww, that makes Elfkin like...related to me as well.

*goes to apply chlorine to her gene pool*

Riot
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Riot
Ranger of the North

 
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