The Silmarillion in 1000 words

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The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Postby Ivriniel » Wed Jan 03, 2007 4:32 pm

I looked for this in the search, but didn't find it, so I figured I'd post it. It's fun. :)

AINULINDALE:

ILUVATAR: Ahem.
AINUR: Wow! Existence!
ILUVATAR: *blows pitch pipe* LA!
AINUR: LA LA LA!
ILUVATAR: LA LA!
AINUR: LA LA!
MELKOR: This sucks. BUM BUM BA DUM!
AINUR: Um. . . la?
ILUVATAR: Ahem. LA!
MELKOR: Boop bop-a-doo-bop!
ILUVATAR: LA, dammit.
MELKOR: Bwam bardle ningle boom.
AINUR: . . .
ILUVATAR: Right, you're out of the band.
MELKOR: Fine, I was leaving anyway.
AINUR: . . .
ILUVATAR: What are you waiting for?
AINUR: Oh. Right. Newly created world. Sorry. Great jam session, big guy!
ILUVATAR: Yeesh.



VALAQUENTA:

MANWE: I'm in charge!
VARDA: I'm Manwe's spouse. And queen of the stars!
NAMO: I do death and fate. They call me Mandos.
VAIRE: I'm Namo's spouse. I weave things.
IRMO: I have gardens. They call me Lorien.
ESTE: I'm Irmo's spouse. I take care of the gardens.
YAVANNA: I make things grow.
NIENNA: I'm sad.
ULMO: I live in the ocean.
AULE: I'm Yavanna's spouse. I've got a great big hammer! I made dwarves.
NESSA: I dance.
OROME: I hunt!
VANA: I'm Orome's spouse. I make living things happy.
TULKAS: I'm strong. I'm Nessa's spouse. I got here last.
MELKOR: I'm bad, momma, I'm ONE BAD MUTHA-
TULKAS: Grar.
MELKOR: Um. Yeah. Hiding now.



QUENTA SILMARILLION:

VALAR: Hey! Ilmaren! Party on the island, everyone!
MELKOR: Bah. Too bright. *builds fortress, kicks over lamps*
VALAR: AUGH! *flee to west*
MELKOR: Hu hu hu.
VALAR: Oooooh SHINY TREES! Yavanna made shiny trees!
YAVANNA: Yep! Aren't they pretty?
MELKOR: Want shiny.
VALAR: Nope.
MELKOR: Why not?
VALAR: Because you're a jerk.
ELVES: Oh hey, stars. Shiny!
MELKOR: Oh hey, breeding stock.
ELVES: AUGH!
UNGOLIANT: Want shiny.
MELKOR: Let's go get shiny.
FEANOR: I've made more shiny!
VALAR: Good, 'cos Melkor took ours. Can we have yours?
FEANOR: No! MY SHINIES! MINE!
VALAR: Aw, !&*()!@&)!(&.
MELKOR: Got the shinies!
UNGOLIANT: Not enough shiny. Want more shiny!
MELKOR: You can't have 'em.
UNGOLIANT: Grar.
MELKOR: Eeek! *runs*
FEANOR AND SONS: We're gettin' our shinies back. And YOU CAN'T HAVE 'EM, Valar!
MELKOR/MORGOTH: No you're not. *stabbity fiery burny death*
BEREN: Ooo! Pretty elf lady!
THINGOL: You can have her if you ... BRING ME A SHINY!
BEREN: Worth a shot.
LUTHIEN: La la la
MORGOTH: Ooo baby... *zzz*
BEREN: Got your shiny!
MORGOTH: you bunnyslipper! I stole those fair and square!
CARCHAROTH: Grar.
BEREN: Ow!
THINGOL: Got the shiny?
BEREN: 's in my hand.
THINGOL: And?
BEREN: Hand's not here.
THINGOL: Crap, I really wanted that shiny.
CARCHAROTH: GRAR!!!!
BEREN: *dies*
LUTHIEN: *dies* La la la.
MANDOS: ... oh all right.
LUTHIEN: *returns to life*
BEREN: *returns to life*
LUTHIEN: Beren! Look! The shiny! In a necklace!
FEANOR'S SONS: *mutter*
LUTHIEN: *dies again*
BEREN: *dies again*
DIOR: Oo, Mom's shiny!
FEANOR'S SONS: WANT SHINY!
DIOR: *dies*
ELWING: Eek! *grabs shiny, runs*
FEANOR'S SONS: !*&(!)&)*!.
EARENDIL: Hey. Nice shiny. Yo! Valar!
VALAR: Well FINALLY. *stomp stomp stomp*
EARENDIL: Wow, planetary orbit!
MORGOTH: Eek!
VALAR: Got your shinies!
MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: You mean OUR shinies!
VALAR: Oh *!&(!&).
MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: Ow! Burny shinies!
MAEDHROS: Fine. This sucks. *jumps into chasm*
MAGLOR: Um... not really looking forward to meeting Dad again... *chucks shiny into sea* Bye. *wanders off*
VALAR: Well... um... okay.



AKALLABETH:

VALAR: Thanks for helping with Morgoth, Edain! Have an island! Elros is in charge!
EDAIN: Cool!
VALAR: Don't come looking for us.
EDAIN: Okay.
ELVES OF TOL ERESSEA: Have our stuff!
NUMENOREANS: Neat! Ooo, Middle-Earth!
GIL-GALAD: Dudes. Good to see you.
NUMENOREANS: Yeah, same here. What's going on?
GIL-GALAD: War with Sauron mostly.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Shiny tall wonderful wise sea-king dudes! Yay!
NUMENOREANS: Here, have some stuff and wisdom.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: < 3 < 3 < 3
NUMENOREANS: Life is cool. Why do we have to die?
ELVES: You're human?
NUMENOREANS: Can the Valar fix that?
VALAR: No.
NUMENOREANS: That sucks. Go away.
ELVES: Fine.
ELENDILI: Hey! Over here! We still like you!
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Gosh, we're lonely.
NUMENOREANS: Whatever, give us your wealth and your children.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Um, okay.
ELENDILI: This isn't gonna end well, is it?
ELVES: No.
TAR-PALANTIR: We're sorry?
GIMILKHAD: *I'm* not.
AR-PHARAZON: Thanks for the throne, dude.
TAR-MIRIEL: Hey!
AR-PHARAZON: Shaddap, woman. Sauron, j00 suxx0r! I 0wnz0r j00!
SAURON: Okay.
AR-PHARAZON: Make me immortal.
SAURON: Human sacrifice is good. Also burn that pesky white tree.
AR-PHARAZON: Um. . .
ISILDUR: Hey! White tree! Got your fruit!
SAURON: *makes chicken noises*
AR-PHARAZON: Fine. Tree burn! Fire pretty!
ELENDIL: Isildur, Anarion, get the boats.
AR-PHARAZON: I've got a huge navy! Let's go conquer Valinor!
VALAR: Oh no you don't. *CRASHBANGBOOM*
AR-PHARAZON & CO.: Eeek!
ELENDIL, ISILDUR, ANARION: Wheee!
NUMENOREANS: Arrgh!
NUMENOR: SPLOOSH.
SAURON: Bwa ha ha! Um, where's my body?
ILUVATAR: Did I mention the world is round now?
NUMENOREANS IN EXILE: Well, crap.



OF THE RINGS OF POWER AND THE THIRD AGE:

ELVES: Wonder what's going on over the ocean. This crafting deal is pretty sweet, though!
DWARVES: Yeah, seriously.
ANNATAR: Hi, elves! Wanna learn some cool stuff?
ELVES: Okay!
SAURON: They fell for it.
SEVEN DWARVES: Thanks for the rings! . . oooh, GOLD! MUST HAVE GOLD!
NINE MEN: Neat rings. . . Hey, didn't Mom die like six hundred years ago?
CELEBRIMBOR: Okay, how about we do three more and call it a wrap?
SAURON: How about I do one more and claim them ALL?
ELVES: AUGH!
SAURON: Bwa ha ha!
LAST ALLIANCE OF ELVES AND MEN: Push off.
SAURON: Make me.
ISILDUR: Whack.
SAURON: Ow.
ELROND: Hey, you got his ring. Let's ditch it.
ISILDUR: No.
ELROND: This sucks.
ISILDUR: Tell me about it. *dies*
GONDORIANS: *change calendar*
CIRDAN: Hi, wizards! You in the grey, catch!
SAURON: Okay, that's long enough. Movin' into Dol Guldur.
SARUMAN: It's not him. Also the ring's lost at sea.
RING: No I'm not.
THE WISE: Augh.
THE WEAK: Bad ring! Volcano for you!
RING: *melts*
SAURON: AUGH!
MORDOR: BOOM.
GONDORIANS: *change calendar*
ELROND, GALADRIEL: Road trip!
GANDALF: Hi Cirdan! Still got your ring!
CIRDAN: Cool. Let's go to Valinor!


http://camwyn.livejournal.com/328358.html
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Postby Evenstar_Elfstone » Wed Jan 03, 2007 6:40 pm

:Rofl::rofl::rofl:
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Postby prmiller » Wed Jan 03, 2007 7:59 pm

Well, that was...brief. :)
I do offer my regrets, though.
I've taken the time to read through the Silmarillion at least once.
My students are shocked when they read it.
"It's so different from The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings!"
Yes, it is indeed. Now, thanks to this 1000 word rendering, maybe it might not
be quite so...daunting.
:)
When all around is infant green,
and springtime mud baths soon are seen...
[A picture that would take up too much space
here, but is fun to see...there!]
https://goo.gl/images/oScSWt
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Postby elerrina_narloth » Wed Jan 03, 2007 8:07 pm

:rofl: that's awesome :rofl:
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Postby laureanna » Wed Jan 03, 2007 11:08 pm

What happened to the kinslaying???!!!!
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Postby Nicasam » Wed Jan 03, 2007 11:13 pm

That part was glossed over due to the fact that even the thought of it would have to fill about 300000000000 dictionaries... :twisted:
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Postby darkranger87 » Thu Jan 04, 2007 8:58 am

Not bad. Not bad at all. 8)
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Postby Ilyda » Thu Jan 04, 2007 9:36 am

:rofl:

I've seen this before and favorite placed it. It's still hilarious. I actually forgot I had it saved, so it's been a while since I've read it. Thanks Ivriniel!

(And if I want to prove I'm a really bad Torcer, I haven't actually read The Sim. :angel: That doesn't make it any less funny, though.)
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Postby Ivriniel » Thu Jan 04, 2007 9:47 am

Ilyda wrote::rofl:

I've seen this before and favorite placed it. It's still hilarious. I actually forgot I had it saved, so it's been a while since I've read it. Thanks Ivriniel!

(And if I want to prove I'm a really bad Torcer, I haven't actually read The Sim. :angel: That doesn't make it any less funny, though.)


No, that doesn't prove you're a bad TORCer. Calling "The Sil" "The Sim", might though.... ;)

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Postby rowanberry » Thu Jan 04, 2007 11:37 am

I've read this many times before, and still it makes me laugh. :D :D :D
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Postby MouseofMordor » Sun Jan 07, 2007 12:06 pm

Now, can someone summarize LOTR in 1000 words?
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Postby Gilaglar » Wed Jan 10, 2007 5:16 pm

MouseofMordor wrote:Now, can someone summarize LOTR in 1000 words?


Party walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk run run run bath bath bath walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk run run run run run run run run talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk hide fight walk in the dark fight run away fall run away some more walk walk walk blindfold row row row your boat gently down the stream fight run.

Run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride meet old friend ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride argue ride ride ride hide fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight ride talk about caves ride meet old friends taunt taunt taunt ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride. Walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk climb climb fight fight fight walk walk walk fall in a big puddle walk walk walk walk walk walk walk cook rabbits watch a fight argue argue argue walk walk walk climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb run run fight.

Ride ride talk talk talk let's count some soldiers ride ride walk underground (again) ride ride cross-dress ride ride ride ride ride ride ride wait wait shout at useless son ride ride fight fight run away fight fight fire fire fire woe are we ooh listen - a horn ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight ouch gerroff me horse fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight sail sail fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight woe woe woe burn baby burn not so fast now feel free to burn yourself meet old friends (again) heal heal heal meet old friends (again) talk talk ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride. Fight fight walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb climb ouch fall splash crumble smash rescue sleep party plant a tree party ride ride ride ride funeral ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride ride fight ride ride argue stab arghh plant a tree (again) get old have babies ride sail.
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Postby Ivriniel » Wed Jan 10, 2007 6:33 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

But you left out The Tale of Aragorn and Arwen!

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Postby bellmaker4 » Thu Jan 11, 2007 8:50 pm

But you left out The Tale of Aragorn and Arwen!


Kiss
Leave
Change Mind
Come Back
Kiss

There you go!
Oh, and the story's awesome, too! :rofl: :rofl:
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Postby Gilaglar » Fri Jan 12, 2007 6:21 am

Ivriniel wrote::rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

But you left out The Tale of Aragorn and Arwen!

Ivriniel



I'd used up my 1000 words on the rest of the story. :P
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Postby Ivriniel » Fri Jan 12, 2007 3:58 pm

bellmaker4 wrote:
But you left out The Tale of Aragorn and Arwen!


Kiss
Leave
Change Mind
Come Back
Kiss

There you go!
Oh, and the story's awesome, too! :rofl: :rofl:


I don't think they are any actual kisses in the test of the Tale of Aragorn and Arwen. As far as I recall, Faramir and Eowyn get the only kiss in the entire Lord of the Rings. (So of course, it was left out of the movie version. :roll:)

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Postby Elrohiril » Wed Apr 18, 2007 11:47 am


I don't think they are any actual kisses in the test of the Tale of Aragorn and Arwen. As far as I recall, Faramir and Eowyn get the only kiss in the entire Lord of the Rings. (So of course, it was left out of the movie version. :roll:)

Ivriniel


I know! It's so lame, I love that scene and they pretty much ignored it. Grrr...

Gil, that was very eloquent. :P
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Postby MithLuin » Mon Jun 04, 2007 10:10 pm

All the instances of kisses in LotR (that I know of):
    Sam kisses Frodo's forehead when he finds him in the tower of Cirith Ungol;

    Faramir kisses Éowyn twice in the Houses of Healing, first on the forehead, then on the mouth;

    Frodo kisses Sam, Merry, and Pippin goodbye at the Grey Havens;

    Aragorn kisses Arwen's hand before he dies, in Appendix A.

    Aragorn kisses Boromir's brow just before he dies.

    Aragorn kisses Eowyn's brow in the Houses of Healing.

    Merry kisses Aragorn's hand in the Houses of Healing.

    Merry takes Theoden's hand and kisses it when he offers him his service.

    When Eowyn falls to her knees and begs Aragorn to let her come with them he raises her up and kisses her hand.

    Merry kisses Eowyn's hand when she gifts him with the horn in Many Partings,

    and Sam kisses Frodo's hands before meeting Gollum on Mount Doom.
So, yes, the only "romantic" kiss is Faramir and Eowyn.
(And no, I did not look all those up - I stole them from a thread in Books ;))
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Postby Hiril Elfwraith » Sat Mar 06, 2010 3:46 pm

::bump::

Just because this thread is soo hilarious...

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
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Postby JudyA » Sat Mar 06, 2010 8:17 pm

Whatever happened to Ivvy? :?
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Postby Lebasi » Fri Aug 31, 2012 1:58 pm

*Bump*

More people need to read this. Everyone needs to read it :D
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Postby Isildilmë » Sun Sep 09, 2012 6:04 am

I agree Lebasi ! It is :lmbo: :lmbo: :lmbo: :lmbo:
Thanks for bumping it, I would not have seen it :D
Concerning the Official Tengwar Transcription Thread - VI
To all the newbees, Welcome to TORC !
Before posting anything on this thread, READ THE INTRODUCTION. For now, I didn't have the time to update the intro, so I let you read the intro of thread #IV here.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask in the threads or by email (isildilme@hotmail.com - write "Tengwar" somewhere in the subject in case you fall in my junkmail, because if I don't know, I wont open the message !). Note that I don't accept transcription requests by email, you have to post them here !

You can address yourself to me in French, Spanish or English as you wish.


Special message : I have now two precious sons. They are my priorities, and an additional explanation for the delays in my answers. I WILL answer you... but you might have to wait. Thank you for your comprehension.
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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Postby siddharth » Fri Mar 15, 2013 7:24 pm

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Wowie!!!!

This is the funniest thread in Tom's till now for me!

So *bump* for the others. :D
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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Postby Melwa » Mon Mar 18, 2013 9:25 pm

I agree, this is hilarious! I e-mailed it to a non-TORC friend, and she liked it too.
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