The following is a historical record of events for the Servants of the Secret Fire. Scribes are encouraged to record events of importance, which will then be edited and transcribed to the kinship record by me, the self-designated Chief Historian............of the Secret Fire.
Early April, 2007 The Servants of the Secret Fire were forged in the fires of the ridiculously indignant designs of a diminutive hobbit of uncertain identity, though it is know that he was a direct descendant of the wise, yet debilitatingly obtuse, Bimbo Proudbottom, in the latter part of the Third Age of Middle Earth. Let us call him Biffbo. As rumors of war to the East began to penetrate the impenetrable Shire, they were largely dismissed by the majority of halflings, who continued their usual slumber. However, not all were unaffected.
Biffbo, who at the time was living in a tenuous situation on the border of Buckland and the Old Forest (he had been evicted from his hole for "unacceptable arrogance"), heeded the words of passing dwarves, elves, and the occasional fox, who warned of a great evil approaching. As he prepared for the inevitable onslaught upon his person (for he naturally assumed the War was directed at him, due to his delusional perception of himself as a hobbit of great importance), it seemed to him that a menacing host of foul fly swarms, malicious mice, and belligerent badgers were mustering in the grasslands outside of his humble abode (which was, in effect, a 3-foot hole he had dug for himself, although he will deny this). Rather than cower in fear, or flee to the West, Biffbo placed his tin-foil cap upon his head, and invoked the glory of his ancestors, who were thought to have once possibly known someone who had almost certainly seen, from a safe and respectable distance, the Great Bandobras "Bullroarer" Took. Biffbo's glorious heritage demanded that he fulfill his duty, immediately after he had a bit of breakfast and a couple seed cakes, and of course a generous helping of cold chicken, pickles, buttered taters and yellow cream. Actually, Biffbo had quite a long nap as well, after which he woke up, puffed on his pipe for a bit, napped again for a while, and then set to eating some head cheese leftover from the previous evening.
Following this interlude, Biffbo became very indignant.
After smiting a particularly large squirrel with a ridiculously large ham sandwich (conveniently the only weapon on hand), Biffbo found himself in the throes of a ferocious battle with a great winged beast made of flame and ash and other horrid substances (it was in fact, a small, furry brown bat, but Biffbo continues to deny this). Biffbo grappled with this nameless horror as he hurtled ever downwards, into a seeming abyss, with no beginning or end. Before long, Biffbo and the beast hit a floor of cold water, at which point Biffbo's adversary became a writhing reptilian form. It was horrible and Biffbo was hungry and in need of a nap. Nonetheless, after much drowning and escaping, and running about on snowy mountaintops and falling and hitting and swatting and falling again, Biffbo smote his assailant upon the ground, only to swoon and fall into deep darkness. During this shameful blackout, Biffbo claims to have seen a flame burning in a black void. As he approached it, a deep voice emanating from the flame apparently declared: "Pancake, good. Sauron, bad."
Biffbo awoke transfixed and inspired. The familial pride that had stirred in His heart had been elevated and sanctified. No longer was there simply pride and vengeance. There now lay before Him a duty of the highest order - a Quest in service of Iluvatar. Biffbo gathered all those of high name to his side, placed marmite upon their heads, and dubbed all those who would follow him, Servants of the Secret Fire. All those who would heed the advice of the Flame Imperishable, and stand in opposition to the dark designs of the Dark Lord Sauron (and his late master, Morgoth) were awarded membership to this inimitable brotherhood, provided that they either knew famous people or knew people that knew famous people. There first came Athelian of Rohan, whose grandmother was acquainted with a brave fellow who claimed to have shaken the hand of one whom had (with his bare hands) cleaned the horse dung from Eorl the Young's cousin's stables, and Finduilion, who possessed a painting of someone that was once laughed at by Anarion, son of Elendil. There was also Nogg the Dwarf, who knew a dwarf who knew a dwarf who knew a dwarf who knew a dwarf whose great grand uncle had once been "accidentally slapped" by Dáin I, son of Náin II, the last King of Durin's Folk united. And there were many others of equal importance. Since then, a growing band of enlightened individuals of all races and creeds have been touched (or rather, singed) by the Secret Fire, and have been ridiculously (and indignantly) filling Middle Earth with the sounds of their shrill, yet determined voices.
Since that time, Biffbo has sailed West across the Sea, and sits comfortably on a stack of pancakes, at the right hand of Eru himself (honestly...not joking here). From this august seat, Biffbo declared in a voice that shook the Earth to its very foundations (and promptly had him arrested for violating a noise ordinance) that Athelian the Fair shall acquire all his temporal and heavenly powers, and that all shall grovel before her, and avert their eyes, and praise her with great praise.
-P.S. I, the humble scribe of the Servants, wrote the last paragraph above only under extreme duress. It was dictated to me by Athelian the Cruel, who threatened to turn me into a newt and squash me into jelly if I did not write it, and.....aaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
27, April 2007: The Servants of the Secret Fire (SotSF) is founded by Biffbo, with the assistance of the legendary Ted and John, both veteran Servants of the Secret Fire. There is much rejoicing (and happily, no eating of minstrels).
2 May 2007: The Honourable Dreadnought Fellowship of the Servants of the Secret Fire met for the first time, led by the inimitable Finduilion of Edhellond. Present were Dwin of the Grey Mountains, Calimahir of Umbar, Jenuilas of Lorien, and Furgold of the Iron Hills. Gliid of the Blue Mountains would join in the weeks to come (to be later replaced by his venerable shield-brother, Map of Rohan), making up their full number. Coincidentally, many an orc and garden shrew died on this day. In later days, Dwin would be lost in the wilds of Eriador, and the halfling Hycinth would take his place in the fellowship.
28, June 2007: The very first Servants' Moot (Gathering) occurred outside the Lobelia-occupied Bag End, on the Hill, Hobbiton, the Shire. Despite Lobelia's protestations, the Servants defiantly remained, set off a number of loud fireworks, and were entertained by Calimahir and Finduilion's racketously loud (according to Lobelia), yet beautiful music. The attendees numbered 7, an auspicious figure, given the impending announcement of the Servants' Council of 7. Kix, the most valiant, yet most murderous member of the Servants (he has been known to clear vast forests of their entire squirrel populations), is recorded on this day to have spent the most amount of time he has ever spent not terminating the lives of living creatures. "Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement, unless you are Kix" it has been said. On this glorious summer evening, even Kix was not so eager.
18 July 2007: The Dreadnoughts cleared Broken Alliance without breaking stride, and headed out into the Lone Lands.
21 July 2007: The Very First "Race of the Century" (which it is hoped does not mean there will be no more races for an entire century) took place, under the direction of Jaixiel, the Servants' Chief Representative of the Wise. Their numbers were gloriously few, but a good time was had by all. Matuok the Magnificent finished first, followed closely by Athelian (who may have been closer had she not righteously fallen off a steep cliff), and Kix, the Slayer of All Things Asking to be Slain, finished in 3rd place (probably because he needed to stop and slay a few creatures along the way). A special recognition was bestowed upon Celeodim who braved massive amounts of aggro and still held her own. Gifts, tokens, trinkets and artifacts, some dating back to the days of Numenor, were bestowed upon these brave riders.
14 August 2007: Captivity Remembrance Day, a day marking the mistreatment of Thorin and Company by Thranduil and his men in Mirkwood, is observed by the Servants. Nogg, a dwarf of normally good humor, is reduced to unspeakably violent behavioral outbursts directed at elves and all other manner of animate beings, until he is pacified by the hurling of pork chops and mugs of ale in his general direction.
16 August 2007 The Kinship Treasury Vault is established, in the form of an empty-headed dwarf named "Servants." Nogg and Athelian take an oath of fiscal responsibility, and are given the honorable position of "Treasury Guard."
23 August 2007 Jaixiel , loremaster ordinaire, is chosen, by the Council of the Flame Imperishable to assume the position of Chief Council Servant of the Flame Imperishable and Representative of the Wise. Her head was adorned with the great and Holy Pancake of the Servants, said to have been cooked on the Secret Fire itself! Only one minstrel was harmed during celebrations.
28 August 2007 The Council of the Flame Imperishable holds it's first meeting and Kinship Assembly, attended by Jaixiel, Athelian, Methor, Kix and Nogg. The Secret Fire burned particularly bright on this day (at least, it is guessed that it did, as noone has been able to locate the silly thing).
5 September 2007 The Day the Dreadnoughts Wiped . The Honorable Elite Guard of the Servants of the Secret Fire, yclept the Dreadnoughts, fail to retake Amon Sul on their first attempt, and are shamefully and resoundingly defeated. On their second attempt, however, they triumph gloriously, to the sound of trumpets and fanfare!
27 September 2007 After being bitten by a moose, Jaixiel decides that the trauma is far too great, and steps down from his position as Council Chief. He is replaced by the venerable and bordering on alcoholic dwarf Nogg, who was lured to the throne by the promise of an endless supply of ale and well-seasoned pork chops. Nogg is unanimously supported by the Servants, and there is much rejoicing (this time, a few minstrels reported having been bitten).
30 September 2007 Evanya of the Eldar, one of the fairest (and wealthiest) of the Servant clan, assumes the 7th and final seat of the Council of the Flame Imperishable, having been offered the auspicious office of Chief Market Analyst. Boffo sells her a very large seed cake, which is carefully placed upon her head.
1 October 2007 Hieron the humble is the first to be appointed to the Council's Junior Assembly, and becomes shield-bearer and squire to Methor, his friend of many years.
2 October 2007 Thorin's Homecoming Day (being the anniversary of the return of Thorin Oakenshield to the Lonely Mountain) is celebrated in great numbers and with great cheer, despite the threat of imminent war from the East and the resulting lack of safety on the roads. A great host of dwarves, halflings, men and yes, even elves (including a self-proclaimed "dwelf" who swears he was born at the hands of Aule), numbering 24, an auspicious number, marched from the Halls of Thorin in Ered Luin to Gloin's camp, at the foot of the Misty Mountains, where they were warmly welcomed and where Thorin Oakenshield's name was invoked with honor and pride. Many who were glad and content then departed, as this was indeed the proclaimed end of the journey. However, those whose blood was still hot with pride remained, and thought it wise to march against the fortress of Helegrod. That wisdom resulted in the gloriously horrific deaths of all involved. Twice.
3 October 2007 The Dreadnoughts enter the Great Barrow for the first time, and despite enormous odds (most of all being in a man-down situation for a long period) emerge more or less unscathed.
20 October 2007 On this dark day, the Servants of Sauron, and Morgoth before him, establish an unholy union, dubbing it the Defilers of the Secret Fire. Some say that certain members of the Servants of the Secret Fire spend their nights and evenings cross-dressing as orcs, wargs, Uruks and spiders in service of this horrid horde, though these are certain to be lies and rumours, spread by Sauron and his foul-smelling minions. Skidrow, the leader of this rancid pack, is labelled enemy number one of the Servants. There was much gnashing of teeth and lack of deodorant usage on this day.
24 October 2007 The Servants of the Secret Fire gain a permanent respite from their wanderings in the form of a great dwarven mansion in the depths of the Blue Mountains (Ered Luin), at 5 Roaring Road, in the Grorsval neighborhood of the Thorin's Hall homestead. A more hospitable home, with its roaring hearth, feather beds and emerald green-hued hall of meeting, is not to be found in this dark corner of Middle Earth.
26 October 2007 With direction from Gloin and his son Gimli, Biffbo, accompanied by the trusty, inimicable Adrien (who is also, incidentally, a brewer of fine ales) brave the blinding snows of the High Pass in the Misty Mountains, and stumble upon the back door to Goblin-town, as Bilbo and Company had done so many years before.
9 December 2007 Adrien is granted the 6th Seat on the Council of the Flame Impersihable, and there is much rejoicing (coincidentally, three mintrels mysteriously go missing on this day)
11 December 2007 Everfast (known as Belladonna by night) is granted the 7th Seat on the Council of the Flame Imperishable, and assumes the role of Grand Ambassador to the Landroval Realm
20 December 2007 A Yule Party of Special Magnificence is held at the home of the Servants of the Secret Fire, in Grorsvoll, in the Blue Mountains, thanks to the organizing brilliance of Athelian the Fair. Over sixty persons were present at its peak, including a number of young admirers of the Servants from the Union of Crafters. Boffo, after giving a completely original speech only loosely based on Bilbo's famous farwewell address, declared he had an announcement to make, and disappeared. There was much commotion and consternation, to Biffbo's delight, and Athelian's chagrin. Unperturbed, however, the party guests raged on for two and a half more hours, culminating in a grand procession around the Grorsvoll neighborhood.
2 January 2008 The Dreadnought fellowship cleans up the sore-beset hobbit village of Dwaling, and in the process aids in the creation of what is sure to be a literary masterwork, started on a loose leaf of paper with the words "In a hole in the ground. . ." Also on this date, the Dreadnought Fellowship enters Tinnudir, to aid in the defense of the settlements around Nenuial.
9 January 2008The Dreadnoughts venture into the horrible dark stronghold of Garth Agarwen. None of them is defeated, but neither is any dismayed at the decision to leave before seeing the dark stronghold's choicer real estate.
13 January 2008 Biffbo Chipmunk Bane, Vanderhelm Hypnotoad Slayer, and Tule Defender of Stagnant Waters, form a grand fellowship of three to pursue and attempt to subdue a nameless horror of the ancient world, one which was here before either Morgoth or even Ungoliant set foul foot on Middle Earth; A levitating trout, which had recently adopted Rushock Bog as its home. Given the location of this foul beast, our fellowship was dubbed the Fellowship of the Stagnant Water, whose mission it was to confront the demon fish - this Lord of the Shallows. Despite signs that the fish had obliterated all who had attempted to come near it in the past (bones strewn about the bog floor and unmistakeably nasty, sharp teeth on the trout itself), the three heroes approached the fish, surrounded it, and stared at it for about 5-6 minutes. After this tactic proved fruitless, it was then decided by the great Biffbo, Bane of Chipmunks, that the best strategy would be to "run away." And so they did, triumphantly.
24 January 2008 On this auspicious day a party of special magnificance was held at the kinship hall in honor of the birthday of Athelian. Also honored was Athelian's nephew, Aungnist, son of Evanya, who shares the same birthday. Despite the fact that he is but a young lad, he was given large amounts of ale and pipeweed to consume, much to the horror of Evanya. Birthday wishes were also directed at Nogg, whose birthday is the very next day, even though Nogg spent most of the time drunk, sitting in the reflecting pool. The party attendees spent a good amount of time beating and slashing at an apparent effigy of Biffbo, trying to see if he was in fact alive. They gave up in exhaustion when the effigy continued to stand there unresponsive and unscathed.
29 January 2008 The first Raiding Party of the Secret Fire gathered at the Northeastern outpost of Garth Fornir, and set our for Urugarth. This resulted in the untimely deaths of a large number of worms and uruks of ill-repute.
15 February 2008 Finduilion, Chief Scribe and Myth-Maker of the Servants, releases a tantalizing excerpt from his forthcoming Epic Myth of the Servants of the Secret Fire, which is fully expected to delight, deeply move and seriously offend most of the Free Peoples of Middle Earth
18 February 2008 The armour of Remmenaeg, foul wraith of Fornost, was gotten on this day. Present amongst Servants were Council Servant Adrien, Shennanigan and Chief Biffbo. The armour was then placeth in that fabled kinship hall, where it smoketh eerily for a time.
10 March 2008 Biffbo's birthday comes and goes without nary a peep. Biffbo, being an incredibly humble hobbit, did the honorable thing and did not mention it. He did, however, burn effigies of all members of the kinship in his cellar later on that day.
12 March 2008 Everfast spots Odlaw's hiding place in the Misty Mountains, and nearly freezes his toes off
20 April 2008 Biffbo purchases his very first personal home since being evicted from his hole in the Shire - a small, humble dwelling at #8 Chestnut Road, Bronning, Breeland Homesteads.
27, April 2007 A moment of silence was observed in memory of the founding of the Servants of the Secret Fire, exactly one year prior. Had the Servants spread the message of the Secret Fire over the past year, or had they done naught but spread jam over toast and other insignificant acts? These were questions that were wrestled with on this day, though the wrestling was not particularly strenuous.
17 May 2008 The Servants of the Secret Fire welcomed Daleridius and Tiff, famed exiles from the noble line of the Roaring River kin, into their ranks on this day. There was much rejoicing and deep-frying of river gunk.
18 May 2008 The Servants of the Secret Fire dramatically regress, reliving their childhood days again through the very first kinship Hide-And-Seek extravaganza. The Seeker was the unfortunate Chief Biffbo, and the Hiders were a motley gaggle of goobers, including: Athelian, Dorgold, the newly arrived Ulfi and Daleridius, and tiny Tule, one of the kinship's most fleet-footed members (and not coincidentally, a hobbit). The evening ended with the glorious victory of Tule, who, as it were, was just "above" Chief Biffbo's nose, and was finally discovered by a heat-seeking Athelian, from whom no living thing can hide.
25 August 2008 Athelian, veteran Servant, assumes the mantle of Chief Council Servant of the Flame Imperishable (replacing her impressive, yet pork-chop obsessed husband Nogg), becoming the second in line to Chief Biffbo, and well-positioned to succeed him should he meet an untimely end.
27 August 2008 An Unexpected Party at Tule's House. Many turnips and basil plants were injured on this day.
15 October 2008 The Tule, Adrien and Biffbo band, also known as "Little Big Folk" perform LIVE in Michel Delving to a packed audience, signing breastplates and causing mass swoons across the Shire.
29 October 2008 The Dreadnoughts confront the horrifically obese Bogbereth, an ancient and evil spider of Ungoliant's line. Her head now adorns the kinship hall.
1 November 2008 A Servant fellowship of six enters Carn Dum, intent on getting their hands on some green calimari known as Helchgam in gourmet circles. After a glorious three hour effort, all six heroes are tossed to their......I can't go on...the grief is still too near
19 November 2008 Biffbo bravely enters Moria, aka Khazad-Dum, for the first time, only to find that other individuals have already arrived, thus shattering his sense of pride and self-worth.
12 December 2008 Nothing at all happens. Except that Biffbo falls asleep while questing in Carn Dum, thus dooming his companions to certain death.
7 January 2009 Tule, master of questing in Carn Dum, receives the Carn Dum Questing Lifetime Achievement Award.
22 January 2009 We would rather not say.
14 February 2009 Chief Biffbo saves hundreds of thousands of people .
2 March 2009 Various kinmembers, including Chief Biffbo, Athelian, Pachacamac and Wyrdewyn, are beset on all sides by a horrible stench while attempting to enjoy a stroll along the banks of Lake Evendim. Chief Biffbo's all bean and broccoli diet was ruled out as an explanation by the Committee to Defend Chief Biffbo's Integrity and Self Worth.
31 March 2009 To record what occurred on this fateful day would be deeply irresponsible.
1 April 2009 Chief Biffbo once again fools the entire kinship into believing that he is worth more than pocket lint, and that he is a competent and effective leader of men, elves and dwarves.
27 April 2009 The Servants of the Secret Fire celebrates its 2-year anniversary. A Party of Not-so-special Magnificence is held at the kinship home, resulting in the untimely death (by bleeding) of hundreds of barrels of ale.
17 May 2009 Sandwiches, small snacks, leftover pizza and plates of reheated pasta are eaten by kinmembers during various AFK sessions.
3 June 2009 The time that the Servants have been waiting for finally arrives.
4 July 2009 Athelian, Chief of the Council of the Flame Imperishable, receives the diadem of honorable service from Chief Biffbo. Various n00bs are sacrificed for good measure.
14 August 2009 Egwise wisely breaks an egg open and cooks it before eating it.
30 August 2009 Daeroin is revealed to be Grand Moff Tarkin in disguise.
2 October 2009 Thorin's Homecoming Day is celebrated once again. This time by a grand procession from Thorin's Hall to the mock "lonely mountain" of Caradhras. Chief Biffbo led the way, though in a display of startling disloyalty, no kinmembers followed Biffbo when he plunged off a steep cliff.
29 October 2009 The Kinship packs its bags and leaves Ered Luin, travelling eastwards to the Shire, and the pleasant neighborhood of Folkhop - its new home. There is much rejoicing. Again, surprisingly, no minstrels were significantly harmed - though roasting one over a spit was discussed early in the evening.
9 November 2009: The Great (and Secret) Chicken Race begins and ends on this fateful day. Not content with completing the race, the Fowls of the Secret Fire continue on to the Prancing Pony for a drop of ale or two, only to be rudely rejected and discriminated against by a fat man from Bree. "We don't serve your kind here!" was the response. The chickens, in their rage and ridiculous indignation, then stormed the house of Bill Ferny, and bravely pooped all over the roof.
April 27, 2010: The Servants of the Secret Fire celebrates its 3-year anniversary. Most of the day is spent wondering how in the name of all that is sacred this kinship of flunkies and poopscallions has survived and flourished.
19, July 2010: Rorgloin is appointed Council Servant of the Flame Imperishable, Founder and Representative of Rorgloin and Company. There is much rejoicing. Having established that the minstrels taste funny, kinmembers consume copious numbers of loremasters instead.
15 August 2010: Rorgloin, of Rorgloin and Company, leads an epic game of hide and seek. Only twelve kinmembers were killed during the contest.
6 September 2010: Rorgloin and Company enters Carn Dum to bounty on the head of Mordirith for the Rangers of the North. Though there are several deaths, with the aid of Tule, Pareth, Jenuilas, and a benevolent Turbine Ainu, Rorgloin and Company slew MORDIRITH and took his head (Jenuilas's first time!) Rorgloin named Rorgloin Ironshield after having his shield rent in two by Mordirith during the battle. Backed with bounty funds, Rorgloin and Company rides for Thorin's Gate to recruit for their next attempt to journey to The Lonely Mountain.
3 August 2011: Athelian ascends to the throne of the Servants, and Biffbo sails into the West. There is lots of grovelling and averting of eyes, and praising Athelien with great praise.
4 August 2011: Athelian's first full day as Chief of the Servants of the Secret Fire. Coincidentally, lots of Servants are arbitrarily imprisoned on this day. But there is great love for the Dear Leader Athelian the Fair!
Last edited by Gandalf'sMother
on Thu Aug 04, 2011 7:41 am, edited 87 times in total.