The Dwarves Guild

The varied peoples of Middle-earth at times found unity in their pursuits, and all too often experienced deep rifts. Engage in lively conversations as we banter about the differences between the Alliances, and recruit for our People as well. Remember, keep it friendly.

Postby Riot » Fri Dec 30, 2005 8:51 pm

Contact made. Target acquired. Preparing Kipper-bait!

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Postby Riot » Fri Dec 30, 2005 9:24 pm

This is the epilogue I wanted to put. But I thought it was kind of mean...well, actually, it was voted mean/creepy. :(

Epilogue:

A balrog slinks about the site of the slaughter. It tries to ignore the kissy noises coming from the main coat closet. Clad in an old-fashioned floral print housecoat, shawl, and a lopsided gray wig, it stares at the carnage in horror.

“Mother! Oh God, mother! Blood! Blood! OH MOTHER…What have you done????”

P.S. Elfkin moving in with us!!!
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Postby Robin_Greenleaf » Sat Dec 31, 2005 7:38 pm

A lowly dwarf, a Valar and an elf sneaking in here to wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR

Borin, Robin and Nicolette
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Postby Riot » Sun Jan 01, 2006 2:17 pm

Tis high time for a new light RP. (And a new thread...) Suggestions welcome..

Possibilities I'm coming up with on the spot:

-A horrible curse takes hold of the mountain, and everyone must speak in rhymes...:roll: (Give me a break, it's New Years Day and all I've eaten is kippers and some olives because we have no other interesting food in the apt.)

-Alternate Time Period: We don't have to stay in the Fourth Age...

-"Johnny and the Lembas Factory" Crappy title, lots of bizarre potential. (But what will the Ommpah Loompahs be? Dwarves? Hobbits? HA & Elfkin clones?????!!)

-Crashing one of Thranduil's parties

-Continue a certain thermal detonator of an RP with thinly disguised characters... :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

-Have an alternate universe whodunit murder scenario where one of us is killing everyone else off.... (i.e. Lark, J_F, Riot, Ilfrith, Random, S_W, R_G, nonsense, N_S, etc...are being knocked off by one of the above.)

-Zombies and/or bunnies. 'nuff said.

And w/ that crapola (Like cola, only different...), I hope someone can come up with an idea...

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Postby Riot » Sun Jan 01, 2006 2:34 pm

Another thought suggestion before we name this page the "Riot Wing."

Quest for a member who is actually a full-blooded dwarf...

:P

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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sun Jan 01, 2006 8:06 pm

A full-blooded dwarf? How about dragging WW's butt back here so he can change our gay title?

You are forgetting about Borin. I don't know about the full-blooded part, but I'm fairly certain he/she is a full-bodied dwarf.

RP: Riot, Elfkin and Borin share an apartment in Denver, Colorado. I shall play the wacky landlord.
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Postby Riot » Sun Jan 01, 2006 10:13 pm

You have his IM too. That almost sounds good. Except Brnin wouldn't be faking just to live w/ us. :P And CO sucks.

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Postby Johnny_Flett » Mon Jan 02, 2006 7:33 pm

FLETT DEFLATES LAIR


ASSOCIATED PRESS

Erebor Cheese Magnate-cum-Potentate Johnny Flett announced that his recent visit to the Valaraukar Lair had 'effectively lanced the condylomatous boil of the balrog burrow off the face of the planet'- a claim denied by a Valaraukar spokesbeing, who said 'the all-powerful and ridiculously evil Valaraukar are now poised to take over the entirety of Middle Earth.'

Tensions between the two Guilds erupted over the alleged arrest and imprisonment of one of the Dwarve's Guilds' diplomats. Lord Flett, along with three women and a teenager, led a small rescue party that retrieved the diplomat, along with a handful of other prisoners from the dungeons of the Lair.

This was the second time the Valaraukar Lair had been invaded; the first time was a multi-Guild brouhaha, with heroic deeds and epic battles aplenty. Not so for the sequel, which showed promise at the beginning, but quickly petered out when resistance from the Lair collapsed.

'It was a cakewalk', commented Flett, 'we never had to call up the other Guilds, who were chomping at the bit for some of the action. Things are kind of slowing down a bit on the boards, and we were hoping to have a little excitement; what we got was a stale piece of Milquetoast."

He jeered at the claims that it wasn't a fair fight. "It was a TKO, for sure; I would have preferred a knock-down-drag-out. But hey, what can you do? Riot called them a bunch of pantywaists to their face, and they just laid there and took it. It was like fighting Mahatma Gandhi. After a while, you get tired of watching them beating your fists with their face."

The spokesbeing for the Valaraukar Lair dismissed Flett's comments as 'propoganda', and that business at the Lair would 'go on as usual'.

'I think it's just another sign that the dark threads are dead', says Flett. "Mordor's gone artsy-fartsy. Morgul's vanished, and the Lair is gasping. They tend to attract the younger, angsty members. When they realize there's not much content or entertainment, their limited attention spans cause them to drop like flies. Next time, we'll go after the Cat-Lovers or Costumers; you know, something seriously evil."




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Postby Riot » Mon Jan 02, 2006 8:19 pm

Brilliant.

Though this doesn't solve our light RP dilemma. Unless we want to RP how the Lair should have been. :P

*cut to the best of Gloam clips*

Coming soon, the special edition box set w/ extended never-before-seen footage. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wonder where its spawner went horribly, horribly wrong...

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Postby Johnny_Flett » Mon Jan 02, 2006 9:01 pm

One morning, long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more filth, Larkbo Baggins was standing at her door after breakfast, flinging spoonfuls of Cream of Wheat into a pile of yardbirds- Riotdalf came by. Riotdalf! If you had heard only a quarter of what I have heard about her, you would be prepared for any sort of remarkable, angsty lies.

"Good Morning!" said Larkspur, but she didn't mean it. For Riotdalf had put her in a headlock, and Larkbo looked at her from under long, bushy armpits that stuck out further than the brim of her shady hat.

"What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning, or that I am a complete ratbastard for putting you in a headlock on your own doorstep?
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Postby lark » Tue Jan 03, 2006 7:28 am

“All of them at once! Now get off!” Yelled Larkbo as she struggled to get away, but Riotdalf’s grip was like iron. “I’ll give you some pipe weed!” Larkbo offered at last.

Riotdalf released her and quickly snagged the small pouch that Larkbo was pulling from her pocket. She inspected it briefly, sniffing the contents before shoving it into her pack. “Actually, I’m looking for someone to join me for a little adventure.”

Larkbo did a double take. :shock: “Um…errrr….well, you see…I’m not really the adventurous type.” She said carefully.

Riotdalf stared hard at her. “I didn’t ask what type you were.” She said. Then something like an evil smile began to play about the corners of her mouth. :twisted:

Larkbo began to feel panicked. The last thing she wanted to do was go on some goofy (and likely dangerous) adventure with the infamous Riotdlaf, but she had the distinct feeling that she wasn’t being invited as much as she was being commanded. Her desire was to run into her safe little hole and lock the door, but she couldn’t bring herself to be so rude. She decided to play it cool instead. “Perhaps you could come by tomorrow for tea, and we could talk about it then.” She said, having no intentions whatsoever of being home the next day.

There was a moment of awkward silence as Riotdalf continued to stare at her. Lark shifted her feet uneasily. “Um…bye!” She said, then turning quickly for the door, she tripped over the threshold and slid on her stomach down the entrance hall, just managing to kick the door shut as she passed it. Skidding to a halt, she gave a heavy sigh. “Boy! That was a close one!”
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Postby Elfkin » Tue Jan 03, 2006 9:21 am

Elfkin entered the thread and transformed magically into...

Gollumkin, eater of fish and wearer of sporrans! Rain nor snow nor glom of nit will stop this irritating bookworm from her mighty Quest to sit in a smelly cave nibbling seafood!

Gollumkin eventually got bored of waiting for the protagonists to show up, and loped off in the direction of the Shire in search of something interesting.
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Postby Borin_Silversmith » Tue Jan 03, 2006 1:39 pm

This lowly dwarf would be delighted to take part in this lovely adventure...

In other words.... alright (about time) a story about Dwarves in the dwarves Guild....

I quess JF can be Thorin... I'll take one or two of the other dwarves...

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Postby Riot » Tue Jan 03, 2006 8:12 pm

*pats Gollumkin and offers her cabbage, mushrooms, fishcakes, champagne and fishballs.*

That's what we had for dinner tonight. ;) We actually did huo guo which is hotpot. You boil a broth in the middle of the table and add stuff to it which you dip in a sauce. Noodles, veggies, meat, seafood, etc. Wait, I had sashimi too...but I ate it all. Sorry Gollumkin. But we have chocolate chip cookies, chicken, and kippers, and I know how you Brits :heart: your kippers. :P

ANYWAY: I do not have the Hobbit in my possession, so if I get things out of order...alas.

*****

The next day...

Noon came around, then dinner, then happy hour, and finally bedtime. Larkbo felt relieved, thinking that perhaps Riotdalf lay in some back alley in Bree, stinking of liquor and cheap cologne.

At about 4 AM, there was an alarming banging on the door. Larkbo thought the best bet would be to search for her spare bottle of vanilla deep beneath her bed. Suddenly, there was the splintering of a mighty door and the cry "Muthephukinmigetobbits!" Which roughly translates, "I hit my oversized head on your undersized ceiling."

The infamous Riotdalf staggered into the mole hole, tripping over seventeen cats, a footstool, and a bag of 'Old Toby,' which she quickly confiscated.

After about an hour of rooting around the kitchen, she finally dragged herself into Larkbo's bedroom and yanked her out from under the bed by her huge hairy feet. :P

"Eliza, Darla," she paused awkwardly, "dearie, yer mum keeps telling me to find you a nice boy. He doesn't even have to be a hobbit, so long as he's short and hairy. SO I tells her, yon filly thar will get hitched just as soon as she's ready to, and not a parsec before then. But that's just peachy dandy, because yer getting awfully old and awkward for a human bachelorette. Fie! Yer shrinking on me, dearie. Yer so shriveling up into a dried up ball of fishcakes. We need to find you a right good-for-something man. Lessee, ole Radagast might be taking, but he spends too much time with dem critters if you ask me. And there's ole Ber- oh, he dead, never mind. And then..."

"Enough!" Larkbo howled. "I'm not a human! I am perfectly content with my life! And I don't need some drunken charlatan to tell me how to run my life! No one asked you to come here at Eru-knows what hour to awaken me from a wonderful slumber!"

"A quarter past five," Riotdalf corrected cheerfully. "And I[m no charlatan." Smirking, she pulled a fireball out of her hat and proceeded to scream and curse as the thing burned her fingers for a good ten seconds before she flung it out the window and onto the sleeping chicken in the bushes.

A good hour and three minor fires later...

"Well, cooked chicken is a grand breakfast if you ask me. I'm expecting some guests," Riotdalf declared as she licked her singed digits. "But yes, thanks ever so much for the invitation. I know we'll have a grand ole time."

With a smile she winked at Larkbo, who was now tied to her kitchen chair with a rather large stinky undershirt stuck in her mouth.
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Tue Jan 03, 2006 9:59 pm

A dwarf with a blue beard tucked into a blue belt and beady blue eyes beneath a battered blue hood suddenly appeared in the kitchen doorway. He hung his hooded cloak on the nearest peg and sat down next to Larkbo, just as if he had been expected.
"Don't mind if I do...", he grumbled, and took a sleeve of the undershirt and began to suck on it.
*thhhh..thhh...thhhhh* "Droolin, at your cervix!" he said with a wink.
"Well, well well..." began Riotdalf. "Looky what the pussamacat dragged in! How's the trick bowel you old goat? Still actin' up?"
Droolin nodded in the affirmative, as another dwarf appeared in the passage.
"I see the mob has begun to arrive already", the newcomer said when he caught sight of Droolin chewing on the shirt. "Brawlin, at you and yours!" he said with his hand on her, I mean his breast.
"Come inside, and eat incinerated fowl!" cackled Riotdalf. "Perhaps our kind host will break out the hard stuff she has hidden in her closet beneath the fuzzy sweaters, right next to her..."
"A little beer would suit me better, as long as it's not that yeasty Dutch crap!" Brawlin said, and he glared at Droolin, as the last of the undergarment dissappeared into his beard. "But I don't mind some cake- sod cake, if you have any!"
"Fresh out!" exclaimed Larkbo. "You had better untie me, and I'll nip off down to the Hob-Mart and pick up a few!"

*************************************************************

*CASTING CALL FOR DWARVES. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY. DEFORMITIES A PLUS*
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Postby Elfkin » Wed Jan 04, 2006 10:36 am

Gollumkin paused for breath. Whose genius idea had it been for her to walk on all fours?! Grr. But anyway. Knuckling at her sore wrists, she cursed to herself. Just because he was funny, clever, a brilliant actor, cute and all-round amazing, didn't mean-- uh-- what had been the complaint, again?

She was distracted from this train of thought by something round and hard landing on her head. Grr again. She looked down on the ground, and saw a cabbage, looking slightly the worse for wear from connecting with her cranium. She sniffed at it suspiciously, then leapt forward with a yelp as another bombarded her rump, followed by several fishcakes and a whole lorryload of mushrooms.

Something of the hobbit stirred in Gollumkin, and she crept forward to investigate the latter of these airbourne delights, pausing every few seconds to make sure she wasn't about to get dropped on again. Then the scent of the mushrooms overwhelmed her and she dived into the pile, gobbling greedily.

Perhaps she shouldn't have so eagerly stuffed the large purple ones, for she began to feel slightly ill. At last her tunneling led her to the Mushroom Palace, with its white trunk and wide gills and red, spotted crown. A gnome lived within, and it came out and bopped her on the head.

She awoke a few hours later with a massive hangover, to find a small brown kipper at her feet. She leapt up, shaking a fist at the sky.

"We hatessss the kipperssss! Give usss ssssashimi, Precioussss!"
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Postby Riot » Wed Jan 04, 2006 2:51 pm

OOC: How can you not like kippers??? :x :x :x Blasphemy. Just for that, I'm going to beat up and Englishman...and I know just the one. Mr. Mitts is coming over for a holiday... ;)

How do you like your SPAM??? With a can of WHUPAZZ??? YEA?? YEA?? WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT???!!!

BOOYAH,
Riot

P.S. I think I need my medicine.
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Postby Riot » Wed Jan 04, 2006 8:39 pm

IF ye hadn't noticed, cue DWARVES. And whomever might want to join this little fracas.

SPAM!

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Postby Johnny_Flett » Thu Jan 05, 2006 10:34 pm

The moment she was untied, Larkbo bolted for the door; she found the way blocked by two more dwarves.
"What do you want?!" she said.
"Feely, at your service", said the one. "And Squealy!" added the other, and they dropped their pants and bowed.
"Up yours and your family's!" relied Lark, remembering the correct reply this time.
A big jug of coffee had just been set on the hearth, the sod-cakes were gone, and the dwarves were beginning to eat the wallpaper and the pencil erasers when there came another knock on the door.
Another handful of dwarves had arrived, including Thorn OakenFlett, an enormously important dwarf who brandished a long and flexible weed.
"Well, that's half of 'em", said Riotdalf, "an elite corps of raving idiots. What's that? Red wine? No thanks. A little rotgut, I think, for me."
"And for me." said Thorn.
"And raspberry jam and apple tart!" said Banger.
"And mince pie and cheese!" said Boffer.
"And lunch meat and concrete!" said Bufu.
"And bring me a damn lung-scraper!" said Riotdalf, who began dismantling a chicken on the table.
And they ate until it grew dark; and suddenly one, and then another began to burp. The deep-throated belching of the dwarves in the deep places of their ancient homes.


The dwarves of old made mighty burps
While beards were soaked with mighty slurps
From goblets deep of liquor cheap
In ancient halls of mighty twerps


Something Tookish awoke inside of Larkbo, and she wished to go and see the great mountains, and hear the belching and chundering, and explore the caves and wear a flexible weed instead of a walking stick. She looked out the window; suddenly in the wood beyond The Water a flame leapt up- probably somebody lynching a Brandybuck- and she thought of plundering dragons settling on her quiet Hill and kindling it all to flames. She shuddered, and very quickly realized that Riotdalf had beaten the dragon to it; her sleeve and the curtains were engulfed in flames, and the dwarves were trying to beat them out with plates and pieces of furniture.
In the deafeningly pure chaos that followed, none of them noticed the flapping of flat, flappy feet, or the punge of stale fishcakes wafting in from the verge...
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Postby Elfkin » Fri Jan 06, 2006 10:47 am

"We isssn't good at being British, no, Precious," hissed a voice just off the edge of hearing. "We doessssn't like kipperssss... we can't abide cricket... grr."

Gollumkin ducked hurriedly as a partially-melted plate smashed against the wall where her head had been a moment ago. She rolled sideways to avoid a flaming bread roll, leapt over three tureens and a dehydrated cucumber, performed a tricky Matrix stunt to escape half a sofa and was finally smacked in one oversized ear by a scorched cream cake.

"Twice in one day!" she howled irritably. "We wanderss Middle-earth for hundredss of yearsss and this happenss twice!!"
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sun Jan 08, 2006 4:04 pm

Hooray for WindWalker! :)
...but he didn't even stop in to say hi... :(

...It's been a long time. Riot, do you still have Jackum's nose in your pouch? :?
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Postby Riot » Sun Jan 08, 2006 6:36 pm

Now I will shed a tear for WW, as I must, for he is surely gone. :cry2:

J_F: Yup. I was debating whether or not to deep fry it or sell it to the tabloids. Either way, it's composed mostly of inorganic material.

Why? :? :P :roll:

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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sun Jan 08, 2006 8:10 pm

Meh. Possible plot point. If Gollumkin is nosing about the Shirf, we may need to bend that chapter. Instead of Riddles in the Dark, how about "Slaps and Tickles in the Dark? or, They're All the Same in the Dark? Or we could ressurect noseless Jackum, unless we killed him, in which case we could still resurrect him.

Due to the shortfall of imaginative dwarfs, and WindWalker, I suppose we could offer Gkin a cloak and a false beard. I wonder if she will remain true to the spirit of Tolkien, and scurry about topless on all fours?
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Postby Elfkin » Mon Jan 09, 2006 12:31 pm

You wish, you freaky bone-nosed tricycle-riding fruitcake. :P

All this talk of noses scares me... Oh, Riot, while I'm here, is it true that the Gloved One's nose is constructed entirely of paperclips?
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Mon Jan 09, 2006 9:38 pm

Paper clips/! Perish the thought! We needed something tough, that wouldn't melt under bright lights (or when his head catches on fire), yet it had to be non-toxic and easiy digestible, since it tends to slide of his angular face and into his food.

So far, Play-doh seems to work the best.

When properly dried and seasoned they make an excellent snack, that has been test-marketed succesfully in Ipswitch and Swindon under the Cracklin' Jackson trademark. :)
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Postby lark » Tue Jan 10, 2006 7:51 am

J_F wrote:Due to the shortfall of imaginative dwarfs, and WindWalker, I suppose we could offer Gkin a cloak
and a false beard.


I like that idea! Let me know if you don’t like this Elfkin, and I’ll edit. :)

~*~*~*~*~

Seeing her dishes, furniture and curtains destroyed was bad enough, but to have these noisy smelly dwarves eating her out of house and hole was enough to put Larkbo into a fetal position. Resigned to her fate, she distractedly lifted a mug to her lips and had downed half the contents before realizing there was a chicken foot floating in it. “Yarg!!!” She spit out as much as she could on a nearby dwarf, who didn’t seem to mind, then wiped her mouth on his cloak.

Some movement near the window caught her attention and she turned to see the strangest looking dwarf she’d seen yet. It had a spindly build, and huge round eyes. It’s beard looked like leaves and grass that were stuck to it’s chin by something that resembled a half-melted cream cake, and it’s cloak seem to have the same chicky print that her kitchen curtains had had. “Just great! Another one! Well you may as well come on in and make yourself at home by destroying what’s left of mine!”

The skinny dwarf looked a bit surprised, then grinned happily as it started grabing and eating goldfish from her fishbowl. It was at this point that Thorn Oakenflett swept the dirty dishes and unconscious dwarves off the table and spread out a map for all to see.
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Postby Riot » Wed Jan 11, 2006 8:37 pm

*awaiting Elfkin's yay or nay...*
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Postby Elfkin » Thu Jan 12, 2006 9:30 am

Yay! :D :D :D

I don't have time to post right now, so I'll just continue gobbling your beloved pets... a goldfish, a kitten, a giraffe... Anything I posted would probably have involved food hitting me again or something similarly dumb. :P
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sat Jan 14, 2006 10:00 pm

On the table in the light of a big lamp with a red shade was a piece of parchment rather like a map.

"This was made by Horni, your grandfather, Thorn," explained Riotdalf.

"I don't see that this will help us much," said Thorn disappointedly after a glance. 'We have pleny of nude drawings of elf-maidens already."

"Whoops. The old perv..." said Riotdalf, and she flipped the parchment over, revealing a plan of the mountain. A giant, red creature was drawn atop it's peak, and the bodies of many dwarves with their eyes x'ed out were strewn about. "Notice that rune on the west side, and the one hand pointing at the mountain, while the other hand is pinching closed an enormous pair of nostrils. That marks a hidden passage to the lower halls."

"That's a septic line!" spat Droolin.

"Still, a determined hobbit with a plumber's snake just might get through." Riotdalf's eyes turned and rested on Larkbo.

"Let me see if I have this all plain and clear,"said Larkbo, putting on her best business-like manner. "You want me to crawl through a tunnel of crap and slay a dragon...for what?!"

"Very well," said Thorn..."I may as well tell you. It appears as if all of my brethren who are brave enough to join me, and sober enough to find the address are here. Let me introduce Droolin, son of Fulin, Brawlin, son of Snarlin, the brothers Oink and Gloink, their twin cousins Feely and Squealy, Sneer, Leer, Thick, Brick, Thrash, Churn, Todd and...", he paused as his eyes fell upon Gollumkin. Her eyes grew even more ridiculously huge, a hamster's foot portruded from the corner of her mouth, She quickly slurped it down, paused, then emitted a deafening belch. "...and poor old Beezer, who is looking particularly unfit and unwell this evening."

Outside, the moon rose, a wolf howled, a Brandybuck screamed in pain. Thorin's beady black eyes flickered in the firelight.

"Long ago, my father Acorn's family was driven out of the far North (there was a chorus of snickering from the dwarves)...and came to thissy here mountain. They fought for many years to drive out the original inhabitants. You may have heard some of the songs that were written about it; the famous Ferret Wars. Acorn et al moved in, and quickly learned that if you hammered a very thin layer of gold over anything, and stamped it 14K, regardless of it's actual purity, you could sell it to the men and elves and make a killing. Their dirty deeds made them filthy rich, and that is undoubtedly what brought Smut, a giant, perverted, dragon-like ferret. He assailed the mountain, driving my people out and charging them for all the back-rent. Since then we have lived as vagrants, freeloaders, bums and squatters. Tomorrow we shall begin our journey to retake the mountain, and wrest the crappy jewlery market away once again from the weasels and Arabs who rule it. And you, dear Larkbo, have been chosen by Riotdalf to accompany us."

"We leave at sunrise; I like sixteen eggs with my ham, and I likes em fresh, straight outa the chicken's butt!"

**************************

OOC: Gollumkitten: I'll change your assigned name, if you have a preference. Do you have a copy of the Hobbit?
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Johnny_Flett
Rider of the Mark

 
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Postby Elfkin » Sun Jan 15, 2006 1:08 pm

OOC: Indeedy I do have a copy of that most fine of publications. In fact, I have at least three: a normal one, and a big hardback illustrated by John Howe, King of Drawing. Plus a cartoon version which has nearly all the original narration and dialogue, so it's basically just the book with very pretty and spiffy pictures... a guy bought it for me the Christmas before last... :) *huggles him* Plus we as a family have a really old edition with a red-and-gold embossed cover and pages thinner than the Bible's. W00t.

"We alssso likes eggses in the morning and bacon at night," hissed the one who shall be henceforth known as Beezer, stroking her wilting beard in what she hoped was a wise and impressive manner. "If nasssty hobbitses can give uss that, we will join your quest: no sssseptic line can smell worsssse than us, no, Precioussss."

She stared hard at the dog-eared parchment on the table, and the others admired her commitment to the scheme. What none of them seemed to have realised was that the table was made of glass, and the light shining through it meant that the... ah... illustration was visible from this side. Beezer was simply enjoying the view.
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Elfkin
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