Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 11:10 am |
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The BLOODLINE HERO (comments and questions thread)
Greetings fellow readers and writers of the Scriptorium. There might be a few of you around here who may be acquainted with me over the past few years on TORC from either RPing (ie. BELERIAND) with me or perhaps by knowing of my previous lengthy yarn about Calimendil, Fifth King of Cardolan. I received a lot of positive feedback about it back when I was writing that and some constructive advice as well, which I appreciated very much. It's hard to believe that I finished that story nearly four years ago now! Wow! Tempus Fugit to be sure! I think it's fair to say there were a lot of good things buried in the midst of that canonical tale - yet also quite a lot that was less than good. Indeed, I have recently noted a couple of passages that, when I skim through it now, I find downright silly and nonsensical - particularly in the first half. But over the last couple years it has always nagged at me that I might have done better with the subject of Cardolan and its relationship with Rhudaur and Angmar, not to mention the interpersonal relationships between the characters within the narrative. But practice makes perfect tis said, and after mulling it over in my mind I decided to undertake a rewrite of my first full-length tale. Actually, I told myself I would not attempt such a thing, as I was supposed to be busying myself with writing a historical fiction piece dealing with the warring princes of 12th century Wales, which I hoped - and still do - to complete and find a publishing agent to take a look at it to see if it is really worthy of publication. I got about twenty thousand words or so into it before I came to the conclusion that I might not be quite ready for that yet. Therefore, having no longer the willpower left to resist the urge to dive back into Middle-earth again, I decided to go ahead with my rewrite, as ideas for a new and improved version to my Cardolan tale flooded into my mind unabated (which was not the case for my historical fiction piece, alas). This was over a year ago now. Since then I have been working on this present version whenever my limited free time allows me to.
I had intended to begin posting this up here in the Scriptorium back in 08' but the more I worked on this the more it continued to evolve. Now I can honestly say that there is little at all that remains unchanged from my first version. I think that any here who might be familar with the older version will not find much that is familar here, save for a few principal characters and names of places - and perhaps some of the ending, which I am no where near reaching yet! If any of you found the older version a bit too long, well then you might find this version absurdly L-O-N-G. I'm only about 20% through this project about now, but I feel sure that, if I do all that I want to do in it, this version will outpace the earlier one with ease. That might be good or bad - we'll see. At any rate, I have already endured three false starts as well as reshuffling the order of the chapters as new ideas come to me. For any of you out there who have the time and patiece to read through this monstrous narrative of mine I think I can assure you that this version will trump my first effort with ease. At least I hope so! I would like to think that my writing has improved since 2003, when I first began writing the former version. Naturally, I welcome any and all comments and criticism, although in the case of the latter I would ask that it be constructive. Pull no punches with your honesty! Also, just for the sake of 'pretend history', I have included a multi-paragraphed historical note that precedes the actual narrative.
To sum up, let's try and include all of the above here in this Comment Thread so as to avoid cluttering up my actual canon. This will certainly be an ongoing project and I do not anticipate completing it for some time. If all goes well with my progress and time allows I might eventually post this up over in the Reading Room. But we'll see. Thanks for listening to me ramble on...
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rowanberry
In dancing she delights
Alliance: House of Feanor
Last Visited: 08 Sep 2010
Joined: 10 Apr 2002
Posts: 17032
Location: Back row of the chorus in a silly Bollywood movie
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 8:18 am |
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Hi Celebrimbor! It's nice to see you here again! 
I'll wait for a couple more chapters before I say anything about the current story, but at least the beginning looks interesting.
(BTW, Gurth has been around, and has tried to e-mail you.)
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 9:10 am |
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Well, hey there, rowanberry! I was wondering if you would stop by eventually. Good to hear from you again Oh, I've been around and have never left, actually. But up until lately I have rarely posted anything anywhere on the boards due to time restraints in real life. Mostly I have been a mere lurker. But I've noticed that you are still active on other threads.
So ol' Gurth is still around on TORC, eh? You know I have often wondered if he still was, and have even kept a cursory eye open for him here and there. But I'm assuming he must have a new screenname by now. I haven't received any e mails from him either. It would be good to hear from him too! I believe my old Yahoo! address is still the same as it always was, but perhpas he no longer has that one? He should drop by here and give a shout out at me when he gets the time.
I'll try and post the remainder of the prologue in another week or so. Even
that
has turned out to be much longer than I intended. I could do it now but I want to try and stay well ahead in the composition of my rough draft in comparison to what I post in the main thread.
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rowanberry
In dancing she delights
Alliance: House of Feanor
Last Visited: 08 Sep 2010
Joined: 10 Apr 2002
Posts: 17032
Location: Back row of the chorus in a silly Bollywood movie
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 11:39 am |
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Yep, I'm still rather actively around.
And, Gurth still has the same screen name. He's been here rather sporadically, but he does keep an eye on the Beleriand OOC thread; maybe if you go there just to say hello, he'll pop up as well.
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Arassuil
Shield Bearer
Alliance: Numenore
Last Visited: 17 Aug 2010
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 232
Location: Eriador
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 2:07 am |
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That's some pretty good writing Celebrimbor! Its deep into people personalities, and that is a good thing!
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Last edited by Arassuil on Tue Aug 25, 2009 6:30 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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rowanberry
In dancing she delights
Alliance: House of Feanor
Last Visited: 08 Sep 2010
Joined: 10 Apr 2002
Posts: 17032
Location: Back row of the chorus in a silly Bollywood movie
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 9:41 am |
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Hi Cel, I just read the latest chapter, and I've got one suggestion:
The word filter of this site doesn't like the impolite word for "illegitimate" but turns it into "bunnyslipper", which looks a bit funny here. So, maybe you could use "illegitimate" instead?
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 10:13 am |
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Oh good grief!  Are you kidding me? Pretty ridiculous if you ask me. I didn't realize the 'b' word was really considered to be that inappropriate. But no matter. Thanks for calling that to my attention, rowanberry! I shall go and fix that now. I will try and have the last segment of the Prologue posted in another week or so.
Incidently, I guess Gurth isn't really a regular on TORC anymore, as I made a post over on the BEL word aside thread a while ago and he hasn't shown up yet. Reviving that old thread may be a bit difficult after all, alas. So are you doing anymore writing these days, rowanberry? I think you should consider writing a story for the Scriptorium yourself sometime! Your writing is easily up to par for the task, no doubt about it!
Arassuil - Thankee, sir I noticed you are still continuing forward with Arassuil's Journal. Good for you! I read the last post and liked it very much. The whole journal-as-a-story concept is a good idea. No one else that I know of has done anything like that in here before. Happy writing!
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rowanberry
In dancing she delights
Alliance: House of Feanor
Last Visited: 08 Sep 2010
Joined: 10 Apr 2002
Posts: 17032
Location: Back row of the chorus in a silly Bollywood movie
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 1:09 pm |
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I agree, the filtering of words here is a bit exaggerated. 
Gurth posts very sporadically, and all the others who wrote Beleriand seem to have sailed into the West, so yes, it's unlikely that the story will continue.  But at least my characters finally got out of the battle. 
I'm in a couple of more lighthearted RPs nowadays, that's all I have time for at the moment. But, if I get an idea and the time to write - who knows, maybe I'll come up with some Scriptorium stuff. 
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Hunter
Ranger of the North
Alliance: -None-
Last Visited: 15 Mar 2010
Joined: 23 Mar 2000
Posts: 2872
Location: On the shores of Long Lake
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 9:05 pm |
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~
I'm enjoying this very much.
~
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 10:23 am |
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Thank you, Hunter! So far so good, I hope. I should have the final post of the Prologue up here in just a few days I should think.
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Arassuil
Shield Bearer
Alliance: Numenore
Last Visited: 17 Aug 2010
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 232
Location: Eriador
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:43 pm |
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I had some time this weekend and gave your writings an second read. All I have to say is I like your style, and you are able to bring out the visuality in my mind with your words. I at first thought you were getting too much into dialogue toward the end of the last post, but in retrospect it works well. This inspires me to put a bit more effort into
Arassuil's Journal
, and also to post some other writing I've done in various time-periods of the history of Arnor. I have a few, mostly half-written bits of the history.
Keep up the GREAT work Celebrimbor32, and I look forward to your next installment!
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 8:02 pm |
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Sorry to have been away for so long. First I fell ill to the worst case of Bronchitis I have ever had in my life, then the hard drive on my PC goes out again That's the last time I ever buy the floor model just to save a few bucks! Anyway, I found a spare moment on my folk's PC to post up the next installment of the Prologue. One more post ought to wrap it up. Hope it looks ok!
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Sat Oct 3, 2009 6:12 am |
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Okay, so I lied. I'm not quite finished with the Prologue afterall. The next post ought to finish it up for sure
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Sat Oct 3, 2009 6:16 am |
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double post goof
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Arassuil
Shield Bearer
Alliance: Numenore
Last Visited: 17 Aug 2010
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 232
Location: Eriador
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Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 8:55 pm |
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Quite the tale you're writing! It seems a bit in-depth for a prologue, but its all good!
We need more North Kingdom tales!
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 12:05 pm |
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Thanks Arassuil! I agree with you about the size of the Prologue, though. In fact, if this were something I was going to submit to a professional agent for possible publication I would probably shave it down to about half of its current length. But time is pressing, and if I hope to get anywhere near finishing this tale by 2012, when the Mayan calandar suggests that the world might come to an end, I shall have to leave it as it stands, alas.  I hope to begin posting the first chapter in another couple weeks.
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Arassuil
Shield Bearer
Alliance: Numenore
Last Visited: 17 Aug 2010
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 232
Location: Eriador
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Posted: Sat Oct 31, 2009 5:59 pm |
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Again, another excellent installment!
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Tue Nov 3, 2009 11:20 am |
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Thank you again, Arassuil! As far as I can foresee right now I envision this book to consist of three parts, with part three probably being the longest. Incidently, please let me know if you notice any grammatical errors or other inconsistencies buried inside the depths of the canon, as I posted this segment in haste the other day Alas, my postings here are almost caught up with what I have composed off line now. Better speed up my production!
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Arassuil
Shield Bearer
Alliance: Numenore
Last Visited: 17 Aug 2010
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 232
Location: Eriador
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Posted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:03 pm |
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Again, another great installment! I have to say I get a bit excited to read more when I see you've posted here.
I think its really well written. The only comment I could make is rather minor. For improvement on how the posts are structured and how they appear on my computer screen. For me, readability would improve by putting line breaks to separate the dialogue and narrative. But that's just me.
Keep up the great writing Celebrimbor!
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 12:34 pm |
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Thanks, Arassuil! If my stories conjure up any degree of anticipation and/or enthusiasm in you or any other readers out there then I suppose I must be on the right track with what I have come up with so far, so i shall forge ahead. One more installment and Chapter One shall be finished I think. The problem coming up is that I have Chapters Three and Four pretty much fleshed out and ready for final editing but I have barely been able to come up with anything for Chapter Two yet! Ugh!
As for you suggestion to put in 'line breaks' to create separation between the dialogue and narrative I'm not real sure what you mean by that. Could you be more specific?
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Arassuil
Shield Bearer
Alliance: Numenore
Last Visited: 17 Aug 2010
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 232
Location: Eriador
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Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 7:20 pm |
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Celebrimbor32 said:
the dialogue and narrative I'm not real sure what you mean by that. Could you be more specific?
There's nothing wrong with how you did it. Its just a computer screen readability thing to me. Allow me to use a bit of your last story post as an example...
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As it appears:
"Your steed is useless now, Huscar!" cried Rathmir, leaping down with a loud thud into the empty pond. "I fear that his leg is broken. He is lame. You shall have to walk home." Then he noticed the prince upon the ground and in great pain as he held his foot. "What has happened here?" He looked concernedly at his lord, who had quite obviously broken his foot, then, seeing that the stone door was laying next to the prostrated prince, he directed his gaze immediately to the gaping black hole in the stone floor of the pool.
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The dialogue and the narrative is all together in a paragraph. How I would have done it:
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"Your steed is useless now, Huscar!"
cried Rathmir, leaping down with a loud thud into the empty pond.
"I fear that his leg is broken. He is lame. You shall have to walk home."
Then he noticed the prince upon the ground and in great pain as he held his foot.
"What has happened here?"
He looked concernedly at his lord, who had quite obviously broken his foot, then, seeing that the stone door was laying next to the prostrated prince, he directed his gaze immediately to the gaping black hole in the stone floor of the pool.
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Alternatively, in separate lines without the spacing:
"Your steed is useless now, Huscar!"
cried Rathmir, leaping down with a loud thud into the empty pond.
"I fear that his leg is broken. He is lame. You shall have to walk home."
Then he noticed the prince upon the ground and in great pain as he held his foot.
"What has happened here?"
He looked concernedly at his lord, who had quite obviously broken his foot, then, seeing that the stone door was laying next to the prostrated prince, he directed his gaze immediately to the gaping black hole in the stone floor of the pool.
-
Its not a big deal. I just sometimes have trouble catching all the dailogue on my computer screen when its in the midst of a paragraph. I just need to slow down and pay better attention when I'm reading.
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 11:43 pm |
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Ah, I thought that was sort of what you were refering to, Arassuil. Yeah, I suppose I could give this method of posting dialgoue a try and see how it feels. Of course, that might make each post run longer on the screen, but again - no big deal
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 8:07 am |
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Arassuil - Well, I decided to split up the remainder of what I have down for Chapter One into two posts, which means I have one more to go. I'll try to begin seperating all the dialogue up into seperate lines/paragraphs like you suggeted with Chapter Two (which I have yet to write!).
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Arassuil
Shield Bearer
Alliance: Numenore
Last Visited: 17 Aug 2010
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 232
Location: Eriador
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Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 12:56 am |
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Its pretty darn good reading this. Went back and started from the beginning and read it through. Look forward to more when you get time to write it!
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 9:00 am |
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Once again, I thank you, Arassuil! As long as I have at least one person popping in here every now and then I shall be happy. Fortunately, my muse is alive and well right now, as Chapter Two is roaring along just fine so far. Should have the first post for it up in another week or so. Eventually, I might even begin posting this up in the Reading Room if it contiues to go this well for me. I might shave the lengthy Prologue down a bit over there as well.
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rowanberry
In dancing she delights
Alliance: House of Feanor
Last Visited: 08 Sep 2010
Joined: 10 Apr 2002
Posts: 17032
Location: Back row of the chorus in a silly Bollywood movie
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Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 9:47 am |
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I also finally got the last part read, and am eagerly waiting to find out how the young Northman from the prologue connects to the grave robbers in the beginning of the actual story.
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Arassuil
Shield Bearer
Alliance: Numenore
Last Visited: 17 Aug 2010
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 232
Location: Eriador
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Posted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 6:46 pm |
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Wow! Looks like I have some reading to catch up on!
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Celebrimbor32
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finwe
Last Visited: 07 Aug 2010
Joined: 10 Aug 2001
Posts: 1403
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Posted: Mon Feb 1, 2010 12:34 am |
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Oh yeah? Ah, well I know that you said you've been busy lately. Hope there aren't too many goofs in this last installment. Let me know if any of you find em'. I hope to have the beginning of the next chapter posted before the end of February. Depends on my muse and also my willpower to refrain from constant editing.
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Ayslhyn
And his trusted servant Patsy
Alliance: Gondor
Last Visited: 03 Sep 2010
Joined: 14 Jul 2001
Posts: 3251
Location: London UK
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Posted: Wed Mar 3, 2010 12:24 pm |
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Whoops posted in the wrong place. The mods will move it no doubt.
Adding in Ayslhyn's post from the other thread:
I have no wish to be unkind but this tale is just another fanfiction.
It is far too derivative of Tolkien to have any original concepts and although the grammar and spelling are acceptable the characters are neither engaging enough nor sufficiently well-written to come to life.
It is by no means the worst fanfiction I ever read (see my thread on bad fanfic) but it adds nothing to Tolkien's world and seems sort of pointless. I am sorry if my opinion upsets you but I am being honest here.
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Image from http://www.opacity.us/
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they hacked me off
Eternal Knight to my Lady Rwhen. Time out of mind
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SeverusSnape
Moderator of the Dark Arts
Alliance: The One Ring
Last Visited: 08 Sep 2010
Joined: 22 Jun 2009
Posts: 392
Location: In Your Mind
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Posted: Wed Mar 3, 2010 12:40 pm |
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This is the proper place for the comments to the story.
I deleted the post from the "story" thread and added your comments about the story to your previous post.
Thank you,
Severus Snape
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"The Dark Arts are many, varied, ever-changing and eternal. Fighting them is like fighting a many-headed monster, which, each time a neck is severed, sprouts a head even fiercer and cleverer than before. You are fighting that which is unfixed, mutating, indestructible."
Severus Snape
severussnape@theonering.com |
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