Whistler's Golden Oldies

What do you think of Tolkien on the silver screen...? Whether Bakshi, Jackson, Amazon, BBC radio play, or whoever else, come on in and discuss your reflections, opinions, and memories...

Postby Whistler » Fri Feb 23, 2001 8:07 pm

At the request of the lovely and charming Elmtree, and in celebration of my advancement to the exalted rank of Ranger of the North, I submit this repost of the following foolishness.<BR><BR><BR><BR>Most of these satires are ancient (by message board standards) and contain references to discussions which have since been lain to rest. But I think they provide interesting “snapshots” of the hot topics at various points in our short history.<BR><BR><BR><BR>There are five satires: The first targets the film industry in the language of the Silmarillion; next, there’s a bit of Tolkien-inspired country music. Then there’s a scene from a Marx Brothers version of LOTR, followed by an early scripting attempt by Dr. Seuss. Finally, Tolkien’s masterpiece is turned into a comic operetta by Gilbert and Sullivan.<BR><BR><BR><BR>Have fun. And will somebody tell me how long it takes to get the official Ranger of the North jacket and baseball cap? <BR><BR><BR><BR>Whistler<BR><BR><BR><BR>********************<BR><BR><BR><BR>THE FILMARILLION<BR><BR>Regarding the Making Of the Megabucks<BR><BR><BR><BR>Great were the wonders of the Golden Age! <BR><BR><BR><BR>For the people, in those days, purchased for themselves Seeing-Boxes, filled with light; and from within that light the Wise Ones spake unto them, and gave them counsel. And Uncle Miltie spake; and Lucy, who is called the Red-Haired, and also Amos and Andy, who are called the Politically Incorrect and are named now only in the whispers of the Ancient Ones.<BR><BR><BR><BR>And that age passed; and the people settled for a while in the Land of Mayberry, and they said unto themselves, 'Shall not another Wise One come? For wherewith now shall we be entertained?' And some of them departed unto Beverly Hills, and joined themselves to the tribe that is called the Hillbillies; and some came unto the House of Samantha, who is called the Nose-Twitcher, and there waited.<BR><BR><BR><BR>And in that time, as if in answer to the cry of the people, came Roddenberry, son of Roddenberry. And from the mind and will of Roddenberry sprang forth the Federation, and the Federation of Roddenberry begat the Trekkies, who are called among themselves the Trekkers, and among others the Geeks. And the people were glad of the Federation, and of its heroes. And among these were Spock, the Almost-Elven, and Kirk the Overdone, from whom sprang Picard of the Shining Head, and likewise the valiant ones of sundry spinoffs.<BR><BR><BR><BR>Yet in time the Federation spake no more from the Seeing-Boxes, for the people grew restless and looked instead to the greater lights that shone within the multiplexes. And the Federation was made manifest, after a time, in the multiplexes; and the people were glad.<BR><BR><BR><BR>After a time Roddenberry traveled, as is the fate of Men, the Road of No Returning; but, lo! The Federation died not, but continued for a time beyond his passing, though many of its sons grew vast in girth and purchased, in the time of their fading, toupees of great worth.<BR><BR><BR><BR>And in these days came Lucas, who is called the Almost-Spielberg. And Lucas said unto himself, 'Truly hath Roddenberry gone where no man hath gone before; yet a greater thing shall I bring forth than that which was wrought by Roddenberry; and with it shall I make the Megabucks; and all shall tremble when the Megabucks are made.'<BR><BR><BR><BR>And Lucas brought forth the Force, and truly made the Megabucks; and Lucas brought the Megabucks unto the Film Executives, and they worshipped them and said, 'Truly art thou king, for the Megabucks art brought forth by thee.' And Lucas brought forth Happy Meals, and plastic action figures, and other wondrous treasures, and offered them unto the Children of the Force, and all were content, and the Megabucks grew greater.<BR><BR><BR><BR>Then did the Trekkies make war upon the Children of the Force; but after a time they said among themselves, 'Why war we thus? Truly, some are of the Federation, and others of the Force; yet are we not all Geeks?' And so they ceased to war, and the numbers of the Geeks were doubled, and they filled all the land.<BR><BR><BR><BR>Others then said unto themselves, 'Are the Megabucks for Lucas alone?' and they sought for themselves the Megabucks. Among these was Lynch, who is called Creepy, Even By Hollywood Standards. And Lynch brought forth Dune, and perished in the making of it; and the Megabucks came not unto him, and Dune was left to wither and decay upon the shelves of the Temple of Blockbuster. Likewise fell many other heroes.<BR><BR><BR><BR>And Lucas brought forth the Force again, and yet again, and yet again; and still the Megabucks came unto him. And Lucas said, 'Forever shall the Megabucks be mine; and if the people like not Jar Jar Binks, then shall I weep all the way to the bank.'<BR><BR><BR><BR>But some of the people said, 'Is there not a greater than the Force?' and in answer came Jackson, who is called the Townsend-Sacker. And Jackson said:<BR><BR><BR><BR>'A greater song have I than that of Roddenberry, or of Lucas. And if the Megabucks are brought unto me, then shall I bring forth that song from which the Force was partly sprung, and all shall marvel. And Lucas shall bow before me, and likewise Spielberg, who is called The One.'<BR><BR><BR><BR>Then were the Megabucks brought unto Jackson, and Jackson called unto himself many of renown to serve him. Among these were Liv of the Pouty Lips, and Viggo, who is called Should Have Been a Marx Brother; and also came Ian Of the Alternative Lifestyle, and John, who is called the Big Fat Guy.<BR><BR><BR><BR>And the people said, 'Truly Jackson maketh a good thing, or so it seemeth. And if he doeth well, then shall the Megabucks come unto him, and all shall praise him. But if he doeth ill, or bringeth forth the like of Dune, then shall we rend him asunder, and his house shall fall, and great will be the stench of its burning.'<BR><BR><BR><BR>So began the tale of which the ending is not known to the Sons of Men.<BR><BR><BR><BR>********************<BR><BR><BR><BR>TOLKIEN: COUNTRY MUSIC FAN<BR><BR><BR><BR>"Lewis popped in yesterday, seeking––not for the first time!––to convert me to the camp of Madonna devotees, but of course I would have none of it. I have always been, and shall ever be, devoted exclusively to American country music, the influence of which has greatly coloured all my work. Indeed I may say that, had it not been for Dolly Parton and the endless inspiration which I have derived from her art, I should never have taken my protagonists much beyond Rivendell..."<BR><BR><BR><BR>––J.R.R. Tolkien, 1953<BR><BR><BR><BR>In light of this famous quote, I have written this country ditty which I hope will be brought to the attention of the filmmakers. The song is sung by Frodo. The chorus is provided by the Fellowship, which accompanies itself on washboards, moonshine jugs, etc.:<BR><BR><BR><BR>Frodo:<BR><BR>There's rings around the bathtub,<BR><BR>And around my cryin' eyes;<BR><BR>There's rings on fancy napkins,<BR><BR>And there's onion rings and fries;<BR><BR>There's rings that says you've gotten hitched,<BR><BR>Or won the Super Bowl;<BR><BR>But here's the Ring that whups 'em all,<BR><BR>A-whuppin' on my soul!<BR><BR><BR><BR>Chorus:<BR><BR>It's whuppin', whuppin', whuppin' <BR><BR>On this hobbit's hobbit-soul!<BR><BR>It's whuppin' him from Rivendell to Mordor!<BR><BR>His furry feet are achin',<BR><BR>And it's takin' quite a toll!<BR><BR>Too bad he hasn't got a Chevy 4-door!<BR><BR><BR><BR>Frodo:<BR><BR>I got it (on my birthday)<BR><BR>From a crazy, rich relation<BR><BR>Who stuck me with the Rulin' Ring<BR><BR>That saves or sinks Creation;<BR><BR>I'll tote 'er to the Cracks o' Doom<BR><BR>And see if I can ditch 'er;<BR><BR>I wish I was Tom Bombadil,<BR><BR>'Cause he ain't in this pitcher!<BR><BR><BR><BR>Chorus:<BR><BR>He stuck him with the Rulin' Ring<BR><BR>That made a wreck o' Gollum!<BR><BR>It's purty, but it's meaner than Lobelia!<BR><BR>And if it gets ya roped and tied,<BR><BR>The doctors (if they call 'em)<BR><BR>Will say there ain't an HMO can heal ya!<BR><BR><BR><BR>Frodo:<BR><BR>I ain't no hero ('cept compared<BR><BR>With prancin' Elven sissies)<BR><BR>And yet I'm on a mission fit<BR><BR>For Jason or Ulysses;<BR><BR>So do some thinkin', buckaroos,<BR><BR>Before ya call it simple:<BR><BR>Adventures ain't for pudgy guys<BR><BR>The size o' Shirley Temple!<BR><BR><BR><BR>Chorus:<BR><BR>He's sized like Shirley Temple,<BR><BR>But his guts are like Godzilla's!<BR><BR>He spits his chaw on anybody's turf!<BR><BR>Who cares about his pointy ears<BR><BR>And tootsies like chinchillas?<BR><BR>He'll deck ya if ya treat him like a Smurf!<BR><BR><BR><BR>Frodo:<BR><BR>To learn what happens, read the books,<BR><BR>'Cause they has got the answer:<BR><BR>We'll shuck this evil joolery,<BR><BR>We'll whup the Necromancer;<BR><BR>The king'll take his fancy throne;<BR><BR>The folks'll wave his banner;<BR><BR>But as for me, I've learnt I won't<BR><BR>Be playin' no pianer!<BR><BR><BR><BR>Chorus:<BR><BR>He'll never play pianer!<BR><BR>No, he'll have a finger swallered!<BR><BR>But him and us'll make us each a million!<BR><BR>We'll buy up half o' Valinor,<BR><BR>'Cause now they got us collared<BR><BR>To star in New Line's Nashville Silmarillion!<BR><BR><BR><BR>********************<BR><BR><BR><BR>ORC FEATHERS<BR><BR>A screen adaptation of “The Lord Of the Rings”<BR><BR>Starring the Marx Brothers<BR><BR><BR><BR>Scene: The forest of Lorien. GALADRIEL is seated on a throne. To her right is GROUCHO, dressed as Gandalf. To her left are HARPO and CHICO. HARPO is dressed as a hobbit and wears a fake beard which was obviously meant for Gandalf. CHICO is dressed partly as a dwarf, and partly as an elf, with a horned Viking helmet thrown in for good measure.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GALADRIEL:<BR><BR>Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed your stay in Lorien.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO: <BR><BR>I’ll say! And we took some great pictures of the elven-girls, but they weren’t developed. So we’ll have to come back later.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GALADRIEL:<BR><BR>(hiding embarrassment) Well, the Fellowship is always welcome.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO:<BR><BR>You know, if we added some frills we could open up a dandy bed and breakfast here. Why, we could offer a fifty-cent supper that’d really knock their eyes out. And once we knocked their eyes out, we could charge ‘em anything we liked.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GALADRIEL:<BR><BR>Oh, please be serious! Gentlemen, this is Middle-earth’s darkest hour. Danger lurks everywhere!<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO:<BR><BR>It sure does! Why, just the other day I fought a Balrog in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GALADRIEL:<BR><BR>Um...each of you must go and do his duty. But you shall go with the blessing of Galadriel. I shall give you...a phial!<BR><BR><BR><BR>(HARPO produces a file)<BR><BR><BR><BR>CHICO:<BR><BR>Look, he’sa got one already. Atsa good, atsa nice.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO:<BR><BR>Yes, it came in handy when they sentenced him to twelve years in Leavenworth. Or maybe it was ‘leven years in Twelveworth.<BR><BR><BR><BR>CHICO:<BR><BR>Maybe it was five and ten in Woolworth. Hey, lady! You got any tootsie fruitsie ice cream?<BR><BR><BR><BR>GALADRIEL:<BR><BR>Why, no! But have you tried lembas?<BR><BR><BR><BR>CHICO:<BR><BR>Only lembas I know is Christopher Colembas, and he’sa no born till 1492.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GALADRIEL:<BR><BR>No, no! It’s eleven bread. And I made it myself.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO:<BR><BR>Yes, I can see you bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove. (suddenly passionate) Oh, darling! Can’t you see that I love you? Will you marry me, my dear? Is it true that you’ve tucked away a Silmaril? Answer the second question first.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GALADRIEL:<BR><BR>Sir! This is bigamy!<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO:<BR><BR>Yes, and it’s big o’ me, too. But let’s be big, shall we? Why, I can almost see our apple-cheeked children tripping over their long white beards on their way to reform school.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GALADRIEL:<BR><BR>Sir! I am speechless.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO:<BR><BR>Stay that way, and we’ll get along fine. I’m picturing a small ceremony, just you and me and several thousand Riders of Rohan. No, just the horses. No, just the horseflies.<BR><BR><BR><BR>(HARPO extracts the Ring from his mouth and offers it to Galadriel on bended knee)<BR><BR><BR><BR>CHICO:<BR><BR>Hey, look! He’sa wanna get married, too!<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO:<BR><BR>(addressing the audience) Folks, I’m stuck in the middle of a quest, but there’s no reason the rest of you can’t sneak out to the lobby for a minute. And maybe you could bring me back a box of Raisinettes.<BR><BR><BR><BR>CHICO:<BR><BR>And tootsie-fruitsie ice cream, if they got it.<BR><BR><BR><BR>(HARPO honks a horn)<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO:<BR><BR>And a duck egg.<BR><BR><BR><BR>(HARPO honks again)<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO:<BR><BR>That’s two duck eggs. (To HARPO) Hey, I know a guy who looks like a lot like you. His name is Frodo Baggins.<BR><BR><BR><BR>CHICO:<BR><BR>He’sa Frodo Baggins.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO:<BR><BR>Okay, but I still see a resemblance.<BR><BR><BR><BR>CHICO (to HARPO):<BR><BR>He thinks you look alike. Ha, ha!<BR><BR><BR><BR>GALADRIEL:<BR><BR>(regaining composure after a brief internal struggle) No, I shall never take the Ring! I pass my test! I shall go into the West, and remain Galadriel!<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO:<BR><BR>Well, I’m riel-galad to hear you say that. Say, have we been introduced? The name is Olorin, but you can call me Mithrandir. No, you can call me Gandalf. On second thought, you can call me a taxi. Taxi, taxi!<BR><BR><BR><BR>GALADRIEL:<BR><BR>Heavens, there are no taxis in the forest!<BR><BR><BR><BR>CHICO:<BR><BR>Then we’ll hail a lembas-ine! Ha, ha! Atsa good one.<BR><BR><BR><BR>(The three begin to exit)<BR><BR><BR><BR>GALADRIEL:<BR><BR>Where will you go, my heroes?<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO:<BR><BR>Mount Doom. If you’re ever in the neighborhood...<BR><BR><BR><BR>GROUCHO and CHICO:<BR><BR>Drop in!<BR><BR><BR><BR>(HARPO honks. Exit the Fellowship)<BR><BR><BR><BR>********************<BR><BR><BR><BR>GREEN EGGS AND LEMBAS<BR><BR>Excerpt from a screenplay for THE LORD OF THE RINGS<BR><BR>by Dr. Seuss<BR><BR><BR><BR>(Scene: Bag End, after Bilbo’s party)<BR><BR><BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR><BR>That Samwise-Sam! That Samwise-Sam!<BR><BR>I do not like that Samwise-Sam!<BR><BR><BR><BR>FRODO:<BR><BR>Would you like some bread and jam?<BR><BR><BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR><BR>I do not want your bread and jam.<BR><BR>I’m busy being mad at Sam.<BR><BR>He likes to sneak. He likes to spy.<BR><BR>I’ll grind him up for hobbit pie!<BR><BR><BR><BR>FRODO:<BR><BR>Oh, do not grind him up for pie!<BR><BR>He is a pretty handy guy.<BR><BR>He mows my grass. He paints my gate.<BR><BR>He is my friend. We both are straight.<BR><BR><BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR><BR>Well, then, I will not grind up Sam!<BR><BR>Bring me bread, and bring me jam!<BR><BR>We’ll talk about another thing.<BR><BR>Tell me, do you have the ring?<BR><BR><BR><BR>FRODO:<BR><BR>I have the ring. I have it here.<BR><BR>But, mercy me! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!<BR><BR>I fear the ring is very bad,<BR><BR>The golden ring that Bilbo had!<BR><BR>Tell me, will you take the ring?<BR><BR><BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR><BR>I will not take that evil thing!<BR><BR><BR><BR>FRODO:<BR><BR>Would you, could you, by the fire?<BR><BR>Would you, could you, in the Shire?<BR><BR><BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR><BR>I would not, could not, by the fire.<BR><BR>I would not, could not, in the Shire.<BR><BR><BR><BR>FRODO:<BR><BR>Would you, could you, in a tree?<BR><BR>Would you, on the road to Bree?<BR><BR>Would you, with an orc or troll?<BR><BR>Would you, in a hobbit-hole?<BR><BR><BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR><BR>I would not, could not, in a tree.<BR><BR>I would not, on the road to Bree.<BR><BR>I would not, with an orc or troll.<BR><BR>I would not, in a hobbit-hole.<BR><BR>I will not take it here or there,<BR><BR>I will not take it anywhere!<BR><BR>For it is bad. It’s as you say.<BR><BR>You’ll have to take that ring away<BR><BR>And throw it in the Cracks of Doom!<BR><BR><BR><BR>FRODO:<BR><BR>I’ll need a friend. But who, or whom?<BR><BR><BR><BR>(Gandalf produces Sam, who has been spying)<BR><BR><BR><BR>SAM:<BR><BR>Oh, Master! Master! Sam is here!<BR><BR>He’ll wash me down with beer, I fear!<BR><BR>I do not wish to be a pie!<BR><BR><BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR><BR>I will not eat you, little spy!<BR><BR>But I will send you far away.<BR><BR>You both will go away today.<BR><BR>You’ll go to Bree. A man is there.<BR><BR>The man looks foul. The man feels fair.<BR><BR>He’ll lead you both, if all goes well,<BR><BR>To meet the elves in Rivendell.<BR><BR><BR><BR>SAM:<BR><BR>Oh, Master! We will meet the elves!<BR><BR>We’ll get to meet the elves ourselves<BR><BR>And hear them sing their elven songs!<BR><BR>We’ll hear them bong their elven-gongs<BR><BR>And strum their elven loola-lutes!<BR><BR>They’ll hoot their elven hooty-toots!<BR><BR><BR><BR>GANDALF:<BR><BR>I hope you’ll hear those loola-lutes<BR><BR>And hear the hoots of hooty-toots!<BR><BR>But go with care. To be a pie<BR><BR>Is better than to meet the Eye!<BR><BR>The Eye is mean. The Eye is red.<BR><BR>He rules nine Riders. They are dead.<BR><BR>They’ll try to make you dead, as well.<BR><BR>But will they catch you? Time will tell!<BR><BR><BR><BR>FRODO:<BR><BR>Oh, dear! Oh, dear! This is a mess!<BR><BR>We’ll have to fix this mess, I guess.<BR><BR>So we will go, just Sam and me.<BR><BR>And what will happen? We will see!<BR><BR><BR><BR>(Fade)<BR><BR><BR><BR>********************<BR><BR><BR><BR>GILBERT & SULLIVAN DO TOLKIEN<BR><BR>Excerpts from “The Elven Maiden”<BR><BR><BR><BR>It is not commonly known that the first dramatic adaptation of The Lord of the Rings was attempted (and abandoned) in the year 1897. The dramatist behind this remarkable undertaking was none other than Sir William Gilbert, whose long partnership with Sir Arthur Sullivan had produced Victorian England’s most popular works of musical theatre. Sadly, the last collaboration of the two, The Grand Duke, had won neither public nor critical acclaim. What to do next? Sullivan turned to grand opera; Gilbert resolved to try his hand at adapting a literary classic for the musical stage. Many great books were considered, then rejected. Among these were Catch-22, The Shining and Valley of the Dolls. None seemed right for Gilbert’s distinctive “topsy-turvy” humor.<BR><BR><BR><BR>Tolkien’s masterpiece, at last, provided Gilbert with the spark of inspiration he needed. True, there would be difficulties in adapting The Lord of the Rings for a two-act comic operetta, but Gilbert was determined to tackle the Herculean task. He contacted Sullivan at once, hoping to persuade the composer to provide original music for the new piece, which he would entitle “The Elven Maiden.”<BR><BR><BR><BR>Sullivan described the idea as “rather silly” and refused to cooperate. Gilbert pressed on anyway, managing at last to persuade his musical colleague to allow him the use of previously-published scores. These he used freely, certain that the brilliance of the libretto would ultimately draw Sir Arthur back for one more try at renewing the glory days of H. M. S. Pinafore and The Mikado.<BR><BR><BR><BR>Those days, however, were never to return. Gilbert wrote furiously, producing in one month enough material to fill eighteen hours of stage time, even without Tom Bombadil. But how could he trim the piece to a mere two hours? He couldn’t.<BR><BR><BR><BR>There were other problems. As can be guessed from the title, “The Elven Maiden,” Gilbert had chosen to expand the character of Lady Arwen. He discovered (too late) that in so doing he had upset the story’s delicate balance. These and other “minor” changes had reduced the epic tale to a shadow of itself. Disgusted and beaten, Gilbert tossed his unfinished libretto into a fireplace, his great career finally over.<BR><BR><BR><BR>Half-burned scraps of that libretto recently surfaced at auction and were purchased by The Whistler Institute. We have so far recovered the lyrics for three complete songs among the delicate, crumbling pages. The first among these is an introductory chorus, sung by the Fellowship, which we believe to have been written to the music of the Japanese chorus which opens The Mikado:<BR><BR><BR><BR>If you wonder about this crew,<BR><BR>We’re the Fellowship of the Ring:<BR><BR>We’re impossibly brave and true,<BR><BR>And we’ve plenty of time to sing!<BR><BR><BR><BR>With arrows and ancient swords,<BR><BR>We’re ready for hellish hordes:<BR><BR>We meet ‘em on message boards, oh!<BR><BR><BR><BR>If you’re thinking of Rankin/Bass<BR><BR>Or imagining Willow II,<BR><BR>Then you’re ignorant of the class<BR><BR>Of this marvelous mythic stew:<BR><BR><BR><BR>It isn’t a children’s frolic;<BR><BR>It’s grimmer (at times) than colic;<BR><BR>It is (and it ain’t) symbolic, oh!<BR><BR><BR><BR>The next song, sung by Gollum, also appears to have its origins in The Mikado. We believe it to be based on the song “Titwillow,” from Act Two:<BR><BR><BR><BR>In the deeps of a river, we saw a bright thing:<BR><BR>My precious! My precious, my precious!<BR><BR>And we choked little brother, and seized the One Ring:<BR><BR>(Oh, precious! My precious, my precious!)<BR><BR>And we grew rather nassssty in body and soul<BR><BR>And adopted a dialect eerily droll<BR><BR>While we feasted (at teatime) on rats, gobbled whole:<BR><BR>(Oh, precious! My precious, my precious!)<BR><BR><BR><BR>We hid in the shadows, and from the Red Eye:<BR><BR>(My precious! My precious, my precious!)<BR><BR>And we managed, we did, till the Baggins came by:<BR><BR>(Oh, precious! My precious, my precious!)<BR><BR>And the Baggins told riddles, and started to cheat,<BR><BR>And we tried to spread jam on its broad, furry feet<BR><BR>When it poofed (like a candle) and burgled our sweet:<BR><BR>My precious! My precious, my precious!<BR><BR><BR><BR>Now, we hates all the Bagginses, elder and young:<BR><BR>(My precious! My precious, my precious!)<BR><BR>And we longs for their blood on our little black tongue:<BR><BR>(Oh, precious! My precious, my precious!)<BR><BR>But we can’t never crunch ‘em, however we try:<BR><BR>They’ve reduced us to polygons (precious knows why)<BR><BR>And we’re now an illusion that’s pure CGI:<BR><BR>We hates it! We hates it, my precioussssssss!<BR><BR><BR><BR>Of course, the crowning glory of any Gilbert and Sullivan operetta is the famous (or infamous) patter song. Sung very quickly, the patter song (if completed without mistakes) seems almost like a magic trick. It is therefore appropriate that this one is given to the wizard Gandalf, even if its original version appears in Act One of The Pirates of Penzance:<BR><BR><BR><BR>I am a wand’ring Istar, which in Middle-earth vernacular<BR><BR>Defines me as a wizard, with a flair for speech oracular:<BR><BR>I’m Olorin and Mithrandir (the titles are euphonious)<BR><BR>Though Hobbits call me Gandalf, which is plain but ain’t erroneous;<BR><BR>I’m splendid in my whiskers, which I’ve tended for millennia;<BR><BR>My grey chapeau is conical, and sports a little zinnia;<BR><BR>I’m chummy with Iluvatar, but here’s an incongruity:<BR><BR>I entertain at parties for a beer and a gratuity!<BR><BR><BR><BR>Chorus:<BR><BR>He entertains at parties for a beer and a gratuity!<BR><BR><BR><BR>My brain’s encyclopedic, and perennially glad o’ facts:<BR><BR>I share ‘em (plus an apple) with my jolly colleague, Shadowfax;<BR><BR>My luxuries are limited to lembas and the lottery;<BR><BR>I’m similar to Merlin, but I’m never Harry Potter-y!<BR><BR><BR><BR>I’m something of a transient, eschewing fluff and frilleries;<BR><BR>I seldom utter “Derry dol!” or other Bombadil-eries,<BR><BR>But may (at a bar mitzvah, or an elven testimonial)<BR><BR>Delight the crowd with phrases like, A Elbereth! Gilthoniel!<BR><BR>I’ve striven with the Evil One who sank the Numenorians<BR><BR>Without the aid of Lucas and his little midichlorians;<BR><BR>I’ve sent his minions packing, though their visages are terrible:<BR><BR>The Balrog is a bully, but the Bakshi is unbear-ible!<BR><BR><BR><BR>Chorus:<BR><BR>The Balrog is a bully, but the Bakshi is unbear-ible!<BR><BR><BR><BR>I’m gentle as a hobbit, though my temper is Vesuvial;<BR><BR>I shared a box of toffee, once, with Luthien Tinuviel;<BR><BR>I tutored Lady Arwen in the skills of heroes mythical:<BR><BR>Her fighting’s fair-to-middling, but her mind is Aerosmith-ical!<BR><BR><BR><BR>I do a little juggling, and a little troll ventriloquy;<BR><BR>I’m handy with a ballad, incantation or soliloquy;<BR><BR>I suffer Tooks and Brandybucks, ignoring their buffoonery,<BR><BR>And thank the One they aren’t mass-produced in a cocoonery;<BR><BR>I trot to spots a yuppie couldn’t drive his new Suburban to<BR><BR>And visit elven princes, whom I introduced the turban to:<BR><BR>And that’s the fashion statement which (though all are fond of finery)<BR><BR>Distinguishes the Gucci ones from those in Calvin Klein-ery!<BR><BR><BR><BR>Chorus:<BR><BR>Distinguishes the Gucci ones from those in Calvin Klein-ery!<BR><BR><BR><BR>To dramatize my present quest would leave a feller panicky<BR><BR>Unless he’s lost his marbles, and his budget is Titanic-y:<BR><BR>But if he undertakes the tale, and proves himself a friend of it,<BR><BR>My blessing (and the Megabucks) will greet him at the end of it!<BR><BR><BR><BR>********************<BR><BR><BR>
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Whistler
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Postby Telemachos » Fri Feb 23, 2001 9:11 pm

Whistler, sir....<BR>(bows low)<BR>I have never seen or read such fabulous parodies all packed together... ROTFLMAO, every one of 'em! <BR><BR>Do you have any others tucked away?
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Postby FFerret » Fri Feb 23, 2001 9:16 pm

I"m speechless--WELL DONE!<BR><BR>From Kirk the Overdone to "The Elven Maiden," that was trully amazing! Gandalf's Pirates of Penzance song is my favorite by far. Omygod, the words actually FIT. How long did it take you to do that one?<BR><BR>All I can say is, we be of one blood--ye and I! <BR><BR>Congrats on your 1000th post. Here's to 1000 more.<BR><BR><BR><BR>
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Postby horge » Fri Feb 23, 2001 11:26 pm

Terrible... Simply terrible, Whistler.<BR>My sides ache and my eyes are flowing;<BR>Tremors course through my belly <BR>and a helplessly broad grin still creases my face.<BR><BR>What on earth did we ever do to deserve such exquisite torture?<BR><BR><BR>horge<BR>
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Postby Eol_of_Nan_Elmoth » Sat Feb 24, 2001 2:55 am

HAHAHA...laughing...too hard...HAHAHA...to type....<BR><BR>You rule Whistler.<BR><BR><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0>
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Postby maestrino » Sat Feb 24, 2001 3:50 am

Oh deear!!! For the past quarter of an hour I've been terribly disturbing my poor sister's violin practice in the next room with my constant shrieks of laughter!<BR><BR>Whistler that was priceless. Priceless. THANK you. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><BR><BR><BR>NB. That was a thank you for both writing it in the first place, and then re-posting it for us. As a newer member I've heard much about your original parodies, and been tantalised by expressions such as "Megabuck", and to now be let in on the secret at last is fantastic. Big hand to Elmtree too for requesting it. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0><BR>
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Postby Fëanor » Sat Feb 24, 2001 8:52 am

ROTFL, it is fantastic reading all those things again! Thank you, thank you, Whistler, you are truly amazing!<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0>
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Postby Denethor » Sat Feb 24, 2001 12:55 pm

That was an incredible piece of work ! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0><BR><BR>Well done Whistler!
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Postby Chessara » Sat Feb 24, 2001 2:18 pm

Aaahh! It's great to see "The Filmarillion" on these boards again! And the country song! Oh Whistler! Don't leave us again, it was dull without you. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0>
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Postby Ingram » Sat Feb 24, 2001 9:58 pm

That was great, Whistler. Thanks <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0>
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Postby beggin!yerpardon » Sun Feb 25, 2001 12:14 pm

good stuff whistler! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-cool.gif"border=0><BR><BR>(far be it from me to not pointlessly pile on... we ALL wanna be Rangers someday after all!)<BR><BR>edit- :eek: did I say Ranger? 977 to go... oh, ok, well shield bearer or whatever then <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif"border=0>
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Postby Hobbituk » Sun Feb 25, 2001 4:00 pm

genius
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Postby Hama » Mon Feb 26, 2001 1:01 am

Thanks for putting those up Whistler, I hadn't got a copy of the country and western song. Now I have. The Dr Seuss is still my favourite.<BR><BR>Hama.<BR><BR><BR>
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Postby Jimcalagon » Mon Feb 26, 2001 4:29 am

I second the comments of all the members of this august forum. Brilliant, especially the Marx Brothers routine.
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Postby davidm » Mon Feb 26, 2001 1:18 pm

Whistler:<BR><BR>I invite you to submit your articles so that we can publish them in our Humor section for the rest of the world to see.<BR><BR>Or, if you don't want to go to the trouble, I'd be glad to do it on your behalf, with your permission.
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Postby Whistler » Tue Feb 27, 2001 7:45 am

Thanks, everyone.<BR><BR>My ISP is down, and I'm posting from work for now. When I get things running again, I'll check in about the humor section postings.<BR><BR>Hi, jimcalagon! <BR>
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Postby Jimcalagon » Tue Feb 27, 2001 7:51 am

And a big "Hi" coming right back atcha Whistler!
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Postby Diamond of Long Cleeve » Tue Feb 27, 2001 8:06 am

Whistler and Hama -<BR><BR>The Kings of TORC Parody. Gentlemen, it's an honour.<BR><BR><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0>
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Postby JewelSong » Mon Jun 02, 2003 6:22 pm

Bumping this thread. Never did a thread so deserved to be bumped.<BR><BR>Thanks to Lidless for sending me the link! Enjoy, n00bies and 0ldies all! <img src="http://www.tolkienonline.com/mb/i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif"border=0>
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Postby Scarlet » Mon Jun 02, 2003 8:26 pm

Well this n00bie enjoyed that enormously! Oh... my face aches from so much laughter.<BR><BR>Whistler and JewelSong, my hat's off to both of you.
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Postby Whistler » Mon Jun 02, 2003 8:35 pm

Many thanks, Scarlet. Good to have you with us.
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Postby notlistening » Tue Jun 03, 2003 1:25 am

Hooray for Whistler! That was wonderful. Loved the Dr Suess the best.<BR>Thanks for brightening up my day.<img src="http://www.tolkienonline.com/mb/i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif"border=0><BR><BR>nl
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Postby Parkingtigers » Tue Jun 03, 2003 4:41 am

Genius. Pure, unadulterated genius.
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Postby Scarlet » Tue Jun 03, 2003 3:32 pm

I keep giggling at inappropriate moments, whenever the line <i>I shared a box of toffee, once, with Luthien Tinuviel</i> pops into my head. <img src="http://www.tolkienonline.com/mb/i/expressions/face-icon-small-blush.gif"border=0>
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Postby Elmtree » Tue Jun 03, 2003 5:16 pm

Ah, Jewelsong, THANK YOU For bumping this thread! When we old codgers go on about the glory days of TORC, we are not merely refering to the bloody battles between purists and revisionists... mostly, we mean Whistler's and Hama's wit!<BR><BR>
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Postby Whistler » Tue Jun 03, 2003 6:03 pm

I have a confession to make. Hama and I are the same person.
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Postby JewelSong » Tue Jun 03, 2003 6:36 pm

<i>I have a confession to make. Hama and I are the same person. </i><BR><BR>Nooooooooooooo.....!!!!!
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Postby Mr.Crowley » Tue Jun 03, 2003 8:28 pm

I like to think we're all Hama sometimes.
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Postby TheLidlessEyes » Wed Jun 04, 2003 2:05 am

No.<BR><BR>No.<BR><BR>No.
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Postby Hama » Wed Jun 04, 2003 3:20 am

Resistance is futile!
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