Twiggyleaf
Rider of the Mark
Alliance: Fangorn
Last Visited: 10 Mar 2005
Joined: 12 Jun 2002
Posts: 835
Location: Glasgow
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Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2002 3:10 am |
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The Book of Lost Tales
An extraordinary account of some of Middle Earth's lesser known characters.
- Bill the Balrog- an autobiographcial account of one of Middle Earth's most tragic victims of circumstance. Bill's diary was found by a deep miner in the land previously known as Mordor. There is no mention of him in any of the other tomes, but it is thought that he was the one that wrote: "Oh Drats, I burned the biscuits again!" on the walls of the kitchen in Utumno.
2. Oh, timeless Void - A Balrog's lament.
3. Lord Sainsbury Carrier-Baggins, lone cobbler of Michel Delving.
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Twiggyleaf
Rider of the Mark
Alliance: Fangorn
Last Visited: 10 Mar 2005
Joined: 12 Jun 2002
Posts: 835
Location: Glasgow
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Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2002 4:40 am |
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Bill the Balrog - I didnt have a pen so I wrote this in charcoal which I made from the carbon remains of fossilised trees.
My first posting to Middle Earth was as a fireweaver. In those days there was a lot of work around. Everywhere was hot and the amount of times I got splashed by molten volcanic rock is just not funny.
My first job was with a guy called Aulë. He was one of those employers that kept all his workers under very tight control. He would send us out in groups of three or four to burn already scorched land for no apparent purpose.
The only breaks we ever got were when he used to go to these corporate meetings at the Valinor Head Office. Then it was great. The Regional Manager was a pyromaniac burning balrog of Beleriand named Nero. We nicknamed him naughty Nero, because he used to singe Aulë's little dwarf figurines while he was away.
We all loved this because the figurines actually seemed like they were alive, although they were made of stone. Anyway, it was during these pleasant times that we used to get up to all sorts of fun activities like boiling whales in the deep sea by releasing volumes of molten lava through fissures in the sea bed.
Ah, the pranks that a balrog will get up to while his boss is out of the office!
It was during one of these meetings that I met this Gorthaur dude. He was very smartly dressed - white tux, good Italian shoes, and some of the most exquisite jewellery I've ever seen. He had a way of making you do what he wanted you to do. Dont ask me how. He must have been blessed by Eru or something.
Anyway, it was him that convinced me to come and work for his boss, Melkor. I hadn't really known Melkor when I was in the Void, but I did remember that he was one of the few musicians around who wrote his own songs. And I guess I always respected that.
At first, I thought, what would an aspiring songwriter want with a fireweaving Maia like myself, but Gorthaur told me that the pay would be good and I would get the experience of flame warfare. A few of the other guys had gone to work for Melkor a couple of ages before, but they had never written back, so I didn't know what to expect, but Gorthaur was very persuasive so I wrote my letter of resignation and followed him through a deep fissure up into a little meeting room in Angband.
That was my first mistake. When I got there I found out there were all these rules. No smoking in the kitchen. No burning matches without adult supervision - that kind of thing.
Even before I met Melkor, I was wishing I hadn't signed that letter, but it was too late. Aulë would never give me my old job back without a severe reprimanding, especially since me and the boys had made sure that his figurines were the ugliest little squashed dudes on Middle Earth.
I hated Melkor from the moment I set eyes on him. He was as smug as Eru himself and fancied himself as a bit of a pop star. He just sneered at me when I met him and said:" Let's see what you can do!", passing me a giant chip pan full of oil and chopped up giant potatoes.
I showed him my immolation, but the whole place went up in flames and the chips were turned to ash. "Call yourself a Balrog!" he shouted, and tied me up in my own burning whip for a thousand years.
After I was finally set free, I was put to work in the skullery of Utumno. The head chef was this psychotic Valuraukar named Gordon Ramsey. He actually waited for you to make a mistake and took great delight in grassing you up to Melkor.
There is nothing worse than to stand in disgrace in a line of erring Balrogs subjected to the emotionally scarring invective of His despite. After a hundred years of this, you were then put to the mean task of maiming one of these little dudes called elves and turning them by years of torment into things he called orcs.
Now I'm not a squeamish guy in any way, but there's only so much a guy can enjoy before it just gets boring and pointless. Well, Melkor never tired of it. Even the ones that had been tortured had to be tortured even more.
I can well believe the stories that autocratic pop singers dont have many friends.
Anyway, after my apprenticeship was over, one day Gothmog - he was the Number One balrog of Utumno - and a more unpleasant character you will never meet, unless of course you happen to sit on the chopping block of Melkor himself. So Gothmog says to me:
"Hey Bill, you grovelling dirtbag of self-immolating trash, do you feel like having a real mission to go on. A real job to make Melkor thank you and love you?"
I couldn't believe my luck. "Why, yes," I said hopefully.
"Well, there's no such job," he answers, "Melkor doesn't love anybody but himself. But you've got your first assignment anyway."
"What do I do?" I asked nervously.
"Simple," answered Gothmog, "You just wait under a rock in Angband until Melkor calls you. And when he does, you better fly toward him as if you had wings, or you'll feel the coils of my whip for the next 10 000 years."
So I waited and waited until one day I heard this terrible scream. I could swear it was the worse sound I ever heard in the whole history of Arda, and I knew it was Melkor because I recognised the tune of one of his songs. We all had to learn every song he ever wrote by heart.
So me and about twenty other Balrogs ran out. Eru only knows where they had been hiding, but we all ran screaming towards this great darkness where the sound was coming from.
Let me tell you, if I had been on my own, I would have run straight back, Gothmog or not. In front of us was the biggest hairiest spider you have ever seen. And the stench.... I dont know what that thing had been eating for the last million years. I had to use my free hand to hold my nose while we all whipped the thing with fiery cords until it dropped Melkor and ran away.
We had rescued the boss from almost certain tragedy, but did we get any word of thanks? No.
"What kept you, you morons?" he shouted. Then he held up these three shining jewels and started laughing like a madman. I was really exhausted, covered in spider bites and stained all over with arachnid poo.
We followed Melkor back to Angband, where we learned that he was now King of the World. He made this stupid iron crown and set the three jewels in it and made us grovel on the floor and say: "Oh, Lord Melkor, imagine the hit singles you will be able to write with the inspiration of the Silmarils behind you,"
I never did find out what that meant. All I remember was saying the word Silmarils with a voiced "s". It was a mistake anyone could make, but mispronunciation was the most unforgivable sin in Angband.
You should have seen the look on Melkor's face. I even caught Gorthaur cringing before I felt a giant smack from behind, and next thing you know, I'm encased in a tomb of unbreakeable rock under a burning volcano. Apparently, I've got to wait here until the end of the third age, whenever that is. I dont know why it's supposed to be the third age, cause I've already spent about ten ages in this horrible Ëa. I dont know how many times I've pined for the tranquility of the Void.
Anyway, I've been told that when the volcano above me erupts, I've to collect a ring, eight soulless spirits and a burning midget and take everything to a secret location where I must wait till the end of the world.
I'm going to stick this diary on a piece of igneous rock and chuck it up into the air when the volcano bursts. Just so somebody knows that I'm here.
And my advice is, if you've got a steady job with Aulë or Manwë or anyone else in the Valinor Corporation, don't throw it all away on the fruitless promises of working for The King of the World.
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Morisiliel
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Thranduil
Last Visited: 28 Jan 2004
Joined: 24 Jan 2002
Posts: 1865
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Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2002 10:47 am |
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LOL, Twiggyleaf, that's hilarious! did you write that yourself?
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Indo-o-Lalaith
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finrod Felagund
Last Visited: 14 Oct 2007
Joined: 22 Feb 2002
Posts: 1171
Location: San Francisco
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Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2002 11:28 am |
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ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does this come from personal frustrations and experiences with work?
Hello, I'm a signature virus. Add me to the bottom of your sig and help me take over the world
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Vanaladiel
****~Mithril Knight and Warrior Bard~**** of Eryn Lasgalen
Alliance: House of Thranduil
Last Visited: 01 Sep 2010
Joined: 02 Feb 2002
Posts: 28376
Location: Beautiful Pacific Northwest
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Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2002 7:08 pm |
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I really enjoyed that TiggyLeaf!! Thanks for heading me in this direction to find it.
Keep up the good work. Will you write more or do you want people to come up with other untold tales? 
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~*MoonLight Dancer*~
~*Sister of the Twilight*~
~*Daughter of the Moon*~
Inyë melmëlyë
My love and my husband-Guruthostirn
, for you are the melody to which I dance!!
Thank you my TORC Angel for the special gift for our Anniversary!!!  |
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Novice
Ranger of the North
Alliance: -None - Female-
Last Visited: 02 Apr 2009
Joined: 14 Feb 2002
Posts: 2734
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Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2002 9:01 pm |
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Twiggy, thanks for pointing me in this direction! I needed a good laugh in my day.
So, Melkor is a frustrated rock musician--who'da thunk it!
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Twiggyleaf
Rider of the Mark
Alliance: Fangorn
Last Visited: 10 Mar 2005
Joined: 12 Jun 2002
Posts: 835
Location: Glasgow
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Posted: Wed Jul 31, 2002 2:12 am |
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Thanks. I will probably get round to writing a few more when I get the chance or the inclination, but if anyone else wants to add, please go ahead. If you number the entry, I'll stick it into the first post index.
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scirocco
released from bonds
Alliance: House of Feanor
Last Visited: 27 Aug 2010
Joined: 04 Oct 2000
Posts: 1952
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Posted: Thu Aug 1, 2002 4:59 am |
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Very, very clever and well done, twiggy. Great! (More, more....)
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The Eagle from
Bilbo woke up with the early sun in his eyes
J.R.R. Tolkien, July 1937 |
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celadinebanks
Rider of the Mark
Alliance: default
Last Visited: 05 Jun 2003
Joined: 09 Jul 2002
Posts: 718
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Posted: Thu Aug 8, 2002 12:52 pm |
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Looks like Melkor wanted to do his own "solo act"! Looks like Ungoliant hasn't heard of Listerine! 
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fatcatdave
Ai! Ai! A Hefty-Kitty. A Hefty Kitty is come.
Alliance: Durins Folk
Last Visited: 08 Aug 2009
Joined: 07 Aug 2001
Posts: 5975
Location: With Guinness....
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Posted: Sat Aug 10, 2002 12:06 pm |
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I'll give it a go...
Part Two
Void Void Void, All there is is...Void,
I wonder what time it is, Feels like 10 past the second age
how long have I been here? Is Gothmog still alive? Does melkor still use whole sheep to floss? I wonder if that spider had any Daughters?
No No NO get that thought out of here, Whats that? WHAT IS THAT? The roofs shaking Im getting hotter The volcano's erupting oh at last freedom Freedom FREEDOM...
Bloody Dwarves
Ho hum. Is it the third age yet?
Think i'll take a nap
WhAsssssatttt? Whassssupppp someones tapping. Always the same i get my head down for a few hundred years and someone starts tapping, if its those bleedin dwarfs again then i'ma gong to be ripping someones arms off
CRASSHHHHHHH BAAAAAAAANNNNGGGGGG RRRUUUUMMMMBLLLEEEE
I'M FREEEE
Right wheres this ring? Seems to be a few more than 8 people here.
Oh Jeez the place is crawling with Dwarves, Can't abide Dwarves, Remind me of Aule.
Oh well, Now where did i put my whip?
Ah there it is, Right Dwarf soup coming up...
That passed a mindless couple of hours
What shall i do know?
I wonder if Melky is still about, I'll try the old grapevine.
Sauron? That old Wuss, I wonder if he ever got over that trick the Elf woman played on him to rescue that man... What was her name?
Luth... Luth.... Ah thats right Luther, Lex Luther. had a thing about Green rocks.
Apparently ive still got to hang about and wait for a ring... You mean he is going to phone me?
I'm going to get some Orcs to play with, and a water thing is moving into the pool.
Water thing comes round to borrow cup of sugar.
I suppose i'll just wait here then...
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You aint seen me right?
Fairy tales don't tell children that dragons exist, children already know that dragons exist... Fairytales tell children that the dragons can be defeated (G.K. Chesterton) |
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nightstalker
Citizen of Imladris
Alliance: Numenore
Last Visited: 08 Jan 2003
Joined: 08 Aug 2002
Posts: 47
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Posted: Mon Aug 12, 2002 4:09 am |
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Awesome Twiggy!
Keep on goin' man! your story's so funny!
and what about Sauron, the boss secretary???
Cheers!
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celadinebanks
Rider of the Mark
Alliance: default
Last Visited: 05 Jun 2003
Joined: 09 Jul 2002
Posts: 718
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Posted: Mon Aug 12, 2002 12:03 pm |
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Welcome to the wonderful world of TORC nightstalker! May you have lots of fun and plenty of laughs!
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Sevasca~Draca
Citizen of Imladris
Alliance: Numenore
Last Visited: 06 Nov 2003
Joined: 24 Jul 2002
Posts: 41
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Posted: Mon Aug 12, 2002 2:07 pm |
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ROTFLOL! That's hilarious! I've always loved those things!
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Twiggyleaf
Rider of the Mark
Alliance: Fangorn
Last Visited: 10 Mar 2005
Joined: 12 Jun 2002
Posts: 835
Location: Glasgow
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Posted: Mon Aug 12, 2002 4:51 pm |
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3. The Secret Diary of Lord Sainsbury Carrier-Baggins, lone cobbler of Michel Delving
As a young hobbit, I always knew I was different from other hobbits. During my first interschool athletics tournament at Waymoot Primary, I was the only one who didnt laugh when Fatty Plodhopper stood on a 3 inch devils thorn during the second last heat of the egg and spoon race.
I remember going home to my mum and dad and telling them that I would revolutionize hobbit existence by opening the first cobbler shop in the shire.
Of course they just laughed at me - you know how parents are! But I was stubborn as a stoor and wouldnt be swayed from my dream.
I had a rich uncle, twice removed who lived over in Hobbiton, so I approached him about my idea and negotiated a loan. I think he thought I was as mad as any hobbit he'd ever listened to but he was a bit on the queer side himself so he fronted the money and I rented a little stall in Michel Delving.
There never was much business in Michel Delving, but it was my best shot so I set up and waited for the orders to come pouring in. After my first year, I realised that business was particularly slow, so I found myself keeping a diary as a means of pretending to be busy.
Jan 3, 3001 - First anniversary of the store today. I had a big party and gave away lots of little miniboots for people to hang up on the rear mirrors of their carts.
Feb 4, 3001 - They say that business in January is often slow, and there is no exception to this in Michel Delving, especially in the shoe trade. I was encouraged by the mayor asking if he could display a pair of my Fallowhide flip flops in the Mathom House. It was like free marketing so I agreed and donated my best pair.
Feb 6, 3001 - The flip flops look great in the mathom house. But I still havent sold any shoes. As part of my intense marketing plan, I have taken to wearing shoes myself and walking around the shire at weekends showing off my wares.
Feb 13, 3001 - The shoes are hurting my feet, and giving me blisters. Also, my hairs keep getting caught in the laces, so I have invented a new thing called socks. They are like soft inner shoes made of wool. I have put up a sock rack outside the shop and although I havent had any sales, several hobbits have stopped to look.
Mar 15, 3001 - I have called a business meeting with the mayor and some of the local farmers. They have agreed to listen to me as long as I dont try to sell them any shoes.
Mar 16, 3001 - the meeting went quite well. I gave them a demonstration of me with shoes and socks on jumping up and down on a sheep's poo. Farmer Brandybum said he liked my technique but that his wife hadnt allowed a budget for shoes for this year.
Apr 10, 3001 - Yipee! I made my first sale today. It wasnt shoes, but a pair of laces that I sold to some silly stoor who'd lost his keyring - I showed him how easily laces could double up as a keyring, and gave him a free pair of socks, which he said he will use as money pouches.
May 21, 3001 - Today is my birthday. The only thing I really have to give people is shoes. None were returned, so I expect that once they start using them, they'll be back for more.
June 6, 3001 - Uncle bilbo's money is beginning to run out. I still have enough capital to make another 3000 pairs of shoes, so I am going to get to work.
July 19, 3001 - Last night I crept out into the street and spread broken glass all over the place. I sure hope they don't think it's me. Anyway, I also made a new sign for the front of the stall that reads: "Tired of walking barefoot through broken glass? Slip in to a nice pair of shoes and laugh at the bloody feet of those fools around you."
August 23, 3001 - The mayor made me take down my sign. He also got two big fat bounders to come around and tell me in no uncertain terms that the spreading of broken glass in the streets was uncool. I dont know who squealed, but it sure puts a dampener on my business prospects.
August 24, 3001 - My old friend, Angus Ruddyface suggested that I take my shoes to Bree and try and sell them to big people's kids. quite a good idea, but he is forgetting one thing. That sounds like too much of an adventure to me.
September 3, 3001 - There's going to be a huge party down at Bag End this month. I've organised a stall and there will be loads of free booze, so maybe, just maybe, the revellers will be sloshed enough to buy a few pairs.
September 23, 3001 - It really was a good party, but shoe sales didnt go down too well. I think it really is time to start thinking about another line.
October 13, 3001 - Well, I've done it. Finally, I've given up being a cobbler. I gave away all the shoes to the Michel Delving mathom house and have decided to live off my mum and dad's estate. They seem quite happy and said they never really liked me being in the shoe business anyway.
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Indo-o-Lalaith
Ranger of the North
Alliance: House of Finrod Felagund
Last Visited: 14 Oct 2007
Joined: 22 Feb 2002
Posts: 1171
Location: San Francisco
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Posted: Mon Aug 12, 2002 5:34 pm |
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LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got anything on elves?
Hello, I'm a signature virus.
Add me to the bottom of your sig and help me take over the world.
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prettygaladriel
Mariner
Alliance: Minas Morgul
Last Visited: 02 Sep 2008
Joined: 28 Jan 2002
Posts: 5894
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Posted: Mon Oct 14, 2002 3:02 am |
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LOL Twiggy! Well, i thought you could type a lot of nonsense before, but that was nothing compared to this, apparently! Not that this is nonsense...
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fatcatdave
Ai! Ai! A Hefty-Kitty. A Hefty Kitty is come.
Alliance: Durins Folk
Last Visited: 08 Aug 2009
Joined: 07 Aug 2001
Posts: 5975
Location: With Guinness....
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Posted: Tue Oct 15, 2002 1:29 am |
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Lets get this back up ti the top where it belongs.
Up with my fairytales.
*bump*
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You aint seen me right?
Fairy tales don't tell children that dragons exist, children already know that dragons exist... Fairytales tell children that the dragons can be defeated (G.K. Chesterton) |
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celadinebanks
Rider of the Mark
Alliance: default
Last Visited: 05 Jun 2003
Joined: 09 Jul 2002
Posts: 718
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Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2002 11:26 am |
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My thoughts exactly, FCD!
*bump*
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Ohdarn,son.of.Ohtar
Citizen of Imladris
Alliance: Gondor
Last Visited: 30 Jan 2004
Joined: 15 Aug 2002
Posts: 51
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Posted: Mon Oct 21, 2002 6:36 pm |
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I know of some pop stars that I wouldn't mind if they disappeared for several ages, or disappeared into the void, or stayed in a burning pit until the end of the world....
great story twiggyleaf
*bumps thread*
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Twiggyleaf
Rider of the Mark
Alliance: Fangorn
Last Visited: 10 Mar 2005
Joined: 12 Jun 2002
Posts: 835
Location: Glasgow
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Posted: Fri Nov 1, 2002 1:30 am |
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Hey, the thredz still alive!!!
Wow, so reincarnation's not just a brand of recycled milk!
Time for another lost tale methinks!
Coming soon....watch the space.............
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prettygaladriel
Mariner
Alliance: Minas Morgul
Last Visited: 02 Sep 2008
Joined: 28 Jan 2002
Posts: 5894
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Posted: Fri Nov 1, 2002 3:35 am |
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Watching......
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Goto:
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