Lord of the Things

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Lord of the Things

Postby Errand » Wed Dec 08, 2004 8:53 am

AND LO! As the leaves of summer fade into autumnal hues, the Third Age comes closer to its end. But hark, for the wind brings dire portents from the black East. They are the winds of war, yea verily, for Mordor rises from the ashes and the One Whose Name Is Not Spoken Of Except In A Really Vague Way That's Not Fooling Anyone, stretches forth his hands o'er the land!

AND SO! It was decided that Something should probably be done about it. THUS, Elrond Half-Elven of the House of Elrond, in fair Imladris where the Elves dance with the merry breeze, called forth BOLDE ADVENTURERS from all the corners of Middle Earth. LO! Aragorn son of Arathorn stepped forward, with the Kalshnikov That Once Was Jammed But Was Now Unjammed And Equipped With A Totally Sweet Silencer.

Boromir, son of someone whose name doesn't rhyme and so is harder to remember, came forth upon his steed, a 1999 Civic Si-R2 hatchback. He explained his lateness due to a tire going flat while drag racing across Rauros Falls.

Legolas son of Eggolas lent his trusty bow, as well as several flashbangs and proximity mines to the Noble Quest.

Gimli son of Gloin, though small of stature, was definitely not small of heart, as he supplied the Fellowship with Mithril Flak Jackets.

Then there were a queer bunch of hobbits. They weren't really important, except for Frodo who had to go to Mordor and deliver the Ring to Mount Doom before the end of the week or he would die. Or maybe that was just some crappy Hollywood remake of a Japanese horror film, but I digress...

Anyway, they went forth bravely, led by the indomitable Gandalf the Grey, and were all killed before the end of the day. Since the brand name heroes were done for, it was decided to fall back on Plan B, wherein a bunch of wannabes would make some half-assed go at it.

AND SO THE FATE OF MIDDLE EARTH HANGS IN THE BALANCE! ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO SAVE MIDDLE EARTH!?
_____________________________________________________________________

In a clearing in fair Imladris, a tense council was held. All the free races of Middle Earth were represented; Men, Elves, Hobbits, and Dwarves. The Council was assembled in such a way that all members were seated in a circle. A speaker would rise forth and step into the middle of the circles if he wished to discuss an issue.

Elrond stepped forth and held up one fair hand.

"West Side 4 Lyfe." he intoned in a commanding voice, while repping the sign.

"West Side." the other repeated, also repping it to the fullest.

Elrond looked at all the assembled and nodded. "As you know, Gandalf and the others were totally killed the other day and the Ring was ganked by one of those Black Ryderz. We need some peeps to rep the West Side and sally forth, yea even unto Mordor itself to recover it, risking life and limb, and perhaps, even their very souls."

"And what shall we do with this Ring once we retrieve it?" a fair elf asked.

"Dump it into a volcano. Next question."

A dwarf stood up angrily and swung his mighty axe mightily. "RAWR!" he roared "I AM FILLED WITH RAGE FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON!!!!"

An elf sniffed haughtily and drank some fairy draught.

"Okay, so it's settled." Elrond decided. "Who shall step forth?"

Suddenly, a mighty roar, that was not the rampaging dwarf, was heard, not too far off. LO! A 1997 Mazda RX-7 FD came into view of the startled council!

"Whose twin rotary powered steed is this!?" asked the startled Council members.

The hiss of the turbo cooling off filled the air. A man emerged from the door. His silvery track suit gleamed in the morning sun and the light reflected off his blonde eyes and blue hair. In his hand, he carried nunchakus, and strapped to his side were shuriken.

"Yo." he proclaimed. "I'm Kazuya, master of the Osakan fighting style. You can call me Kaz."

"Hey Kaz"
"Sup Kaz?"
"Sweet steed, you got there."

"Thanks."

Elrond stepped forth. "Kazuya, you must understand the risks of venturing into the East Side."

"Nay, for I have been there before."

"GASP!" the Council gasped. This man was indeed brave,

"Yea, for must not a man venture into areas that are unsightly by common view if indeed he must?" Kaz modestly explained. "What surprise then if I must go even unto the Black Land?"

"But do you know of the Black Ryderz?" a fair elf asked. "They are fearsome!"

To the astonishment of all, Kaz explained that he had in fact met them just recently. "Yea, for I was drifting down Amon Hill when I noticed a black R-32 Nissan Skyline GT-R riding my tail. He flashed his high beams and it was on from there. You do not know true terror until you take five consecutive hairpin turns, with a steep cliff on one side and a steel railing on the other. All while followed by a monstrous GT-R with what appeared to be 500 HP."

They all murmured and nodded in agreement.

"But come daylight, he suddenly left, perhaps to my fortune, for he was gaining on me from an inside corner."

"Very well." said Elrond. "You are deemed worthy of the Fellowship ver. 2.0, Kazuya. Now we'll wait for some other peeps. "

"Kewl. And if no one else comes?"

"Eh."

And so!
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Postby Elfkin » Thu Dec 09, 2004 10:12 am

A couple of the people at the Council looked up at a sudden voice, echoing from within the Last Homely House; the rest just ignored it. The voice was that of one who is trying to make up for the lack of their size by the strength of their lungs. It was singing a song. The song was about a hedgehog.

Kazuya cocked an eyebrow, then went back to looking heroic.

The voice got louder: as it seemed impossible that the singing itself could increase in volume, it appeared plausible to assume that the singer was getting closer. And closer. And closer still.

At last, when the more sensitive-eared (and delicate-mannered) Elves were falling out of their chairs, Elrond went to investigate. A moment later the singing was cut off abruptly – many there sighed in relief – and the Lord of Rivendell returned, ushering before him an incredibly short little girl with a shock of greenish-brown hair and ridiculously big boots. She opened her mouth, and most of the Council flinched away, but all she said was:

“I will take the Ring, though I have not read the script.”

Elrond bopped her. “We haven’t even found the blasted thing yet.”
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Sat Dec 11, 2004 10:35 pm

With an enormous thudding of air, a large black creature swoops over the company at tree top level. Immediately the elves dash for their combs and brushes to remove the leaves and tangles from their perfect hair. The beast makes a second pass and hovers momentarily over their heads; they are greatly relieved to see that it is only one of Gondor's black, unmarked AH-64As, seldom seen this far from their lofty aeries to the south.

A cable is lowered, and a lone figure repels into the center of the council. As the Apache zips away, he removes his helmet and speaks:

'Give me leave, Master Elrond, first to say more of Gondor, for verily I am Morabeer from the land of Gondor. And it would be well for all to know what passes there.'

'You better believe that in the land of Gondor the blood of Numenor is spent, and it's pride and dignity long forgotten; for we are roaring drunk so much of the time we don't know what the heck is going on. We do have one helluva good time, though.'

'And still, it is by our alcohol-induced valour and well placed anti-personnel mines that the wild folk of the East are restrained, and thus alone are peace and freedom maintained for all of you dwarves and fairies. For the Nameless Enemy has arisen again. Smoke arises once more from Orodruin that we call Mount Bong. The power of the Black Land grows and we are hard beset.'

'I come to ask the council for the unravelling of hard words. For a dream came to my brother in a troubled sleep; and afterwards, a like dream came oft to him again and once to me. Or maybe we saw it on TV.'

'In that dream I thought the eastern sky grew dark and there was a growing thunder, but in the West a pale light lingered, and out of it I heard a voice, remote but clear, crying:

Seek for the Elf that is half-baken:
It is in Imladris he dwells;
There shall his counsels be taken
They're as pungent as Morgul smells.
There shall be lots of tokin
So keep your bowl at hand,
For Isildur's pipeweed will be smoken,
And the Halfling will be last to stand.

And I wanna talk to that Arwen chick. I hear she knows a good Arrowsmith...
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Postby ArienelFeawen » Sat Dec 11, 2004 11:31 pm

Following Morabeer of Gondor was Javiera of only the Valar know. Her curiously long cape swept the stone floor, causing a great cloud of dust and leaves to fly into the others faces.

“I have come to join this partay, even thought I don’t think much of golden rings,” she announced, glancing at her long, green nails. “I prefer silver to gold, actually.”

“You aren’t gonna keep the ring, homie-G, you’re gonna destroy it,” Elrond replied, rolling his eyes.

Disappointed, Javiera planted an Ugg clad foot firmly on the floor. “Then what’s in this lil misadventure for me, eh?”

“Beer?” Morabeer suggested.

“I don’t like beer really, just silver,” Javiera replied lazily.

“A manicure?” Kaz asked.

“Just had one,” Javiera said, holding out her sparkly nails for all to see.

“Preddy,” proclaimed the elves. “Where’d you get them done?” one asked, staring at his own, plain French manicure.

“O, at this little spot called, ‘ME Nails,’ you should go and find it. I don't remember..." A blank look came over her face. "Anywho, what do I get,” she questioned again, crossing her arms.

“O, dear, let me see,” Amadi said sing-songedly. “Silver?”

“Done,” Javiera responded, holding out her hand for the petit woman to shake, but instead she got a high five. Javiera suddenly looked rather confused.

“OOOO, we’re going to find the ring, the missing ring of Mordor!!!” Amadi belted, to everyone’s dismay.

Arien
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Postby Monoceros » Sun Dec 12, 2004 4:30 am

The Most strange object tat ever had been seen in ME, was circling above the place where fair elves? men and dwarves.... and yes, hobbit were holding a council. Aragorn heard some annoying noise above and looked up.

"Arrrggg, kill them aaaaaall," he roared and aimed his AKA at the round plate with thousands of flashes. "Diiiieee!!!!" And pushed the trigger. Bullets flew on the wings of anger and reached UFO.

The vessel turned over and smoke raised from its bottom. It crashed right in the middle of the council, on the preciousssss Ring. The One Ring was so hard that it broke the vessel into two parts.

Everything was covered with black smog. Out of the depth of the space ship went out a slim figure. It trembled an then became solid taking the form of a very pretty girl. She produced something but they didn't understand her. She frowned and pressed some buttons on her helmet.

"Hello, Middle-Earthers. I'm Ireth. Your nasty ring broke my space ship, and now I cannot return home. You have to repair it." she said.

Everyone kept silence, but then Elrond said, "Help us to throw this nasty Ring into volcano of Mount Dooooom, and thus, you'll revenge it."

Ireth thought a little, "But I asked you to repair my ship..."

"First help us in our quest."

"Ok, but who will pay for the mending?"

"Oh, don't worry, the One Whose Name Is Not Spoken Of Except In A Really Vague Way That's Not Fooling Anyone will gladly help you." said Elrond firmly.

Ireth narrowed her eyes and said, "You are not lying, aren't you?"

"No, No. How could you think this? I never lie."

"Ok, then."
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Postby Errand » Mon Dec 13, 2004 10:05 am

"Ah, yes, yes..." mused Elrond. "Of course we will pay you once the Ring here, next to Aragorn - wha!? Wait a minute! THERE IS NO RING! AND ARAGORN IS DEAD!"

Elrond furiously brought up the White Council forums from his Dell laptop and scanned through the stinking cesspool of amateur writing that is the Prancing Pony before choosing the worst of the lot.

"Ah, here it is, Lord of the Things by Errand. Right here! Right here!" he shook the screen at Ireth. "Where have you been the last few posts!? I've already explained it to shorty there. READ IT!"

"Legolas stroked Gimli's beard. 'My it's so long' he whispered."

"YOU SAW NOTHING!" the fair elf screamed and promptly shut off the power.

While that was going on, Kaz stood nearby with a far away look in his eyes as he looked far away. "Ah, Gondor." he said, trying to get everyone to pay attention to him again. "Well I remember it from my long gone past..."

The high walls loomed up, challenging the very heavens themselves. White as the first snow of winter they were, strong and proud and unyielding. Within, cherry blossom petals floated gently down, delicate pink slips signifying the short, but beautiful life of a samurai. Fried okonomiyaki, freshly cooked ramen with miso, and sweet mizu yokan were sold by the various street vendors. Men and women and children dressed in their brightest kimonos for the Sakura festival day. The daimyo and his retainers were dressed extravagantly, preparing to meet the shogun...

"... I don't think that's Gondor." someone said.

"More importantly, shouldn't we get this quest underway?" an elf said. "First off, there's the problem of the Ring itself- "

"HO!" yelled a dwarf. "SUDDENLY I WILL DO THIS!!!!!!!!"

And he promptly smashed the Council Table in half with mighty blow.

"Wha... what was that for?" Elrond asked, picking splinters from his fair hair.

Meanwhile, a hasty plot was actually beginning to form as the sound of several inline 6 cylinder engine with forced induction was heard nearby...
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Tue Dec 14, 2004 11:05 pm

Morabeer gets up, set his beer upon Elfkin's head, and begins to walk about impatiently.

"We of Minas Tirith do not desire the power of wizard-lords that the ring bestows; only that our livers hold out long enough to defend ourselves in our just cause. And behold! in our need chance brings to light the Ring of Power! It was a gift, I say; a gift to the foes of Mordor!"

"And what does Eyebrows here do? He lets a halfling carry it blindly into Mordor and offer it to the Enemy on a mithril platter! Miserable Trickster! Let me get my hands on you! I see your mind! You have given the Ring to Sauron and sold us all!"

He rushes towards Elrond, then catches his foot on a stone,and falls sprawling upon Ireth. He hears himself crying out: "Never! Never!" Or was it: "Verily I come, I come to you?" Then as a flash from some other point of power there came to his mind another thought: "Take it off! Take it off! Fool, take it off!"

Horsemen were galloping on the grass of Rohan; wolves poured from Isengard; from the havens of Harad ships of war put out to sea; and out of the East men were moving endlessly: swordsmen, spearmen, horses upon bowmen, chariots of chieftains and laiden wains. Suddenly, four hobbits burst into the clearing, startling the council and the snipers they had placed strategically around the perimeter. The four fell instantly, dead before they hit the ground; pierced with many arrows.

Morabeer rises and scoops up the nearest hobbit. "What have I done? Frodo? Frodo? Come back! A madness took me, but it has passed! Come back! COME BACK YOU MISERABLE HALFLING! CURSE YOU! CURSE YOU AND ALL HALFLINGS TO DEATH AND DARKNESS!" He lifts the carcass over his head and flings it across the clearing. It lands on Javiera's lap with it's head twisted at a sickening angle and it's tongue sticking out. All hell breaks loose: everyone is yelling and screaming and crying and hurting and waving their arms around.

Kazuya's mind is still filled with cherry blossom petals; it is a beautiful spring day, as he receives the daimyo.
"Aah..Tokugawa...I see you have brought many Ashigaru. Let us write some haikus, practice some flower arranging and calligraphy, and then, and only then shall you help me work on the 442's modified turbo-hydramatic transmission."
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Postby Errand » Thu Dec 16, 2004 10:33 am

All of a sudden and for no real reason, four black Skyline GT-R's, rangng from the R31 classic all the way to the newer R-34 Nürburgring special edition, roared out of the surrounding trees. They immediately lost traction and crashed into those self same trees since they were not really meant for off-road driving, but it was a menacing display nonetheless. The Black Ryderz had arrived.

A fair elven sniper rushed to report the latest to Elrond. "Master Elrond! Our wooden arrows have no effect on the steel chassis of their steeds! How can this BE!?"

"They are not of this world." Master Elrond replied. "Or rather, they are of this world, but half in another. Some crazy crap like that, or so I deem."

Kaz, meanwhile, was reflecting on the sudden change in hue of the sakura petals in his flashback.

"I deem their color has changed," he whispered. "From the delicate pink to a darker hue. The color the light of the sun makes as it lowers into the horizon, the yellow bleeding into... a sort of red. And yet... this red... it seems I should recognize it."

As the blood of the hobbit corpse Morabeer was wrestling with splashed generously onto Kazuya, the young (part elf) Ranger sensed something was amiss.

"I smell motor oil..." he mused as a black Skyline just missed running him over. "Could it be... ? Nay, surely not the Black Ryderz!?"

"'Tis them!" someone cried. "We must flee before their RB26DETT 500 horsepower wrath!"

"NAY!!!!" said a dwarf. "LET THEM COME I SAY!"

"NAY!!!!!!!!" said another dwarf, more vehemently, feet firmly planted in the path of an onrushing car. "LET US FIRST GIVE THEM ALL OUR WEAPONS AND THEN LET THEM COME!"

"AND LET'S BLINDFOLD OURSELVES AS WELL AS TIE ONE HAND AND FOOT BEHIND OUR BACKS WHILE WE'RE AT IT! WE'RE DWARVES! RAWR!!!"

As they were being killed, LO! But what should come out of this dark day but a ray of light from on high? Kazuya looked up a hill and hope lit his eyes! For it was none other than the great elf Glorfindel whom he knew from many travels in the great woods.

"Yowh atüpm y hom ie!?" Kazuya cried in the High Speech.

"Jüstchi llingj aywhatab o utyoüd awg?" Glorfindel replied as he made his way down.

Then suddenly, an even brighter ray of light appeared and who should run over Glorfindel but the beautiful nightingale, Arwen Undomiel? Fair she was, as the starry night, bright were her high beams as the full moon, blue was her Chevy Trailblazer as was her dress, 65 mph over the speed limit was she driving.

She quickly made her way to the Fellowship 2.0 and opened the doors. When she spoke it was if Varda herself had come from the pages of the Valaquenta, down from her mountain throne set besides Manwe.
" I want personal information from you, don't give it to me. evry1?"

"16/m/Eriador" Kazuya replied before running off to say farewell to Elrond HalfElven.

"Will you be alright?"

"Fear not," Elrond said, putting on a pair of really slick shades. Suddenly, another voice, alarmingly like Elrond's, sounded nearby. Kazuya turned his head only to find another Elrond!

"Don't worry Mr. Mishima," said the Elrond twin.

"We'll handle this." said a clone opposite him

All around were hundreds of Elronds, and they suddenly started doing all sorts of crazy slow-mo wire fu crap while spouting half baked philosophy.

Seeing things would be taken care of here, Kazuya ran off to catch up with Arwen's SUV.
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:04 pm

Kaz looked over his shoulder; the Ryderz were plowing through the field of Elronds after him. The ground was covered with a gruesome Hugorrific paste; thanks to their insufficient ground clearance, and the tendency of Elrond's cranium to get lodged in the wheel wells, the black menaces could only gain ground slowly.

Arwen's vehicle was fish tailing wildly, trying to dodge the remaining dwarves, whom had shed their armor and clothing, parted their hair and beards into enormous pig tails, and were skipping and prancing into her path.
"RAWR! DON'T FERGIT YER SALTED PORK, LASSIE!"

Kaz was almost upon the SUV; Morabeer stood on the rear bumper, holding onto the luggage rack with his sword hand and wielding a bottle in the other. He shouts to anyone in particular:
"Make for the Gap of Rohan!" *gulpgulpgulp* "And the White City!" *flings empty bottle through windshield of approaching ryder- which careens onto a narrow bridge of stone without a parapet, is launched majestically into the air and crashes in a huge fireball into the Last Homely House. "Let them come! I shall offer their hides to my father- to make broth of..."

Kaz dives and grabs the rear bumper: his eyes momentarily rest on a bumper sticker that reads I BRAKE FOR LURTZ'S HEAD. Hauling himself up, he pears into the passenger compartment. Elfkin is riding shotgun; Juviera and Ireth are in back. All of the blood has rushed from their faces into their feet, leaving them the color of Arwen's high beams. The Evenstar, who in fact was driving topless, responded to the warg whistles coming from the gents by strategically applying two pieces of electrical tape and stomping on the accelerator.
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Postby Elfkin » Thu Dec 23, 2004 2:06 pm

Elfkin, sitting on the shotgun strapped to and sticking out of the roof, thanked whatever deities may have been listening that she was not male. The thin barrel was pressing into places enuchs were not meant to wot of. And the beer can was still on her head. She was starting to think Morabeer had put superglue on the bottom.

Cheerfully riding the none-too-secure shotgun, Elfkin reached into the dark and mysterious recesses of one of her pockets and pulled out a large spider, which she flung at the approaching Ryderz. It hit one in the throat, smiting him mightily, and spun him up in sticky fluid. Elfkin whooped and quickly clutched the gun as she slid sideways. Behind them, another Ryder impaled the spider, cut the fluid away from his comrade's face, and took something from around his neck without breaking the strands around his neck. Hmm.
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Postby Echo_Starlite » Tue Dec 28, 2004 8:19 pm

"May I make a suggestion?" offered a scragly looking young man standing precariously on the edge of some sort of precipice.

Of course, no one payed him any form of attention; rampaging motor vehicles tend to consume all of one's attention, and so Doug, as his parents had been kind enough to name him in their drunken snow-encapsuled stupor, decided to do his thang.

With lightning speed and precision, he plugged his Wave Bird illuminated controller into a handy ground port and mashed wildly at the buttons and controls like a man possessed, for that he was.

Simultaneously, Glorfindel did a half-spin into a high kick, Kaz flailed wildly in no particular direction, Morabeer attempted an interpretive dance, and a volatile explosion and rain of schrapnel announced the collision of several vehicles at rather high speed.

"That's odd," Doug said, pushing his heavy glasses up his nose and snorting dryly. "I don't remember this interface being so clunky. Maybe I need a Ram expander for this version..."

A tire careened past his head, followed by shrieks and wails of pain as a series of more violent explosions erupted from the eratic traffic.

"Then again the resolution isn't very high. It could be a problem with the server, or the connection might be bad..."

The remaining Skyline slammed into a line of Elven archers who had randomly appeared for the exact purpose of being slammed into by a speeding automobile. Arwen's car flipped twice and landed upside down on a jubilant group of dwarves celebrating the downfall of the Elven archers.

"There don't seem to be any button combinations that I can utilize, either..."

Doug pressed all four shoulder buttons, did a half circle with the left joystick, and pushed the "A" button twice; Elfkin was suddenly clad in a French maid's costume, complete with feather duster and fishnet stockings, but only for as long as it took Doug to release the upper shoulder buttons.

"Dude, cut it out!" shouted Elrond, storming over quite suddenly and snatching his controller away. "You can't go around controlling the main action!"

"This isn't a two-player game," Doug spat back, snatching the controller back and smashing Elrond in the face with it. Elrond spun crazily around, fell to the ground unconscious, and farted.

"Aaaand that wasn't my fault," Doug said after a moment, unplugging his controller, fixing his cape, and jumping out of the way of yet more raining schrapnel from the ever-increasing piles of mutilated bodies and exploding cars. Whistling 'Tip Toe Through the Tulips,' he set off at a brisk pace toward Arwen's overturned Trailblazer and the growing gaggle of onlookers around it.
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Postby Errand » Thu Dec 30, 2004 10:22 am

"Morabeer, my noble countryman," said Kaz as the SUV caught on fire. "Long has it been since I have seen the White City that has been our ancestral dwelling 'ere the tides of war most nefarious swept away the Royal Blood that was to sit on the throne which thy stewards have kept most faithfully."

The very air itself seemed to turn a softer hue as Kazuya spoke, perhaps because of the immense heat that resulted from the explosion of the SUV. Cherry blossom petals and shrapnel drifted gently down around him and a cool breeze ruffled his slightly singed hair.

"Yet... " he paused in despairing angst. "Can this truly be the path on which we must put our reluctant foot upon? For yea, I say to you, the White City is a bastion of defense and never truer an example of valorous manhood than the stout and drunk men of Minas Tirith has existed since the time of Numenor most fair. But 'tis a darker path, or so I deem, that awaits us. Yea even unto Mordor."

Immediately Morabeer bumrushed Kazuya and sent him flying with a slap. "DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT BLACK LAND IN THIS BLACK LAND!" he roared and the others nodded sagely if somewhat uncertainly.

"But your words ring true," he admitted as he picked out some petals from his brew. "I think anyway. I wasn't really paying attention. We drive... TO CAMELOT!"

"One does not simply drive into Camelot." Elfkin said sd everyone ignored her since she was rather on the short side.
Kaz meanwhile landed smack dab into Doug, then promptly secured a new steed for the fellowship.

"Come hither my friends!" he cried. "My Mazda RX-7, third generation FD3S, Spirit Type A, shall carry us out of this deadly ambush. Surely with it's 340 HP and superior rear wheel drive cornering, it can even outrun the Black Ryderz!"

And so the Fellowship rushed to Kazuya's side and stayed there because there was no way more than two people were going to fit inside the rather small car.

"We must find a way to lose these Black Ryderz.." Kazuya said.

"They fear fire." said grim Morabeer. "In Minas Tirith we have legends of ancient kings fighting with flamethrowers and napalm."

"That may be," said Kazuya. "But they also fear one other thing, a thing that gives life to all, which men may cross, but they may never.... yes, I speak of curry."
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Postby Tobias_Red-tail » Fri Dec 31, 2004 1:09 pm

The Ferrari sped into the scene, a beautiful, as well as extremely expensive, car. However, for all its beauty, the vehicle, painted as black as midnight, had now sustained a long scratch along its side, the unfortunate result of the owner barely missing being crushed by the first flip of the SUV, by making a dangerous swerve to the side that had nearly missed some tree. Shuzette parked her car some distance away from the flaming SUV, but within walking distance from the assembled group by the Mazda, who seemed to be the group in charge after the other elf guy fainted.

The parking done, she flung open the door, and stormed out, the very image of teenaged fury, with long, dyed-blond hair flying about her slim figure, which was dressed in a mini dress that clung to every curve, and storming forward in unnaturally high boots. Once she reached them, she began jabbing a finger, with the nail perfectly manicured and painted black, in the direction of Kazuya, who just seemed to be the ragtag group’s leader.

“Who’s going to pay for the damage done to my precious car, eh? I don’t give a **** about what you do with YOUR cars… But you ruined my Ferrari! How can I drive it now, with its flawless ebon side now marred with a scratch that is YOUR fault?! My reputation is at stake! How can a model drive an imperfect car? It'll take ages to be shipped back to a decent workshop, you know?! And,” she added upon seeing the clueless looks on everyones' faces, "I'm not some common model anyone can pick up from an agency too, you know. My name is Shuzette A. Hargreaves... the regular covergirl of SeventeenME. My father is the man who owns the breweries that supplies the beer to Minas Tirith too, you know! He can hire the best lawyer around to sue you bunch for the damage you guys did to my car!"

However, her tirade came to an abrupt halt when one of the weird guys in black approached the company. Then, to put it quite simply, and despite the guy being quite far away at the moment, she freaked out.

Instinctively, she grabbed hold of Kaz, whom she had been yelling at only moments ago, by the arm, and proceeded on to attempt to hide behind him, while making blind promises, which she had absolutely no intention to fulfill, to him with her eyes wide open in the very picture of a damsel in distress.

“The Black Ryderz! Oh by Eru! I've heard SOOO much about THEM! You mean they're REAL?! They're SCARY! Save me! Get him, please! I’ll do anything you ask if you’ll just kill him or something!”
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Postby Echo_Starlite » Sat Jan 01, 2005 2:35 pm

"AAAARGH! MAKE IT STOP!" Morabeer cried, clapping his hands to his ears as blood began to trickle down the side of his face. "NOT THE MARY-SUE-ISMS! NOOOOO!!! CAN'T...TAKE...THE PAIN!"

"Stop whining and SAVE ME!!!" screamed Shuzette, clinging to Kaz's arm until he lost bloodflow in the apendage. "I'm beautiful, buxom and blonde, and I CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR MYSELF!"

The Black Ryderz, perplexed and stunned by the excessive screaming, swayed momentarily in their lust for blood and all things yucky and scratched their heads collectively. They were used to this sort of screaming Nancy thing, wherein grown men cried like babies and knights wet their pants, but this sort of madness and mayhem was beyond them.

Suddenly, one of their heads exploded.

"WAIT! Keep it up!" shouted Doug. "I think we're...we're..."

"We're winning by default!" shouted Elfkin.

"How can you win by default in battle?" asked Morabeer, cleaning the blood out of his ears with his pinky finger.

"If they all die without us raising a hand, we win by default." explained Elfkin. "It's right here in The Big Book-o-Rules." She produced a large volume bound in bleeding human flesh from the palm of her hand, and Shuzette gave another shriek and fell right on her bum.

"That's definitely not PC!" she protested as Elfkin flipped through the pages. Another Black Ryder's head exploded and another start laughing maniacly.
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Postby Errand » Sun Jan 02, 2005 10:46 am

Once there was beauty in the world and elves and men rejoiced. For these were the days of the Valar, the Powers That Were, and in the beginning, their work was fair indeed. But now as the elves, who have inhabited Arda since time beyond mind, observe the world, they deem it has grown cold and gray like leftover morning coffee, a slowly turning morass of sludge and Folgers. The works of evil had taken their toll over the countless aeons since then and Arda has been marred forever. But that is not to say there is no beauty at all in the world.

And at that very moment, Kazuya also realized this. For a vision of screaming beauty came into his view. He ran forward, a look of ecstasy in his eyes. Swiftly, he shoved aside some girl who was hanging on his arm and screaming at him for something or another and went over to the sleek black car that had roared into the scene.

"This noble steed ..." he breathed. But then he stopped. Not breathing, but speaking. "Wait a minute, this a Ferarri. Aww, and here I got all excited over nothing."

He trudged back to the Fellowship, muttering.
"Eh, I never cared for exotics..."

"Never thou mind." said Arwen. "For now we have two steeds and ample space to flee from the wrath of the Black Ryderz."

"You are right Lady Unboobiel."

"What?"

"Er ... Undomiel. Could you put like a bra on or something, 'cause those palantirs of yours are really distracting."

Meanwhile, Kaz grabbed Doug by the cape and hauled him into the RX-7.

"But we were winning!" he said.

And Lo! They took off at an incredible speed, racing through brush and woods, bounding over streams and gaps, slipping and sliding through dirt and gravel.

"MY CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Shuzette wailed.

"Does this mean the deal is off?" Kaz asked. He had rather liked the 'I'll do anything you ask' clause. Kaz could imagine it even now...

It was a gentle summer evening, the stars just appearing over the horizon. Cherry blossom trees swayed their pink branches in the breeze and petals floated down gently. As Kazuya sipped freshly brewed tea, Shuzette opened the shoji screen and entered with heaping bowls of ramen, champuru, and korean barbeque.

"Mishima-sama," she said. "I have almost finished installing the new custom radiator for the engine and am well into increasing the apex size, though it is a delicate matter for this third generation rotary. With this you will almost certainly beat your arch rival tonight in Amon Hill."

"Thank you Shu-kun." Kazuya replied graciously. "Now leave me so I can focus on my meditation on the way of the shinobi. Om."


Kaz sighed and continued driving when all of a sudden, there apeared a river right in front of them!

"Fear not!" shouted Arwen! "Tis only the Currywine river! We must cross it quickly!"

They slid through the spicy and well seasoned waters with the Black Ryderz on their heels. But lo! The Black Ryderz paused on the banks! Driven on by rage, however, they spurred their steeds on, but this was to be their fatal mistake. For as soon as they stepped foot into that sacred curry, a roar was heard in the distance.

It was a train and the rails had been hidden under the curry. The train smashed into the Ryderz and that was that.

"All's well that ends well." Kaz proclaimed. "But the quest itself has only just begun!"

Everyone groaned, figuring things could only get worse from here. And how right they would prove to be!
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Postby Johnny_Flett » Tue Jan 25, 2005 10:06 pm

"Indeed, Lady Komachi. Since the crescent moon, I, also have been waiting for tonight."
Kazuya and the princess were seated on a blanket by the koi pond. All over the palace grounds, beautifully dressed lords and ladies were walking and talking, or sitting and chatting amidst the flowers and trees. The mid-summer festival was in high gear, and they were enjoying the musicians while they awaited the beginning of the Noh play and fireworks that were on the evening's itinerary.

A heavy concussion startles the princess; looking around, Kazuya spies a shaggy looking westerner waving at him. At his feet is a large, olive-drab tube that is smoking.
Not here. Not now. Why won't that buffoon...

"Yo! Spaz!" Heads up, Pikachu!"

Now someone was approaching rapidly, blowing a whistle...

When Kaz regained consciousness, he was lying on his side. His left arm and shoulder were lying 20 feet away, near the gently smouldering princess. His eyes discerned a solitary cherry blossom, slowly, gracefully arcing it's way towards the earth. It came to rest on his left lung, which was protruding from his gaping chest wound, momentarily disturbing a swarm of brilliant blue and green flies.

As his sight faded, he could hear voices approaching.

"There's one over here!" said a voice.

Another voice replied, "No, he's dead. Get the wounded ones first, get him later."

...

"kaz?...Kaz?...KAZ! Wake Up!" Elfkin shakes him awake.

His meditation ruined, Kaz is suddenly thrust back into the world of the hopelessly mincing...

Doug: "This is a dwarf map! You stupid girl!"

It is all flooding back to him now...the Brouhaha of Elrond...the flight to the ford...and now...there was no denying it...his ill-fated decision to let Shuzette's car take the point had brought them to...Amon Sul.
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Postby Goldberri007 » Mon Feb 21, 2005 8:58 pm

AND LO! The loud winds were blowing over trees all around them as the companions attempted to climb the hill of Amon Sul, which looked rather like a pile of broken computers and gravel. At the top was a statue of Sir Gangrene the unheard of, standing on a broad, flat surface that was made of highly polished wood covered in bubblewrap. There was a sign that said "HANSCIUDJWEL", which doesn't mean anything, but was written there so that the place would look more important from a great distance. The hill was almost as high as Mt. Everest, but it was in the middle of a valley that was largely below sea-level, so altitude wasn't much of a problem.

When they had all stopped to rest, a very peculiar creature approached them. She appeared to be a short, human woman with chestnut hair and dark green eyes that were rather unsettlingly sparkly. She was clad in something that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike silk, and the color of this was most likely blue or grey (it was hard to be sure, because she was shining rather too brightly for them to look directly at her).

Man Who Is Not Part of Fellowship 2.0: Who are you?

Woman: You are experiencing a computer glitch. Please remain calm, everything will return to normal shortly.

The hill turns into a pile of chocolate truffles, which slide down into a river of purple and golden lava, causing chaos and injury among the companions. A winged, pink and yellow donkey appears and begins reciting Plato's Republic, and a group of sea-turtles wearing scuba gear is struggling deserately to place another truffle upon the collapsing pile...

Woman (reassuringly): On second thought, maybe they won't. In that case, I am Goldberri, She of the Flaming Sandals, and you are all Doomed.

For some reason that was not obvious to anyone present, no one felt reassured by this, or anything else Goldberri ever said...Suddenly, they notice that someone seems to be following her, and they all wonder why they had not noticed this before (well, actually, Kaz did not notice, for he was too busy thinking about a dead princess and falling cherry blossoms).

AND SO! The Fellowship Version 2.0 decided to set up camp beside the statue of Sir Gangrene the unheard of, since it said on the pedestal beneath the statue "SET UP CAMP HERE" in ominous blood-red letters.
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